For as long as I can remember I have always looked to men for validation. I needed to be told I was beautiful, sexy, smart, funny, loved, cared for. The list goes on. My mood was dictated by how much affirmation I received that day. It didn’t matter how thin or fat I was, I needed these things in my life. My parents weren’t exactly big on making their children feel worthy. Anyway, over the past couple years, my weight went from 155 to 197. I had broken up with my boyfriend and chowed down on super size me Big Mac meals! My weight kept men at bay and I certainly wasn’t going to put myself out there just to be rejected so I was forced to be alone. But in that time I got to know myself and reflect back on how seeking outside validation wasn’t all what it cracked up to be. I learned to love and respect myself. When that started to happen, a little weight started coming off without even trying.

Now that my inside feels better, it’s time for my outside to look better too.

Sometimes it is good to be on the other side of things. You gain a completely different perspective.

I took any attention I could, even unhealthy for me, from men. When I was bigger. Now things are completely different. I won't say I have a ton of self esteem, because that would be a lie. I won't just say 'yes' to everyone anymore. I won't take advances. I don't feel obligated to fulfill someone else's desires just because THEY want it and I want to 'redeem' myself as a person to them. I do things now because I want to and not to try to reaffirm my worth.

And also, good for you!

What a great post!

I completely understand where you are coming from. Before I gained my weight I had an absolutely warped view of weight, beauty, and self-worth. Getting fat let me get to know myself for who I really am, not what I APPEAR to be. I am actually glad about that. Now I'm ready to be healthy.

Oddly enough, gaining weight has turned out to be a gift. Since the weight doesn't come off over night, it gives you time to reflect on how the body was disrespected and polluted with unhealthy foods. And, why we consumed those foods in the first place. For me, it was because I felt unworthy and not good enough. I perceived the food being the only "person" to comfort me and make me feel safe and loved. I would go to my room in the middle of the night with 8 single-serving size bags of cheetos and inhale them in ten minutes. Microwavable bean and cheese burritos gave me a comforting feeling and took the place of yoga and aerobics by making me feel sleepy and euphoric. Stouffer's lasagna and granola cereal had the same effect.

That type of eating made me feel secretive and if no one knew, who would it hurt?

In a different respect, there is time to come up with little ways each day to change our attitude about how we'll show respect and loving kindness to our body. We slowly realize that the world is NEVER the way we perceive it, and that food will not help us hide from our problems forever. Sure, there is a curtain of fat to hide behind, but it just closes us off more and more every day from the rest of the world.

There is no greater gift than finally realizing that we are free from food, the opposite sex (or same sex if that's your preference), drugs, alcohol, or whatever the addiction may be.

Love yourself first.

There are so many other, better, ways to perk up our moods or to feel comforted than food. I know this now.

A lot of the time, it isn't even good food!

I'd say the positives that my stubborn metabolism has given me are:
- resoluteness to tackle whatever (I lost a lot when I was a teen, and had to really struggle with it - not overeating, but even when on a good weight loss diet not losing.)
- discernment about people (I was a heavy kid, learned about toxic attitudes early)
- really healthy skepticism (all the math that medical science claimed would cause weight loss did not in me, and my cholesterol rose on a nearly no-fat-at-all diet; taught me that science is an evolving art)

Yeah, I'm not coming up with any positives.

HA HA HAHHAAAAAA! that is really funny. i think i am with you on that one david.

What a great post

I especially like what you've written in the above quote - so true, in and particular - that bit about how food will not help us hide from our problems forever.

Very well said, and I'm glad you took the time to share your thoughts - much appreciated. I needed a reminder of this too.