I loved this thread--really got me thinking. I wrote the following in my journal, and decided to copy and paste just to bump the thread and hopefully get more folks' thoughts on what clothes mean to them, before, during, and after.
So whaddoIwanna say about clothes? This might sound weird, but I don't know what I want to wear. I mean, I can get dressed in the morning, I have a closet full of choices now rather than the 4 or 5 dresses that fit before and were starting to get nervous-makingly tight. I can put together a decent looking weekend outfit. Jeans fit now--still a little saddlebaggy in the thighs, but I even washed them and they still fit.
Some women are well dressed no matter what. They have rock knowledge of who they are and what they want, and know how to get it, and have the means to do so.
Me? When I was heaviest, it was whatever fits and fell within a pretty wide range of possibilities as far as fashion was concerned. Low point was probably when I saw some jumpers, thought they were kinda ugly, but I thought--at least they'll fit, they have to--and they were too tight to wear in public--and they were size 26. Now they were cheap, so might have been cut small--but I still remember standing in that dressing room and staring at myself in the mirror--I'd have given anything then to know I'd make it this far. . .
Anyway, I have these clothes from before--around 18s, and they are okay, but it's weird. It's like having inherited a closet full of clothes from an older sister that used to live here. I don't really know the person who collected and selected them.
I have some clothes back home that I look forward to wearing, some favorites, from a time I made it down to the 150ies, and a pinch below, for a summer or so. Right now, I have a few favorites that fit me now. Just clothes.
And I could probably get by without buying more clothes. I have enough at different sizes to be able to get by. Or I could do what I've done in the past, gone to the thrift shop and looked for things I like that fit. But when it comes to buying new clothes, I find I have no idea what I want--I've been stuck for so long only getting what I could find, and settle for, and make do with. . . .Actually, I saw a great silk sari at ishakti.com., peacock blue and metalic silver threads for accent-- Probably not a very realistic choice. Anyway, I don't know if this makes any sense to anyone else, but I get it.
The one thing I know about my taste in clothes is I want to be graceful. I'd like my jeans to flow from my waistband over my hips and down my legs. I'd like dresses to flow and swirl instead of covering a multitude of lumps.
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I am on the edge of reaching the dreaded tweenies. The inbetween times. The neither fish nor fowl times. The not exactly fat and not yet thin and who am I and where's the cat and where is everybody anyway doldrums of weight loss.
I know when I was young, and thought I was fat at 140, I would have thought this would be a dreadful weight. Even at 180, this would have seemed awfully big. Now it's a triumph--but I still don't want to stay here. And I won't. But I'm here now. And it's better than where I was.
The cool thing about it this time around is that I have the TDC to walk through it with this time, which is enough to give me reassurance that I will get through it. I think that what I'm talking about is a process of identity shift, a change in the way I see myself, in my expectations for and from myself, in how I expect others to treat me.
I picture some people rolling their eyes in impatience with this. Who I am shouldn't change with my weight loss, but in fact, I feel different now. More aware, more alive. I think I was kind of tuned out, living in a perpetual state of denial, and therefore lack of awareness. Now the awakenings.
I think clothes are an intimate form of self-expression, a statement of how we see ourselves. Three piece suit, REI Seattle rainforest look, slinky silk saris, polyester purple pantsuits? I have never been thin long enough to sort out my sense of style--what would I wear if I could wear anything? I don't know the answer to that, and I intend to have a whole lotta fun finding out!
Edit: I learned something about me during the course of writing and re-reading this, and that is that I don't want to keep ANY clothes that I don't like. And I don't have to wait until I'm thin or at goal to winnow the closets and drawers.
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