A new twist on: "I didn't put this on overnight, so . . ."
I've seen several people post that phrase--I'm sure folks here can recite the rest of it in their sleep. And while this is not meant as criticism of those who found it helpful (on the contrary, whatever works, works!), it just never helped me much; in fact, I found it discouraging as a reminder that I had a long journey ahead of me--tramp, tramp, tramp.
But a few days ago I was down in my kitchen puttering away, and had a cognitive re-ordering, a shifting of borders, a new way of seeing the situation. After a few days of consideration, it's still holding water, so I'm here to share it in hopes that it will be useful to someone else. I'm not sure that I will be able to put it into words, but I'll try.
I was thinking ahead about how life will change when I lose weight, remembering some of the fun that I had being more slender, attractive, active, mobile, and the freedom to wear clothes I loved. Good stuff.
Remember the cautions they give plastic surgery patients when they tell them that a new nose job is not going to change your life? Well, in some ways that's true of weight loss, but in other ways, we all know it's not. Life is different when you're obese than it is when you lose weight, or we wouldn't work so hard to change.
You know how when you're overeating, and overweight, and without much more than a dim wish of change? And you wake up in the morning, and have that momentary window of normalcy, then remember, "Oh, yeah, I'm still fat"? Recognizing that you're living life from the sidelines instead of being in the parade? Feeling older than your years? The stares, the comments from strangers, or friends; the feeling of despair when nothing fits? Or on and on.
And you how different it feels, if you've had your weight down, to just be able to pass as normal, to not cringe away from yourself in a mirror, to like getting dressed, to hop out of bed in the morning? To not hurt when you walk? To go up a set of stairs without hauling oneself up the railing? All things that most people take for granted, but we don't, because we know? It's living in the promised land. I have a lot of good memories of being at a lower weight.
When overeating & overweight, those memories bring more pain than pleasure, because they feel so unreachable and unobtainable. I don't know about others, but I tuck those memories away with the clothes that don't fit, and move on.
But the other day, I realized that if I keep doing what I'm doing, and keep losing weight, then it's just a matter of time until I feel that way again.
And it gave me a warm feeling to realize that I was moving back towards that order of circumstances--I felt happy, just a quiet, glowing recognition almost--like knowing that soon you will be seeing someone you love after a long separation, or will be returning to a place that feels like home.
And the thought came to me that I, in fact, AM moving back towards that--it's just a matter of time now. And just like the feeling when you know that a reunion or a return is going to happen, that someone you love is about to walk in the door, and you just keep on doing what you need to do to be ready for it, I felt peace about the timing, and found myself appreciating just being in a state of anticipation.
I felt happy to know that in a matter of months, if I keep on keeping on, my hopes will be realized.
I am really confident that I've mangled this in the saying, but I can tell you that the peace and happiness have lasted, and I hope that this resonates with someone, and that it's contagious.