Great identifying the feelings sexym2. I could add a few more just from your description. - and from i recognize the situation. I was resentful single mother of three and sure enough, lots of work and housework, no play time, no one to take care of me, and no adult company.

The second thing I had to learn after NAMING the feelings, was going ahead and feeling them. (instead of eating on autopilot which of course eases the feelings but brings its own problems, oy)

I had to learn that it was ok to be sad about sad things.
Or to be angry about unjust things.
(I had learned earlier I guess that feelings were too scary to name and feel).

And it was okay to see it and say it, and say it's not right that I don't have recreation and company when I work hard so that my family DOES have those things.

Then I learned after I got mad, to then get even, er, I mean, make things right. And I had to learn i think about ONE THOUSAND new habits.

Like, I started finding play time for myself. And good company.
I didn't have the BF who blew me off for football - but I had a best girl friend who blew me off for her new love interest. I got new friends.

And I used things like Flylady to put housework in its box. It was no longer allowed to expand to all my time or guilt me if I wasn't doing it.

I even found a video that shows how to clean a bathroom in 3 minutes (LOLOL).

Internet is finally back (glad I don't pay for it) and I did not binge. Sat, I think I grabbed that bag of chips a dozen times and put it back each time. Yesterday (Sunday) was a good day, my girlfriend did actually take time for me, I took 2 saddles to her to try on her new pony. I'm crossing my fingers that she likes them, because then she will buy them. We sat on the ground watched the pony graze and visited. When I can get her slowed down she's great, but she says she's busy, don't know how busy she realy is. Left her place and went to the farm (kinda on the way) and had lunch. BF had is father put the pizza away and they got out deere loines and wrapped them in bacon and cooked them on the gril for me! He brought up going to the local lake and let the kids play at the park, then after the park we walked around the lake. Afterwards me and the younger 2 kids we went home for supper. BF and my oldest went hunting again, didn't get me a deer though.

You know, he took 4 hours to spend with me and the kids and it made me feel like a very loved lady. We kept texting, teasing about how I wasn't going to fix a second supper for him (I did). He stuck around till 9 this morning and it was nice. He's been leaving at 5:30 in the morning and not getting home till 8 at night, it gets kinda lonely. I'm going to hate when coon season starts again. Last year was tough. We'll deal with those feeling when the time comes

Today, was tough at times. I ate huge amounts of caloreis to keep my tummy really content. Before I even went out to chore I was looking at them chips. My daugter had an orthadontist appt this afternoon and when we were leaving home, I was considering getting junk food.

I didn't do it. Like I said, I've kept my tummy very happy today though

Whats kept me out of it? Oh god, I don't want to get fat again, I seem to be convinced that it will get easier at some point I truly hate being out of control. I miss the sweet foods, and the way they made me feel but its really not worth it.

(Satirday)When BF got home from hunting, he asked why I didn't come out to the farm and spend the day with him there. I reminded him of the gas (that was his reason for not coming home), I was cold that morning and by the time he offered it, I was knee deep in kids's clothing. I tried being nice and understanding and fixing their supper when he got home. But bing nice didn't happen, I tried bringing it up callmly and my emotions got the best of me. I got louder more wound up as I went, I finally snapped, yelled for just a moment and through the hand towl. . . on the counter Stormed off to the bedroom and cried. He was still standing there when I came back in (to cook). He didn't appologize (men are bad about that) but he did say that Sunday we were going to make the time for each other. After a while, I did come down, god I wanted to burn his food.

So, so far I guess I managed to think about what my feeling were, I even wrote them in my journal! Between being hurt, sugar withdrawls and Tom due this Sunday this week could be crazy.

BTW, the only way for me to clean the bathroom in 3 min, is to delegate it to someone else.

It has been a full week since I binged and I feel great, that wonderful calm feeling again, The cravings were absolutely killing me, on Sat, Sunday they just popped in my head and were back out as quickly. We were busy and doing family things. Monday I got my horse, Red out and we rode for 18 miles. Its amazing either of us could walk when we got home but we managed really well. I took 2 bottles of water and that was it, we were out there for 8 hours total. Red got an hours break before we turned around and came home, he got watered and fed a little. Tuesday I had to pay bills, was running all over. Ended up at an antique store and bought BF some fudge, they claimed it was awsome. After the shop I stopped at a really great restraunt for lunch and they were closing. They went ahaid and served me, and I ate lunch with 2 very friendly waitresses. Found BF and gave him the fudge, it didn't bother me at all, he said it was really good stuff. It had PB on top, his favorite. Wednesday I ended up at my landlords, he disabled and wheelchair bound. He loves company! I was there for a couple of hours talking, more antiquing and even hit the tourist shops. Had a blast, made it home in time to feed the kids. Busy yesterday just housekeeping and today BF stayed home til I had to take the kids to town and go grocery shopping. He is off practicing coon hunting tongiht with a buddy.

The great part, I went shopping without kids, I didn't have a care to eat junk. It never even occured to me to stop and get junk on the way home. I got groceries put away and I'm finally hungry, its like 9:30 and I'm starting supper, fried shrimp tails with LC sause.

We used to eat steaks on the night the children were gone, somehow, we switched to shrimp, its a nice change. BF liked the popcorn shrimp so he ate his before he left, and I'm getting my grease hot. I breed the shrimp in crushed pork rinds, its awsome!

I also got a really tough workout in today. I feel great that I got it done, confadent and I even think my pants are looser

Wow what a great report. So many interesting things to do!
And what a nice experience to do shopping without the junk in the mix.

looser pants, that is a high too

Wnet to my OA meeting this morning and got a sponsor. There was only the 2 of us there so it was more about explaining things to me, some reading out of the materials and discussing some of my issues. I was in tears, but it was all good.

SeeJay, I am to do more journaling and writing about my feelings.

Good for you!

I've come to see my own binge problem as rooted in frustration and despair. I avoid those now!

Yesterday was the big family get together for BFs family. I brought a taco soup and had my mother (she come to all of them too) bring sausages. There was some dried out turkey, cheese, pickles and thats about it, that I could eat. I glazed over the foods that I could eat and went for what I could.

The desserts were in my head though. I know they would taste good, I also know that if I had just a couple of bites, I would eat till I was stuffed. I suddenly felt like I was being left out and didn't like the feeling. I went and sat in the recliner and descided to doze with all the old men.

My mother, whos a dieter when she feels like it was indulging in the junk food. She can really piss a person off about that! She tells me what I should and should not eat, talks about her blood sugar dropping and how she really shouldn't eat the desserts. Then she's standing there, got her first slice, devoured it. Made a big scene about how great it was. Then she wanted to "taste" my BFs cake, well, she ate it for him. Same with BF's fathers dessert, then she went after everything with a fork and just started picking off the dessert table. Later I asked about her desserts, she informed me she only had one piece of pie But, before she left she's complaining about her blood sugar dropping and she feels terrible. Then complains about how I eat and how I should ate a deversafied meal. OMG, I wanted to flip.

Another lady complained that her blood sugar drops low and she gets shaky, so her Dr told her to eat more sugar to keep from feeling bad. I probably looked rude for ignoring her ranting but she was getting irritating. I am not spending the time to "teach" these people how to eat, if they wanted to know they would work on figuring it out. I saw way to much of that ladies butt crack, every time she bent over to pick up a kid or get up off the couch. Even the pervert of the family was trying to look away from her.

I know that I kept away from the junk was the best thing for me. But its like I'm choosing between my 2 loves and I hate it! I need to get past this, and hopefully I will. It doesn't bother me to see them eat junk, it bothers me that its so acessable to me and I know it tastes good. But, its poisen and I don't want to do that to myself.

Everyone knows I eat LC in the family, how come no one but my mother things to bring something that I can eat? Deviled eggs would be nice, lil weiners, fried chicken legs? SF cheesecake? But no, there were 10 different desserts sitting there (my oldest counted them) and a long line of foods that were jammed full of potatoes, breads, rice, more breads, and a couple sides that to me were unadentafieable.

BF says I should be happy that I want to be healthy and am taking steps in that direction. I look around at his family and out of 43 adults, there are 5 that are not obiese, 3 of them are heavy and the 2 that are left are so skinny they are truly anorexic. These people put the food away! They ate Moms sausages but alot of them turned their noses up at my soup! Even BFs father wouldn't try it. He told me, "I'm a meat and potatoes kind of guy." Lets not forget the breed, and desserts and what ever else he could fit in his . . . (clearing throat).

Ok, for feelings. . . anger pops in their first. I don't know why, except perhaps at myself. I chose this WOL for my health but I'm not always happy with my choice. Perhaps that others don't seem to take me in consideration as long as they can stuff themselves on junk. Hurt, that no one else cares enough to consider my food requests. Don't kid yourself, every single adult there has asked about my eating choices in the past. Jelousy perhaps? Don't know. Deffanitely stressed about the junk there and I wouldn't eat it. BF asked me why I chose not to indulge, I told him, "You tell me its silly to indulge after all I've gone through to get this far. I'f I indulge it will be a really rough 3-4 days getting back on track and I'll be moody, emotional and in hell till it settles." He said, "good, keep that in mind and you'll be happy for it tomorrow."

A lot of the ladies and a few of the men that was there asked how come I don't eat dessert, or how come I didn't try there ____________. I explained again to each why I was avoiding the other foods and I would be more than happy to eat everyones offerings if it was a meat, veggie or fruit. Thats usually where the conversation fell to an end.

Next time I'm bringing fried chicken legs. They will indulge on my offerings and I will suffer because I can only eat what I bring. Am I whining?

Nah you aren't whining. You are realizing! I went through that sort of thing. After a while people realized I wasn't going to eat that many desserts - well unless I was face down in it.

I figured out that part of my anger was I used to go to parties expecting to eat, and then, there was nothing for me and I was still HUNGRY! Because I went to the party hungry.

Next time, can you go while already stuffed with your own good food at home? I have tried that. It really makes the junk even more unappealing.

I also nowadays take really rich tarts and cheesecakes that I can eat too. Enough butter, pastry made from almonds, and cream cheese and just a little something sweet, it fits into my program and oh my is it good. So then I get treats too and get to eat.

I don't think I should take a bunch of different foods just so I can eat and not go hungry. I have eaten before a reunian before, but I am still unbelievably hungry durring the party. I have also tried to take food and keep it upstairs, but then I'm hiding upstairs to eat my food. I'm hiding, eating by myself just like I do when I binge. I am afraid if I get it and eat it infront of others, they will want to know where I get it from and that would be rude of me.

We got there at 9am, BF wanted to get there early, he didn't want to miss a thing. One of his cousins's mother died over a month ago. He was going to bring her jewlery and let the women pick out what they wanted. We expected a bit of fighting but there was only a bit of nasty staring going on. He passed a bag of jewlery around and it was one at a time. Only some nasty looks. I was the last woman to get the bag, he told me to take what I want everyone else had already been through it. I didn't know how to take that, but then, there always has to be a last person right? The only excitement was when the women didn't think I should get a turn, and they told the cousin this. BF told him it would hurt my feelings to leave me out. Thankfully I was in the house, and they were all outside durring this conversation. I can't emagine BFs cousin wanting to leave me out, but he's also a push over.

I had kinda expected this to happen, I've been in the family since 2 years ago christmas but not married in, like the rest of them. I wasn't going to pick through it, but my Mom and one of the female cousins sat next to me and insisted I go through it. I got 4 pairs of earings and a ring for my daughter, it was all Avon jewlery.

I am so glad this didn't happen before or right after lunch, I could not be held accountable for what I may have eaten

I brought something up to BF about our future wedding rings. Rather than buying new, speaking to family and seeing if someone has an antique ring set from parents or relatives, maybe they would sell it to family. An antique wedding set sounds nice, especially if its from family.

I told BF this last night how the family event made me feel. I told him I was angry because there isn't anything there for me to eat unless I bring it. I was angry because no one gave a damb if I went hungry but me and my mother. All those people and they only cared if they got enough, no one really took note that I didn't eat anything but what I brought, except the few that were upset because I didn't take what they brought, cheesy potatoes anyone?

I also told him that it upset me that I wasn't thought of as family at this point. In the last 2 years I've been through it all with his family, but the extended family just see me as a girlfriend. I guess really I am but I'm here for life. The close family see me as family why can't the rest of them accept me?

No family events till Thanksgiving, I managed LC great through the holidays last year. Then fell off the wagon after the holidays!

I'm an emotional rollercoaster, no on wants on my ride.

I have my first therapy appt today at 11, I have to leave in 45 min. Was thinking going to the gym after, get some treadmill time in.

Thanks Ladies

Good for you about sharing your feelings. I believe that is crucial!

Well that is pretty cool. Is this new, to be so direct with the BF? I see you making tons of changes. Good luck!

I don't think being open with him is new, but its been a lot more as of late due to me telling about my over eating and problems.

he is great that he would rather talk about a problem rather than get mad and blow up. If he is upset about something/s he gets quiet and is just "there." It is my job to find a quiet place and drag it out of him. At first he will say theres nothing wrong, but look out! Every problem that he can think of comes out, sometimes you just don't want to ask Now he, being a man, would rather not ask me if theres a problem. He waits till I tell him, but either way we try to be honest and open. Its been painfull sometimes, butif no ones freaks out and jumps the gun its all good.

My therapist went ok. First visit, we went over my history.. Her jaw about dropped when I mentioned my lil sister living with my ex husband. That look was magical, oh well, its still not worth the crap I go through with him. I've now got apptments every two weeks with her.

Ha nice to get validation isn't it.

She also told me that I wasn't nutty, not appearing depressed and that I need to find a way to cope with my stress and anger. She wants me to exercise more, start sewing again and try to find new and exciting things to do. Oh boy

This afternoon I potted 8 new plants and probably killed an old one. Aaha! Afternoon perfectly used up.

I told her about the voice in my head that tells me to eat the junk food. She said everyone has them, but they are part of the addiction. They appear to be stronger in some than others.

She has been a school counciler, and knew about the steps to OA. She even asked if I have a sponser. I do hve one, but I havn't needed to call her. Do I call her just to catch up or just when I'm having problems and choose to stop and think?