One week ago my husband told me he wanted a divorce and told me to move out. I am crushed. I didn't see this coming. I feel like I am dying on the inside. I packed my clothes in my car and drove cross-country to be with family.

Yesterday I went to a dr. and got put on an anti-depressant. This is my second day on it.

My father died 2 weeks ago. My oldest son has been in a lot of trouble this school year. He has been suspended 3 times and is now in the alternative school.

I can't eat. I can't sleep. I have never felt this bad before in my life.

Does anyone have any advice or words of encouragement?

Dear Colleen, I too am in hell. I don't really discuss it in my journal on this site because my weight is the ONE thing going right, but other areas of my life, like yours, are not going so well and I am having a hard time coping (gut wrenching break up, have lost some friends, sick relatives, life changes, etc...). For what it's worth, I take solace in these 3 things:

1. This too shall pass. It's true. You won't always be going through these things, you will be ok. You may not think so, but it's the truth. It will pass and you'll be fine.

2. You ALWAYS have tomorrow. Even when today seems unlivable and traumatic, you have a fresh day tomorrow where good thoughts and experiences are possible.

3. My amazing therapist. Life, love, people - they can all be disappointing, but a good therapist can give you hope when you have none and encourage you when you feel you've lost your worth...they can even help you heal yourself when you think you've lost your heart and your happiness for good.

Go easy on yourself during this difficult time. I applaud you for reaching out - take all you need in terms of nurturing support and trust that you'll be fine, because you will be.

Hi Colleen, Sorry to hear about all your troubles. How does the saying go When one door closes another opens. I know it doesn't feel like it now but, I believe you will look
back on this one day and thank that man for divorcing you. This to happened to me my father died and one week later my husband walked out the door. I thank him about
once a year for doing me the favor. It changed my life in a way that never seemed possible. Of course at the time I was bed ridden with lots of carbs for support and stuck in self doubt. I found the
best way for me to survive was something my father taught me. When your down help some one worse of then you and your prespective changes. I did that and Thanked God
for me. I am now happily married 13 years to a very dedicated man. We have so much more in common then my first husband I did. Believe me as hard as it seems this is not the
end. You have to think of it as a beginning. I did a workshop called the forum that changed my way of thinking about everything in the best of ways. As far as your son goes
you need to get honest with him and not make him wrong but let him know your there for him and love him very much. Go for the heart strings he will open up for you. He is not
happy doing what he is doing I promise you. He needs rules and love. I am not a Miss Know it All I have walked in your shoes...I think you found the ones I used to wear. My son
is now a College Graduate living in Denmark married and has a son. He works as a Computer engineer for Motorola. He is focused and responsible more then I ever was at his age,
this workshop helped us.

I wish you well and please don't open the cupboard as I did and eat your way through this.

I think you are brave to put your self out there for support.

Kristina(chuby buddy a nick name by my dad)

Colleen,

I am so sorry you are having such a difficult time right now. I'm glad you went to the doctor, the meds should help you start feeling better in a few days, but if not, check back with your doctor. They can help you find something to make this transition easier on you.

Just try and take it day by day, sometimes moment by moment. You might try doing something just for you, maybe take a walk and look at the Christmas lights, or a nice drive and look at the lights, something that you will find enjoyable and relaxing.

You can even talk to your doctor about someone to talk to, sometimes a third party can really help you be more objective in all things.

You take care and keep us posted on how you are doing.

Debi

i am heartbroken for you. i can't offer much consolation, but whenever things go wrong, and we know that everyone does indeed have their trials, i repeat this saying of my mom's over and over...."time heals all wounds"......some take more time than others, but as each day passes, some strength and wisdom is gained and we learn more and more how to deal with these setbacks. i teach high school and i see kids with problems mature and develop into great people every year....keep your love and faith in your son strong....they almost always find their own way in their own time! please let us know how you are!

Hi Colleen,

Let me start off by saying that I am so sorry for what you are going through right now, but you will prevail!

Secondly, I wanted to provide a word of caution about the meds. I certainly don't mean to be insensitive and I think you should defintely do what helps you right now, but I really disagree with the idea that medication is ALWAYS a good idea when you are depressed (despite what the medical community seems to think). Simply running to medication when times are tough can sometimes lead to more problems in the long run. I have been through serious depressions before (for various reasons) and I have always been tempted to medicate (I have also been told by "Doctors" that I should). I have always refused and have always been happy that I did so.

I'm not saying that you should refuse to take them, I just think you should be aware that they can be addictive and that sometimes you just need to go through the tough times naturally.

Again, I am not presuming to know what's best for you; I just wanted to mention this as food for thought.

PLease take care of youself, girl. I'll be thinking of you during the holidays and wishing you the best....

I am right there with you...after 30 years of marriage discovered hubby had been having an affair for a year very discreetly...I am devasted as well as my son and his family...I have lost 25 lbs. in the process and at this time of year we are going through a separation...so very tough ...I am here listening to christmas music ...I am told things will get easier but right now doesn't feel that way...I am a very strong individual but as you say I think this is worse than a death...at least in death you have finality...hubby and I are both going to my son's tomorrow for Christmas dinner...we have two beautiful granddaughters who adore us and it will so tough for me...hubby is still seeing the other woman but yet tells me he loves, me misses me, and doesn't know what he wants...says he knows the other relationship will never work as the other woman has three problem children and he is too old to take on that situation...I have told him the bottom line is he has to stop seeing her as I have my pride and dignity and we are still legally married until such time we divorce... unless a miracle happens it looks like divorce for us in the New Year...tough part his 50 Birthday Jan1st and our 30th Anniversary and my birthday January 19...a lot of tough days to get through...I feel your pain hon and if we are strong we can get through this and will eventually see light at the end of the tunnel...hang in there...I know that it feels like the end of the world now but just take one day at a time... that is what I am doing...am so lucky have the support of family and friends and do lean on them as they will get you through...all my love to you....Bonnie

Hey Bonnie,
Went looking to see where your last post was, and I'm sorry to say I found you here and so sad.....along with Colleen.
Been there done that...about 10 years ago. My 3 kids were all young and I was scared to death....Took a lot of crap, and thought I would die from heartache and the rejection. I left with the 3 kids...went to my parents in Florida, Thank God they were there for me ....it saved the marriage. He never expected me to leave...then when I decided I wasn't coming home, he freaked!
Called everyday begging....I let him beg...I was devistaded! The affair was going on for a year and everyone knew but me.
I waited another 14 days and then gave in and went home ....The change was immediate...but the ache is still there, when thoughts come flooding back at times. We are still together, with a much improved marriage. I will say this, I forgave him....But I found it impossible to forget!
Bonnie if you need me I'm here, PM me if you want... You have been my favorite person here, and you have helped me, with my sometimes sadness. I'm here and I have a good ear, especially for a fellow Capricorn.
Your friend, Susan

Wish that I could say we will be reconcilling in some way but on the other hand have found out recently that he has been doing this discreetly behind my back since 2000...I have too much self respect to even consider taking him back now especially with all the bar trash he has been with...I do not want to wind up with a disease...he went from a well respected business man to one now hanging around the bars picking up low life...not the lifestyle for me...I value my son, my grandchildren too much to ever hurt them and he seems so unconcerned as to their feelings or in that case mine in this matter...I could have taken him back when this all started but he lied to me every step of the way and I do not want a man who has lost his morals, credibility, and repect...the ironic thing is the woman he is seeing now does not know he is still in the bars looking for something a little higher up the chain...she is the dregs of the dregs and he met her in a bar.... the only thing I am facing now is the lonliness of not having my partner around and it is very tough as I am alone in this house but I will get through somehow as I am a strong individual...just so tough this time of year...he has drained all the accounts and left me to fend for myself...I have run out of oil three times and unbeknownst to me the bills were not paid and I have to be on a cash only bases...we still have the big ticket assets like a Viper, BMW convertible etc. and have begged him to sell these for cash but so far no action...he seems to having a great time spending money but I am living with my Mom during the day just to share expenses and eat...thanks again hon for your kind words and concern...B

Terrible, terrible "advice". As someone who suffered from severe depression, was suicidal and ended up being hospitalized twice for recurrent severe depression, I beg to differ with you. Medication and therapy literally saved my life. I, too, felt you had to tough it out, medication was "bad" and depression was for the weak. I had to eat my words many a time and the one thing I learned was to MYOB about such things. Let the patient and doctor work it through. And medication for depression is NOT addictive, OBTW. Some people have to take it for their entire life to prevent recurrence of depression. The more severe it is and the more often you experience it, the more likely you are to have more episodes. This lady has enough on her plate without her judgment being questioned on taking anti-depressents.

Bonnie,
I just wanted to tell you how damn proud of you I am. Not sitting around wringing your hands wanting that SOB to come back. I am so glad you see your worth, I applaud you. Hang in there, your much better off with the jerk out of your life, what a loser and the thing that really kills me is he has the nerve to tell you that he still ''loves you''. People like that have no clue what the word ''love'' means.

Hugs Girl, and hang in there I know you will.

Joan

eek! I certainly meant no offense. I was just trying to provide some food for thought. And I certainly never claimed that anyone suffering from depression is weak.

I have many friends who now feel that they "need" medication and wish that they could get off of the meds (many who wish they never went on them in the first place). To me, that sounds addictive.

Also, I was under the impression that medications treat a chemical imablance in the brain; a cheating husband aint a chemical imbalance, so I think going on meds when the depression is situational is something to seriously consider. That's all I was saying.

I'm glad medication saved your life; for me, I'm glad that I stayed OFF of medication. You see, it's terribly individualistic. What works for you may not work for someone else. And I don't think it is necessary to cut off all communication about this subject just because medication happened to work for you.

Yes, right now Joan, I feel he does not deserve me...I stuck by him for thirty years through thick and thin...ups and downs...I have taken the high road all throughout this and kept my dignity...he on the other hand has hurt his family terribly with no regard to how this is affecting me, our son, his wife and our grandchildren...they do not understand when they walk in this house where their grandfather is ...so tough...do I still have feelings for him...after thirty years of course...but I cannot fathom how he could treat me so bad...he is the one with big problems and suspect in a year or two will hit bottom...I don't want to go down with the ship so will cut the ties and move on...thanks for the hugs Joanie Bonnie

Hi Bonnie,

I just wanted to send another cyber "hug" to you. I'm really sorry that you are going through this!

I wish I had something more comforting to give you other than lame words of encouragement. But what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, right?

Yes...medications treat a chemical imbalance in the brain, and a cheating husband isn't a chemical imbalance. BUT...extreme stress (such as losing a parent, which she did, and being rejected by her husband, which she was) and a health problem (such a poorly functioning or non-functioning thyroid) DO result in chemical imbalances. The endocronoligist who originally treated me said the stress of the death of my mother triggered the thyroid disfunction, which in turn triggered the depression. So your theory of "situational" depression that can be "toughed out" isn't necessarily correct. Only the patient and their doctor can make the determination. You play with fire when you advise depressed people that "maybe" they don't need medication. You have no idea what else is going on in their life and pushing your opinion in this area just isn't important enough to maybe have your good intentions backfire. This is an area where you need to MYOB.