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  #76   ^
Old Fri, Mar-24-06, 12:24
AmoryBlain's Avatar
AmoryBlain AmoryBlain is offline
Senior Member
Posts: 4,932
 
Plan: Atkins
Stats: 225/143/155 Female 5'10''
BF:38%/21.4%/24.9%
Progress: 117%
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Highsteaks, I support you 100%. I don't believe people should be passing judgement on your relationship in such an out of context manner and completely avoiding the topic thread. You specifically asked for different modes--if any--of support from SOs, and instead you're getting a psychoanalysis of your relationship.

Again there has to be room for "things that can be misinterpreted through text." In your befuddlement over the negative responses, please keep in mind that these people (some of them who normally give GREAT advice and I check their journals regularly) are not living under your roof, not experiencing your relationship, and they don't get to see what's behind closed doors.

I THINK that they are taking the "tough love" approach, waiting for you to have some moment of illumination about yourself; perhaps something comparable to, "Hey, maybe my feelings won't be hurt by my SO if I can come to terms with comments on my eating behavior." Eating is SO individual, and weight/food issues are EXTREMELY hard for others to grasp, especially in the whole gender issue. "Most"--and I'm warily treading water here--men lose weight much easier than women. Their metabolisms are naturally higher due to a higher quotient of muscle mass and density; thus, it's easier for men to lose weight. Many men and women who don't HAVE weight issues cannot get their heads around truly struggling with food.

For instance, my SO is an Army Ranger. His body fat percentage is like...negative two. Haha. He eats what he wants, when he wants--particularly Oreos and Chips Ahoy! brand cookies, because he could not get those when he was stationed in Iraq. He basically has eighteen months of bad eating to make up for, lol. Now that he's stateside once again, we often eat out when we are together. He lives in Colorado now, and I live in Pennsylvania. Most of our time together is spent wining and dining since we only see each other on weekends, and we'd rather not waste time putzing around his poorly equipped apartment and cooking. Despite my efforts to have him read DANDR to answer his questions about my eating habits, telling him how ketogenic dieting works, and painfully selecting menu items and having them altered, he CANNOT fathom why I don't want chocolate cake with my dinner. I'm very athletic, so he doesn't see how I can't just "burn it off tomorrow." Until he gets a pot belly or gains weight, he will never understand the struggle.

He has told me that he just doesn't see why women are so critical of themselves. But after losing fifty pounds (we met when I was very near goal) unbeknownst to him, he once said something like, "Yeah a lot of people could stand to lose weight. Do you think you would want to lose another fifteen pounds?" I was horrified and HURT considering he didn't know of my weight loss journey. His remark was without malice but of course, I took it deeply to heart.

Now, he understands a bit more about the diet. He's happily supportive and always there to compliment me. He thinks I don't need to lose any weight, but he said he will support me if it makes ME feel better. However, he still forgets and offers ice cream or can't understand why a 4 pound gain for now reason makes me veritably insane. He'll say, "It's just four pounds!" and I'll want to throw butcher knives at him. (NOTE: To others reading this, please do not psychoanalyze my relationship and think I want to murder my boyfriend. The comment is merely a metaphor for how I feel when he inadvertantly trivializes my weight gain, not a deeply rooted homicidal tendency. Thanks.)

Anyway, support goes both ways. Sometimes honesty and direct ignorance of the other person in the relationship is hurtful. Maybe unintentionally or intentionally. Sometimes edging around your WOE or just respectfully honoring your diet requests is the best support available. I find it goes both ways. Even though I take full responsibility for my eating, that doesn't take the sting out of "You shouldn't eat that" or "Is that on the diet?" or "You could lose another fifteen pounds."

Like CWC said, "You reap what you sow." I'm hoping the only thing you reap is positive feedback.
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  #77   ^
Old Sat, Mar-25-06, 02:44
Bagpuss's Avatar
Bagpuss Bagpuss is offline
Registered Member
Posts: 246
 
Plan: Atkins
Stats: 227/224/112 Female 5'2"
BF:Unfortunately
Progress: 3%
Location: Good Old Blighty
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In summary then:

The SO wants to make you happy, that is almost their sole aim in life, but alas, the goalposts will always be on the move depending on any number or combination of factors.

Damned if they do and damned if they don't.
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  #78   ^
Old Sat, Mar-25-06, 04:25
foxgluvs's Avatar
foxgluvs foxgluvs is offline
From Flab to Fab!
Posts: 11,752
 
Plan: Fat Flush / SB
Stats: 300/225/185 Female 5ft 8"
BF:No Thanks
Progress: 65%
Location: UK
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hahha, I just read through the entire thread....it made me laugh out loud on occasion and cringe on other occasions....How did we get so far from the original point??

In answer to your original post here is my answer:

I started LCing 2 years back ,and at first my DH would say things like, you can't have that can you? as I was tucking into my plate of eggs and bacon, or he'd say, surely you're not still hungry, as I ate my 5th meal of the day....I found myself getting more and more resentful and hurt by his comments. At first, I thought, well he doesn't realise what it's all about (remember quite a few men have never been on a true 'diet' in their lives so how could they possibly understand the way it works?) and then I thought, but no, wait, this is pissing me off, I need to say something.

So about 2 months in, I stood in the kitchen and I said, listen, I know you're only trying to help and support me, but don't mention anything to do with the food I am eating ok? If you want to tell me I look fabulous....fine, if you want to compliment me, great. But I don't like it when you ask if I can or can't have something, I want to deal with the food on my own ok?

I never heard another word out of him on the food issues!

I think sometimes you just have to tell them, often men (and some women) don't 'get' subtle...it just goes over their heads!

Anyway, that's the first and last thing he's ever done to piss me off. (to do with LCing that is obviously. He pisses me off on a regular basis about everything else haha)
In every other way he is incredibly supportive and tells me often just how far I have come and how beautiful I am.
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  #79   ^
Old Sat, Mar-25-06, 08:07
yogamom's Avatar
yogamom yogamom is offline
Senior Member
Posts: 255
 
Plan: Atkins
Stats: 150/124/100 Female 4 feet 11 inches
BF:38%/25%/20%
Progress: 52%
Location: SW Florida
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About two weeks in, DH and I went to a great restaurant for the first time--pretty famous around here, and I'd never been. I ordered the steak and veggies, gave him my rice, ate very little salad, was very good (barring 2 glasses of wine). They serve not just great rolls, but cinnamon rolls with the salad. I was drooling from the time we entered our dining room. He said, just one bite won't hurt! I resisted, "it will put me back on induction" he tore the tiniest bite and fed it to me. That small gesture sent the message. I've been strong. I've done good. I enjoyed induction, and will jump back on the wagon with gusto, but enjoying ourselves is essential to life, too. I did have that taste, it was fantastic. I sent the message that the one taste had far reaching effects, so he didn't make a habit of sabotaging me. He compliments me profusely, and only nags when I eat standing up. He's even taking LC wraps to work instead of subrolls. This is a lifestyle change, and he gets that. As time passes, he sees this isn't a bandaid but a cure--if we go back, I may once again taste a bite of cinnamon roll. I'm a big girl, I know the price of my actions and what I can handle. What more, I have the full support and respect of my man. What more can a girl ask for?

That bite let him know that I take this WOE seriously, but our life together moreso, his offer let me know that he's proud of my accomplishment and confident in my future success, but he didn't want to lose his funloving wife to a food nazi. We are wild children, and do dumb things like stay up all night (on a work night) and drink too much all the time. If LC is a part of me now, so are our dumb choices--part of the adventure. It's what makes us us. That moment just really stands out to me. He gives me the kind of support that I need. Setting me back w/ the confidence that I was strong enough to take it spoke tomes to me. and it still does.
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  #80   ^
Old Sat, Mar-25-06, 12:39
highsteaks's Avatar
highsteaks highsteaks is offline
Senior Member
Posts: 584
 
Plan: General LC
Stats: 240/235/155 Female 5' 9"
BF:
Progress: 6%
Location: UK
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Dana -
What a sweet story! There's some romance, low carb style!

I really agree with your message. This way of life takes such a huge, huge commitment that it sometimes takes on an obsessive quality. I think it's amazing that you're in a place where you can take that little bite and not have it affect you adversely. Congratulations on all your hard work. You sound like you have an amazing guy to help you on your way!
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  #81   ^
Old Sat, Mar-25-06, 12:44
highsteaks's Avatar
highsteaks highsteaks is offline
Senior Member
Posts: 584
 
Plan: General LC
Stats: 240/235/155 Female 5' 9"
BF:
Progress: 6%
Location: UK
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AmoryBlain
His remark was without malice but of course, I took it deeply to heart.

Now, he understands a bit more about the diet. He's happily supportive and always there to compliment me.

...

Even though I take full responsibility for my eating, that doesn't take the sting out of "You shouldn't eat that" or "Is that on the diet?" or "You could lose another fifteen pounds."


Thank you for the kind words, Amory! That's exactly what I mean about things hurting that were not meant in any kind of malcious way. You outlined the dynamics of how this happens exquisitely, so I won't attempt to rehash less eloquently.
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  #82   ^
Old Sat, Mar-25-06, 12:47
highsteaks's Avatar
highsteaks highsteaks is offline
Senior Member
Posts: 584
 
Plan: General LC
Stats: 240/235/155 Female 5' 9"
BF:
Progress: 6%
Location: UK
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I've been talking to my boyfriend about our plans for when we're finally living together again. We have a great little apartment about five minutes from a park filled with bike trails, so we're going to get some bikes and go cycling together.

On this topic, I was reading an article in the New York Times about couples working out together. Apparently it's becoming more and more popular. They interviewed couples who ski and bike and run together. There was a really funny couple with a wife who got annoyed when her husband ran on ahead with the guys on their morning jogs, and he was ticked off because she trained for road races and would kick their asses doing that kind of running.

One couple's solution? A tandem bike. So cute.
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  #83   ^
Old Sun, Mar-26-06, 17:14
nikkil's Avatar
nikkil nikkil is offline
Senior Member
Posts: 7,989
 
Plan: vegan low-carb
Stats: 252/252/199 Female 64.5 inches
BF:
Progress: 0%
Location: Vancouver Area
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Ways that my DH helps: he goes out of his way to find LC treats for me for gifts (ie to a different city that had sf chocolates and candy - have no idea how he found out about it) and he's learned a lot about LC in order to understand it. I've also told him where to find LC chocolates when a special occasion is coming up and he goes and buys them. Yeah, takes out the surprise but he knows he's getting exactly what I want and that I'll be happy with it AND he doesn't have to shop for hours

Ways that he doesn't help: He has, on occasion, brought home non-LC favourites specifically for me when he knows it's not on-plan. I appreciate the gesture and tell him that but then I give it to the kids or to him. I feel bad doing that but I'm still not going to eat it.

One thing that can be good or bad - he never, ever, ever says anything about my appearance. SO, it's good that he doesn't say anything when I was fatter and any time that I've fallen off the wagon but it's bad when I've lost a significant amount of weight and he doesn't say a word about it. I guess he's figuring if he doesn't say anything at all then he can't say anything WRONG, now can he??? He's a smart one I know he loves me regardless of my weight/appearance (just like I do him) and he gives me credit for knowing what I should or shouldn't be eating and knowing that I'm the one that will have to deal with the result - good or bad.

My only comment about the last 6 pages of posts - personally, I would have been very touched that DH got me a subscription to an LC magazine. I was also hugely touched when he bought me the newest book by my favourite author (I hadn't even realised it was out yet!) and also when he brought me home an awesome puzzle book that I'd been looking for. I understand the sensitivity, tho, but just thought I'd tell my personal take on it if I was in the same situation. NOT judging anybody else's reaction to it, just telling my own perspective....

Side note: my girlfriend has a husband that calls her an f***ing fat pig to her face and makes oinking noises when she' eats ANYTHING other than veggies or fruit, calls her larda$$, etc. His response when asked why he does that? Well, to encourage her to lose weight, of course. Ummm, yeah.
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  #84   ^
Old Mon, Mar-27-06, 07:42
vavcon's Avatar
vavcon vavcon is offline
Senior Member
Posts: 1,079
 
Plan: LC, HF, PP
Stats: 214/188.2/140 Female 5 feet, 6 inches
BF:
Progress: 35%
Location: NE OH
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Interesting thread on many levels!

Brian is totally supportive of me. He has always been the "I love you no matter what" kinda guy, which, as Nicole mentioned above, can be good and bad. I lost a ton of weight for our wedding (okay, it seemed like a ton at the time, like 30-35 pounds to 150) and he never really commented on my loss. After we got married, I started gaining (as you can see from my stats, I never do anything half way!). The best thing he has ever said to me about my weight was in January - he said that maybe me losing some weight would be good for our relationship. Wow, that probably should've hurt like a B$&*~, right? Thing is, I agreed 110%, but I needed to hear *him* say it. So I dug right in and have been over 8 weeks hardcore. I'm working out now just about every day and we're eating healthy. My loss thus far has been disappointing, but I've yo-yo'd for about 15 years so I'm taking that into consideration, practicing patience and trying to find the optimal WOE for me. Now I just need to tell him that compliments are appreciated and at times needed. Why is it so hard for women to tell their men what the want or need? It doesn't de-value it. I will do it today!
Chris
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  #85   ^
Old Tue, Apr-18-06, 20:01
Antigone Antigone is offline
Registered Member
Posts: 33
 
Plan: Scarsdale
Stats: 195/195/130 Female 5 inches 7 centimeters
BF:
Progress: 0%
Location: Manila
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I met my boyfriend 45 pounds ago and he hasn't changed since. He's become even sweeter in fact. My only beef is, he's a big guy and overweight but he doesn't look bad, so I guess thats the reason he doesn't diet. It's really hard when we're together and we're going to eat out and he wants to eat pizza and ice cream and have those carb-rich Starbuck frappuccino.
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  #86   ^
Old Fri, Apr-21-06, 21:07
Rsmry Rsmry is offline
Senior Member
Posts: 351
 
Plan: Atkins
Stats: 242/233/150 Female 169 cm
BF:
Progress: 10%
Location: Sweden
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I've been married for nearly 14 years (next month) to Metabolism Man - meaning he is tall and thin (6 ft/165) and has worn the same size jeans since age 19 (he is now 51). He also eats an entire box of cookies before bed *every* night. Despite that, he has never had the attitude that some blessedly, naturally thin people have about fat people and has never, ever made an unkind remark to me and basically keeps his nose out of my business when it comes to this new venture (4½ days on Atkins so far, everything going fine except it is hard to keep my BG high enough), which is exactly what I want. He manages his own meals, which means he eats a lot of frozen stuff, but that is his choice. He hates to cook, but gender equality is pretty much fed to men here in Sweden from the day they are born, so doesn't think he has any right to ask me to cook for him (although he is grateful if I do). The only time he said anything that I once found hurtful was about a year or so after we were married. I tripped or something (don't remember exactly what happened) and he said "Be careful or you'll fall and put a hole in the ground." I FREAKED out and we had a huge fight. It took me a long time (as in years) to finally get it that he had translated a Swedish saying in his head literally to English (I didn't speak Swedish then), and this saying about making a hole in the ground simply means "fall really hard" and is something said to anyone - even a five-year-old skinny kid! Luckily, our marriage survived that particular culture crash (and a few more along the way). I so very much appreciate his treating me as an adult in charge of her own life and her own choices and try to return the favor.
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