I'm so sad today.

Today I realised that even my mother doesn't understand this weight issue that I have, along with thousands of other people.

I am sick and tired of people telling me that if I eat less I'll lose weight!!! "Well, if you did more excersise"
"It's a shame really, you have such a pretty face, but you're hiding it under all that fat"
"I'm only concerned about the health implications"
"I'm only saying this for your own good."
"Men just don't like big women you know, they might say they do..."
"you can't see yourself from behind"
....and so it goes on, the constant barage of 'helpful' comments that drive me MAD.

I am totally poisoned by carbs, carbs and me don't mix, we are totally incompatible and I needed to get rid of them, but it's only through being here that I grew to understand that.

I have PCOS which is not an excuse, it's a fact. I suffer with hormonal problems which are unrelated to the PCO, and these do not help the weight gain.

Before going onto this way of eating, I DID eat a balanced diet - lots of fish white meats, veg and fruit, and I estimate only 30% of my weight gain was through over eating. I led a healthy life style, of bike riding and country walks, by no means was I the type to sit night after night with a pizza and a coke infront of the TV being a couch potato, OCCASIONALLY I had a treat.....but knowing all of this..my mum (even though she is very supportive) STILL said to me today, make sure you don't eat all of that tub of ice cream, or low-carb or not, it won't stay off of your hips you know" And I felt like screaming at her "for goodness sake, I WOULDN'T HAVE EATEN ALL OF THE TUB BEFORE THE DIET!!"

And that's what makes our lives a hell of a lot harder, people thinking that because we are fat it means we are gluttons too, that we sit in eating and eating for the sake of it. I am sure there are people who have done that but I'm not one of them and it comes to something when my family start critisizing and looking at me in that way.

We are all human beings - we all need encoragement, not chastising...

Enough said. Rant over. Thanks for listening.

Argh! I'm sorry you have to suffer through that. I'm so grateful my Mom has never been one to nag me about my weight. She has also had a weight problem part of her life, so perhaps she understands.

I guess if it were me I'd do this:

Plan A: "Mom, do you realize how much time and emotional energy I spend thinking about my weight? You do know I am working to change this, but perhaps you don't realize that these comments you are making are very hurtful to me and do absolutely nothing positive. They just make me want to not be around you and rebell against your nagging by eating everything in sight. Do you want me to lose weight? Do you want to be a support or a hinderance to me?"

Plan B (Mom just won't stop): Limit your contact with her. If she asks why say, "Mom, remember when I talked to you about those comments? You didn't take me seriously and you continued on with them. Your comments are a hinderance to the changes I'm trying to make in my life. So I'm going to have to limit my contact with you so I can make progress in this area. I am committed to succeeding."

That's not helpful, that's hostile! I know how mothers can be, but that's meanness, plain and simple.

You said you felt like screaming at her. Have you ever told her how her comments make you feel? Even if you're sure she'd be deaf ears, it might make you feel better to say something, draw the line. She may actually not KNOW she's hurting you, it may just be her way of trying to push you into losing weight, as clueless as it seems to rational people...

Then again, she might launch into a MAJOR guilt-trip about how it's all YOU being too sensitive!

In that case, I'd NEED a "Mom Vacation" and let her stew until she learns how to behave.

Regardless, WE are here for you!

Yup... makes you feel this big, doesn't it. I'm sorry you are going through this. Plan B worked for me, I see my mom on holidays and occasional visits, but too much contact just brings me down, spending time with family just isn't worth feeling so depressed afterwards. I've discovered we actually get along much better this way.

I know how you feel...my Mom makes snide comments about my weight (one day for a week straight, she turned every conversation into a discussion of how wonderful the gastric bypass surgery is these days ). Not only that, but she sabotages my diet when we are together. I can eat LC almost anywhere...any seafood restaurant, any family-style restaurant, any steak-house, any full-line italian restaurant, any continental or French restaurant, and so on. So of course she always insists that we go to specialty restaurants with a limited line of fare - everything containing sugar and starches. Last time I went out with my parents, she insisted on going to a soup and salad place that serves nothing but carby soups and pre-made salads with pasta and stuff in them. I just ordered a drink and waited until we got home to eat. My Dad didn't like that one bit and made a point after that to ask if the restaurant he chose was okay for my diet. I don't know why mothers can be so unsupportive at times.

It's just an easy way to feel superior.

Not to step on any toes, since potatofree posted a good thread about that, , but while you can come up with any number of reasons, that's the bottom line.

They may not realize it hurts your feelings. There's nothing wrong with honesty; calmly state that such statements hurt your feelings, and why. The ball's in their court, then. They may apologize, or they may explain why your feelings shouldn't be hurt (which is a crappy way to deflect the fact that they hurt the feelings in the first place, but it can be a backhanded way of people wanting to let you know there was no malice intended.)

After all, is there any easier way of making oneself feel good about one's own choices than reflecting on other people's bad choices? Why do you think shows like "Cops" are so popular?

It's not really upfront and honest to express concern by nagging, but unless and until you train your loved ones in better ways of loving you, they will not learn.

And if they just refuse to learn, then and only then are you able to avoid them with a clear conscience.

Thanks for your replies, yes what you all say makes sense, I will be having word with her and see what she says, if she doesn't respond then I'll just distance myself a bit from her, all the negativity is doing me no good.

Thanks for caring xxx

My problem is my co-worker, who's been my "friend" for over ten years. She tells me how my hair is too long for someone my age, that the minute I go off the "diet" I'll gain back all of my weight, that people who do low-carb diets suffer more from depression, that at my age my face will be full of wrinkles if I get thin, etc, etc. I just smile, raise my eyebrow,and remain silent. Of course this probably won't work with your mom. Just remember that you know your body better than anyone, and if you find what works, stick with it. You might try the silent treatment. For some reason, most humans feel a need to fill that silent void and begin stuttering and backtracking.

Well, well just found this post! Its Mum here, I had been so concerned about the weight implications for my daughter that I had finaly after many years decided to tell my daughter that somthing had to be done, I actualy was the first to realise she had PCOS and got her to a Proffessor in Harley Street when every Doctor we went to was saying this was an over-eating issue and I was saying oh no it was not!!
However when your daughter is trying to bring up twins and is unable to do the most rudementry fun things with them because it is too much of a strain, you realise as a Mother that you have to try and help, and so this big bad Muma went on the diet with her daughter to try to offer the encouragement needed, the daughter on the other hand was saying she could'nt possibly live with out pasta, but after two weeks was hooked like you all are and so mission accomplished for the first time in a very long time, weight reducing!!!
Sometimes, when someone understands you and that occasionaly a tough word works wonders and cares about you and loves you it makes it hard to hear the truth, but getting her on the diet is working and I couldnt be more proud of her, however without some straight talking it would not have happened and as my daughter is the most important person (and the twins) in my life I do not regret trying to help, and by the way the ice-cream incident was merely saying, just because it says it's OK to eat don't over-do it, sometimes Mums do state the obvious out of love or fear or both! A nice side issue, I have also lost 2 stones as well!!
So everyone if your Mums gets a bit forward in their comments to you all, know it is 'cause they love you to bits.

I think that if we are fat, then we are gluttons. We ate too much relative to our own body's needs. We ate too much bad food, and probably not enough of the good food.

But there is nothing morally wrong with being a glutton. And with knowledge we can change our eating habits, especially cutting out those carbs!

Speak for yourself!!! There are many people who are fat who are not gluttons.

Hehehe hello mum Oh my - what can i say - I was having a bad day!! I can't even remember when I posted this now!!

Thanks for coming to explain and don't go taking it personally!!
me x

To Mack and Jadefox26: You two are great! Jade, I've reacted similarly to my mom as well. We've had our rows, but we always make it up. That's the wonder and beauty of having a mother who truly cares and can be constructive about it. It may not be what we always want to hear at the time, but ultimately it works.

I'm glad you two made up. BTW: My mom is also a low-carber.

I think it's more often that women are frustrated with their own flaws and project them onto their daughters. It's much easier to criticize someone else than to address your own shortcomings and failures.

I'm sorry if that's harsh, but it's at least worth considering.

If the criticism is really out of love and concern about overeating, Mack, then look into studies on eating disorders. Eating disorders are all about control issues. My mother has been telling me what (and how much) to eat for as long as I can remember. As an adult, I want to regain control over my own life and my own actions. When my mother persists in telling me how to eat, I want to do the opposite to show that I am the one in control of my life. Not her. She no longer has that right and her efforts are counterproductive anyway.

I am not alone in this. I've read a lot on eating disorders and the books all point to control issues, usually with an overbearing mother. You must relinquish control. Your daughter is an adult.

I never had anyone make comments such as the one's mentioned..The worst comment I received was I looked like a Thinner Delta Burke..Not to bad but, still "thinner" not skinny or slim..

When someone suffers from anorexia, you feel sorry for them and are aliitle kinder w/ the words.
but see someone overweight eating an ice cream cone..You make comments to yourself like oh yeah just what she needs..or if you go to a food place and you get 2 meals and they ask is that to go?? no I'll wolf it down right here and give you alittle entertainment!
Noone said anything to me while I was gaining weight, nothing..I really wish they had said even one comment b/c maybe I wouldn't got to 200lbs (at one point).. But also it's who it's coming from and how it's delivered. I could eat a whole pizza myself, so if my friewnds tells me don't eatr the whole thing yourself ..I know it comes from her knowing me, but if my hubs says it..I get angry b/c he's overweight ,so who's he to tell me to watch what I eat.
I think I got way off the original subject, sorry, but don't not see your mom b/c of comments made, before you talk it out w/ her and let her or anyone know how it makes you feel.