Do you have a Fear of Success?

I've noticed this fear popping up throughout my life. I am not a big failure. I always get by and sometimes even do well. But I have the secret suspicion that buried deep within is something that prevents me from just going full out and driving full force toward what I really want.

I can recall really only one time in my life when I had the sweet taste of success. I had never had a real weight problem until I moved, got a new job and somehow had gotten in the habit of buying takeout for lunch and dinner and just over-doing it. I put my mind to it and managed to lose 20 lbs in 4 months.

The next year I decided I wanted to take off 5 more lbs, those last 5 lbs. Well I did it and even took off 5 more. That felt so good. I went after it and succeeded and it wasn't until I got pregnant that I gained.

But other than that I cannot recall really going after something.

I never played sports but I imagine that the energy I'm searching for is what comes to play when you are out to win.

I seem to always be satisfied with just getting by. But as I get older I realize my time is limited and if I am going to do it -- if I am going to GO FOR IT I sure as hell better do it now.

How to quiet that voice that says, "That'll never work"?

I wish I had an answer, but I empathize. My voice says, "In the end, it won't be worth it." I've always masked my "fear of success" and pessimism by labeling it "pragmatism."

Curious, but do you, like me, suffer from an inability to show your feelings? Casual friends call me "overly serious" and tell me I "rarely smile genuinely." Part of my "fear of success" is a fear of being judged. When I was very heavy, it was OK to be goofy and outgoing - the happy fat girl. Now that I'm lean, I feel as if that same personality will be shunned.

I wish I could find it for you (I'll keep looking), but several years ago I read a series of articles geared toward professionals who felt like an impersonator. It basically summed up what you expressed, and described how it's a common feeling, especially among technical professionals. Very often they express the idea, "I don't want to put too much of myself out there, because everyone will know I'm a fraud."

The article(s) posited that the difference between the ultra-successful and the guys in the middle was that mindset. The ultra-successful accept that everyone is winging it to one degree or another and simply don't consider or care that someone else may realize they don't have the extensive skill-set they appear to possess.

[QUOTE=MarrahSS]But as I get older I realize my time is limited and if I am going to do it -- if I am going to GO FOR IT I sure as hell better do it now./QUOTE]

This is a great realization, and with it hopefully comes the realization that most people simply do not care what we do, or do not do. No one is judging us. I find myself so much more liberated at age 45 then I ever was in my 20's or 30's. Absolutely, GO FOR IT! The people who understand and appreciate you will pick you up if you fail, and love you anyway, and encourage you to try again. Everyone else doesn't care, and probably won't notice. Live for yourself and for the people you love, and no one else.

Funny you should mention this but when I was a technical professional I always had that feeling, maybe though because I was a fraud in the sense that I was only doing the work because of the better pay and could not care less about the work itself, whereas everyone else was really into it. I probably did almost as good a job as those passionate about it did, but hated having to fake it.

Now I'm in a field that I feel much more suited to and that feeling of fakery is gone.

Since I began this post I've been thinking and I believe that a lot of my fear stems from this part of myself that wants to feel better than everyone. Like I am thinner than you (where the "you" is someone I don't like or who has acted better than me) or I am more successful than you. But there's another part of myself that knows that this attitude is not how I really want to be. So the two parts are in conflict and self-sabotage is the result. I think my better self needs to win out and my fear will dissolve because I will allow myself to win and cheer others on as well.

Thanks for your encouragement!!

Thanks for your response (all the way from Sask!!!)

Hi Marrah!

I see that you've gotten some really good feedback already.
I'd like to add that, to me, this falls under the heading of being human. We all compare ourselves to others, its what we do with the info we get when doing it that counts.

You are also entering what I call 'learning to manage our internal dialogue' area of personal growth. If we act on every single bit of mental chatter that our mind engages in, we'll go nuts trying to get anything done and accomplished. Thats why I put the words "make better choices" under my name. We have to keep our ultimate goals in sight and discard much of the chatter that goes on in our minds as just that, uselss chatter!

Its kind of like having an angel on one shoulder and the devil on the other, both whispering in your ear. Which one do you listen to?

We all should be striving to be better versions of ourselves. IMO, you are embarking on this road now by being transparent about your thoughts. Thank you for being so honest.

I seem to have managed to get my head around this when it comes to food and eating. Other aspects of my life needs lots of work!! oy....

My maintenance is basically built around a +3 lb limit, I can work within that range. Others can make it work within a +10 lb range but who am I to judge how or what they do...as long as they do make it work for them....if they make it work that way!!

I have had to make rules for myself about certain foods. I think that you need to do this also. I can't buy cashews to keep in my home because if they are here, I have no control over eating them. When I'm out and about, I'll pick up a 1-1.5 oz snack bag and thats it for me. I can keep 1 lb of almonds here for ages, no problem....basically because they don't do it for me the way cashews do.
So, if you have a nut problem, and I think that you do based on what you wrote in your journal, what rule are you willing to make for yourself about nuts?
Hope this helps!

This thread really speaks to me. I've always had that inner dialogue that compares me to everyone else. I've always been shy and afraid to put myself out there for fear of being judged by others. What I've realized the more I think about this is that I am the one judging myself so harshly, not other people. It's a hard mindset to get rid of and I'm certainly not clear of it yet but I'm working on it.

Hey Judy --

For some reason I missed your response.

Funny you should mention "nut rules", since I had already made one this past weekend. I decided not to bring any nuts in the house in bulk for the time being. I may in time buy one of those boxes of almonds in 100 cal packets and bring to work where I am in better control and bring 1 packet home at night.

Other trigger foods are cheese and HWC. Best to do without than have them lurking in the frig tempting me when my resistance is low.

Thanks for reading my journal.

Marrah

Excellent ideas!! That should help you a lot!!

I've been successful at losing lots of weight over the last several years... but the fear of success has always been what stops me from continuing forward. When people start noticing or making comments is when I stop trying..... This time, I'm determined that this won't happen. I'm taking everything minute by minute day by day - though and some days are harder than others to accept that I deserve to be happy, healthy, thin. Its a journey and a process. Counseling may be required though, I'm aware of that at least.

What a succinct, honest way of phrasing it. I think many who are/were overweight/obese experiences this, and we're just afraid to admit it. When you're fat, you hide behind your weight and rely strictly on personality when you can't hide.

When you lose, though, there's a constant second-guessing. Am I getting attention because I'm leaner? Are they being genuine in the compliment or backhanded? Would this opportunity have come if I was heavier?

I dealt with this last July. I landed an amazing job in my field. But, afterward, I had a nagging feeling that my looks played a part in the decision to hire. I began wondering if I was really qualified for the position or if I was just the most attractive (literally) candidate.