Good luck, Bonnie and Colleen.
Please update us on how you are doing when you get a chance...

I think that each one of the posters has been trying to be as helpful as is possible in these difficult situations. Both points of view (and possibly more) are valid.

Some people need the assistance, either short term or long term, that antidepressants and other medications can give.

Some people lean on medication more than is absolutely necessary.

Some doctors prescribe medication as the solution to all problems.

A person needs to be aware of all these cases and try, with their physician's help, to make the best decision for themselves in their situation. Despite the stress, each person knows how they are coping with very trying circumstances and how much help they need.

I certainly feel great sympathy for what you ladies are going through (having been there myself). My only words are that you CAN get through it. And there can be a wonderful life on the other side of all the pain, grief and struggle. There has been for me.

Hugs to all of you who are suffering and all of those who are trying to help.

Bonnie,

Been there done that, you will get through this even though it seems hopeless at this time. I was fortunate enough to have buddies to call that had similar experiences, helped me focus. Just remember, the important things right now are your health and your children. The rest you can replace in time.

BRat

One thing I am hoping to be able to keep is my motorcycle that is the one thing I can jump on and relieve some of the stress...financially once we split the assets and investments I should be ok ....just have to get used to living with out a companion is the big thing right now and loneliness...my son has been great and I have a few friends that I lean on but I know they have their own lives and have tried to fend for myself...my son is so concerned for me being on my own as hubby has not shown his face here at the house...he has removed all his musical equipment and guitars which have comsiderable value...he wants to come today to get more things...the problem here is that he has been planning for this for sometime and has done things like see our dentist to get work done....his optromitist to get a good supply of contact lenses etc..he lead me to believe all along in councelling that we could work this out and so I trusted him...by the time I realized what game he was playing there was not money left in the accounts for me to do the same...he even took a trip to our Florida home in September in the pretense to get away and reflect on what he wanted to do...I like a dummy felt sorry for him and said yes...he removed money from our account for the trip as well as footing the bill for a close male friend..I was hoping to get away for a few weeks with a friend during my birthday but now find our Delta airmiles have been depleted and no money to do so...I have finally taken off the rose colored glasses and see this guy that I lived with for thirty years for what he is and it is a very sad revelation...thanks for the advice Brat...Bonnie

Bonnie and Colleen,
I am wondering how you are both handeling the rejection here? When I went through this years ago, I have to be honest and say I think that nearly killed me more than anything. The other stuff was bad enough, but to be totally rejected, by the person I thought loved me, was the most devistating. My self worth was crushed. Even to this day, the pain from it still needles, me when I think back on it.

It just amazes me Bonnie, after reading how deceptive he was, allowing you to play along, and actually having you take some pity on him. Wow, where was his head at? What an ass! I am sorry for you that he was so mean. Nothing like being stuck with a knife and then having someone twist it!

But I think what Tofi said is so enlightening.... on the other side of all this heartache, more likely, there is good stuff. Usually when God closes one door, another one opens. At least I have found this to be true.
Both of you "keep your socks up", you will make good decisions in the long run...and your lives will probably take a turn for the better, especially after you both had the opportunity to get rid of the "slugs" that tried to take you down.
You have lots of people here praying for you both. Osuz

Osuz...I feel that he is the one with the big problems here and he is the one who will evenutally crash from the way things went down the pike...he has lost the respect of many of our mutal friends..our son etc...he made it seem like i was the one with all the problems and in councelling I bought it hook line and sinker...now that everything has been revealed...I do not feel rejection at all but relief as I know was the better person throughout this whole ordeal...I have not harrassed him or his new woman...as a matter of fact stayed clear of the both of them as morally they are sick puppies...as far as I am concerned they are two peas in a pod...a woman who willingly has an affair with a married man knowing full well that many people will be hurt in the end has not much respect from me or our friends...the problem hubby is finding now is that he cannot even take her out in public with him as our friends are horrified to see what he had and what he settled for...when he was seeing her before I caught him he just took her out of town ...could not even take her to a movie or restaurant as we are well known in the city... they also told her children that he was not married...and when he was with her he was minus wedding ring...he told me that he felt sorry for her and her children and was trying to be a male role model...i stated what kind of male role model were you when you lied about being married and taught those kids that it was ok to lie, cheat, hurt and decieve the ones at home...rejected not on your life...I am way too good for both of these people and they both deserve each other....oh one other thing...she looks like twenty years older than me as she has lived a hard life so osuZ when I saw her I was on cloud 9 B

You are already leaps and bounds ahead of him, you are healing. I was into the big D several months, in fact separated in July and divorced by September, before I felt like that. She called me when her boyfriend (the one she was seeing while married to me) dumped her, and she wanted to move back in with me. I was still a mess, but the thought that this whole thing came full circle really gave my morale a boost. In fact, one of my friends told me to expect that to happen. He said prepare yourself because the time will come and you have to know what the answer will be. Decide ahead of time, while the bad taste is still rolling around in your mouth. You know Bonnie, sometimes less is more.

Regards,

BRat

We all know these relationships never last...how could they when they are only sneaking here and there and never really spend 24/7 with each other...hubby has lived in an executive home with all the bells and whistles...she lives in a dump to be frank...I was in there only once and it made me sick to my stomach to see the surroundings...when he did come back for a short time. I felt I should have fumigated him before I let him in the door... no don't get me wrong I am not snotty but I don't care if you have money or little money...cleanliness is something we all can afford... the outside of her place looked like the lawn had not been mowed all summer and junk laying around...it does not take much to improve your surroundings with a little TLC...and yes he will crash but by that time I will have moved on hoepfully with my head held high Bonnie

Here is my update.

The rejection part really does hurt. I did not see this coming. But he had been planning this for a while. He has always felt guilty about not doing enough for his mother, and right after I left he moved her in. He wants his mother instead of me.

I have been a stay-at-home mom for years, and I am scared that I won't find a job. We have essentially no assets -- everything is on borrowed money. No equity in the house, no money in the bank.

I'm glad people are replying to my thread. This really hurts. I can't see anything good in my future yet. My entire old life is over. Over.

One of the biggest hurdles to overcome is the embarrassment, at least it was for me. People seem to treat you differently and you are uncomfortable, feel like a failure and want to crawl out of your own skin and hide. I went to a county counselor for a time the following year, all I could afford. Between the pressures of my job and the absolute nut-case my X turned out to be, I was having difficulty in dealing with life. You get past all of that, move on and accept it as a learning experience. You are the better person and you are already recovering by talking about it.

Regards,

BRat

I was also a stay at home Mom Colleen and I did not see this coming...get yourself some good books from the library...I have...like...Divorce guide for Canadian Women...there may an equivalent in the states along these lines...the problem with the other spouse doing this is that he had time to prepare and has moved on already...we take longer as we did not see this coming...take time to grieve, get angry but take each day at a time...I do...your entire life is not over hon...it has just begun...Bonnie

Sometimes Colleen, that is not a bad thing. I am grateful for the fact that I was not with mine long enough to accrue a pension and pay for a home. I owned a nice place prior to marrying her, so the laws at the time allowed me to keep it, along with the mortgage. Granted she left with everything in it, along with the car that was paid for and cash for a new place to live. If this had happened now I would be wiped out, including my pension and unable to retire early as I have planned. When the lord closes a door, he opens a window, just need to look for it! You will be successful.

Regards,

BRat

I have to say there has been some great advice given here. My heart goes out to both of you, and I will keep you in my prayers. My prayer will be for you both to have added strength.

Colleen1, getting mad is okay, so don't hold it in. NOw as far as your life being over, I agree with whomever said it was just beginning.

20 years ago I married for the first time, thought the guy loved me. He divorced me in 7 weeks, yep 7 weeks. I felt so like a failure, and why did he divorce me, cause I insisted that he get a job. Best thing the guy could do for me was divorce me, but at the time I did not feel that way. The truth is that is when my life began.

Okay ladies keep your heads up and know we are here for you.

Hugs to you both,
Joan

Just was wondering how you made out during the Holidays Colleen...was tough for me but am still going...hope you had the support of your family and friends to get you through Bonnie