gwuinifer, I totally know how you feel. When I was 182, I knew I was fat, but sometimes I actually FELT beautiful, UNTIL... I caught a glimpse of my entire body somehow, and then self-revulsion swept in.

i think that your version of feeling fat is probably more intense that most people's. i say this because i know your world and i have been there and have visited there recently (unfortunately). my advice to you would be to try to find a hobby to get you away from yourself. get lost in art or science or sports or something other than being at home where you can obsess about your body. you create your own world

the more frustrated you find yourself with your body, your fatness, your "youness" the more strict you'll become on your diet but the more you may set yourself up for a binge. it's a really weird cycle. when i was at my all time low, which i have yet to revisit, i was taking several courses in school and i had a full social life. i also didn't strictly low carb obsessively. i long for that day again but i have all of this free time! so i'm making plans to get myself out of the house and into fun things.

i'm working on this myself. i know i can grab hold of loving myself and allowing myself inner peace. i see it right infront of me. i just have to cease what i know is good for me. and i'm READY!

I realize that everyone is writing about how they "feel", but the reality of the situation is that in America (and I am sure elsewhere in the world) it is considered okay to riducule and make fun of fat people. So you don't just feel judged, you ARE judged. I've heard so many painful stories of fat people being told by complete strangers that they should get lunch from the salad bar and not the sandwich bar. I've heard fat people say that if they are in the supermarket and buy something fattening, complete strangers feel it is their right to take the food out of their cart!!! Men will often ignore a fat woman. About ten years ago, I developed Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. One side effect before I was diagnosed was that I gained weight extremely quickly. I went from a size 10 to a size 14 in the blink of an eye. I felt terrible, and people seemed to think it was okay to ignore me. To cure my CFS I had to drastically change my diet. Within three months I was down to a size 8. The response was astounding. Women would stare at me when I tried on clothes in a communal dressing room. I literally had a boutique owner run out of his store and ask me to come inside to try on a dress, because he had been looking for someone with my body all day long. I think it is important to take some of the responsibility of how you feel from your shoulders and realize that you are NOT imagining things. Have more compassion for yourself.

Orca.

Yep, that about sums it up. I feel like Orca the whale. But, I also know that I am the only one that can change the way I feel/look AND I am the one who allows others perception to affect me. Funny, I even posted in my journal today about something that happened and I was feeling low. But, honestly it is my choice on how I feel. I am working on not allowing what others think about me affect the way I feel about myself. I have a LONG way to go. ha-ha

Something that looks ridiculous in clothes.

Disgusting, unnatural, ugly, unprofessional, unsucessful in anything, unsexy, not worth the effort....incapable of fitting in..undeserving of everyday pleasures...

I realised its mainly self esteem issues with me, just wonder how long it will take not to feel this way..how much I will have to lose to not feel like a hefalump from winnie the pooh lol. I do feel slightly better than a did before I started losing weight.

KimNWI

it makes me feel ashamed.

[QUOTE=Jody100467] Men still look at me but look away quickly so that I don't catch them looking.

How do you know they're looking away because of your weight.If you were pretty before you still have the same face.Not all guys think a size 3 is beautiful.Maybe you're catching them looking at a beautiful lady,but in your mind you've got it turned backwards.

I feel like a failure. I see myself becoming my mother who battled it all her life. Not weighing herself, cutting out the size in her clothes. The last thing I remember before she died was when I was walking away from my folks mom said "she used to be such a pretty girl."
I feel ugly. Being single makes it worse for me. I feel so incredibly undesireable.

Erin

I don't have anything to add here...just wanted to...

{{{{HUG ALL OF YOU}}}}}

and to tell you that you are all beautiful and strong. You can do this. Good luck to all of you.

I have Photoshop, I erase myself out of photo's!!!!!!!!!

that is a great idea. I will have to try that

Ouch; that really hit home. I wish I could count how many times I've said to myself "I don't deserve..." or "I'll never have..." or "Nobody will ever...", often without being aware I'm doing it. The negative reinforcement we give ourselves can wear us down and be incredibly hard to reverse. I guess the only solution is to consciously try to do just that though, while still fat. If we wait until we look better to work on this stuff, we may not be very happy or well-adjusted at goal.

i feel blobby.
yes thats not a true word, but ... its a word feeling

BLOBBY!

I felt trapped and hopeless. Naturally I felt frustrated, self conscious & worthless, etc but these feelings weren't as difficult as the sense that it was my fate... that I was condemned to live and be treated that way forever.