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Originally Posted by elisaannh
I often feel I live in a different world. The men I have known have cared about excess weight and have shunned obesity. Even my own husband who loves me and has weight problem of his own admitted he was not attracted to my body. Honesty can hurt, but it is a truth that can be shared and explored.
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I can see and appreciate that you're a realist like me. This may not be the truth, but in my experience, any man who thinks he can get away with having sex with a young, slim woman without being found out will do so, and apart from our feelings about our bodies, most women would do the same with a good-looking, slim young man.
This used to depress me, because I never went for looks in my boyfriends; the handsome men were invariably vain and empty-headed, so I avoided them.
But then I got to thinking about the reasons why looks and youth were so important to us sex-wise. From an evolutionary point of view we've long been hard-wired to choose mates who are likely to produce fit offspring, so it's not a choice, it's an instinct.
Explaining it this way to myself made it slightly more easy to bear.
My ex used to pretend that he didn't mind my extra weight, and it didn't seem to make any difference in bed. But after I left him he used to denigrate overweight women and two years later fell in love with a lovely woman 20 years younger than himself, and just off anorexic as well.
Instinct or not, it's hard not to take that personally.
Your husband sounds like a good man and a fellow-realist too. Few men would be that honest, and you know you have someone who loves you very much for yourself
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At 54, my body is drastically changing and I am in shock half the time wondering how much of it is natural aging and how much is the damage done from being 150 pounds overweight. Sigh.
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Having been very much overweight all through an unhappy marriage and beyond I had not tried serious dieting for nearly three decades.
When I was younger I used to do it to look and feel better, but this time I felt the same kind of shock as you do, because I realised that losing weight in your mid-fifties is quite different. As I lose weight I'm looking older, and the wrinkles and loose skin increase, which hardly increases my motivation to continue.
But that's just in terms of looks. The plus side is *feeling* younger, fitter, and so much more energetic.
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I have never personally resolved what I have observed about men and their reactions to women who are fat. I have weighed as little as 147 pounds and been told by a man I would be a "fox" if I would just lose 10 pounds! I have been obese and never looked at. Some men seemed more attracted to me at 175 pounds than they did when I weighed 150. I don't understand the dynamics at all.
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I've learned that I can't generalise where men are concerned. I never understood the 'men are all the same' cliche, because every man I met was different (Except when it came to wanting sex, but I don't see that as a minus
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I've had the same experience as you, but I live in a different country where few men are sexually attracted to skinny women. I used to put weight on to keep men away, only to find that I started attracting men who found my extra curves extremely attractive
Some men do, some men don't.
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What I do know is that my husband met me at my heaviest and married me and I think that he came to realize that love and relationships are more than appearance.
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Absolutely.
I never wanted to be beautiful, famous or rich because people like that never know if friends or loves want them for themselves until they lose their looks, fame or money. You know that your husband loves you, the very essence of you, and will continue to love you whatever weight you are.
And apart from the emotional bond, there's much more to physical relationships than looks.
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He is supportive, loving and kind which helps me feel secure, The thing I learned quickly is that I cannot hide my body in a relationship....no amount of thinking I am looking somehow thinner is going to cover up the truth. So there is a kind of acceptance of the inherent reality and the ability to move past it.
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I've never been one for affirmations or self-delusion. Like you, I prefer to face the truth and learn how to deal with it.
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It's funny to me that at first it was the obesity that was the problem, but now it is the wrinkles and loose skin that is quickly taking it's place!
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Oh yes
It's funny that I'm starting to think that my lost curves had such nice smooth skin over them
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Take it at your own pace and keep honest about it to yourself and to him. There is nothing wrong with feeling the way you do, it is far more common than most women will admit out loud.
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It's one of those things that we'd rather pretend doesn't exist, and, of course, it affects men just as much when they lose a lot of weight. My current thinking is that it's highly unlikely that anyone, male or female could find loose skin attractive, but that a partner who loves us won't mind because that's just our bodies, and not who we are.
In relationships we all make compromises and forgive a lot of things we don't like.
I know that if my boyfriend turns and runs at the sight of my naked body then that means he never loved me. That's probably most people's fear about loose skin - being physically rejected. If I wasn't in a relationship I wouldn't care much at all about it; taking it as the price to pay for all the benefits of losing weight at this age.
I've told him about it, in detail, but I'm still concerned that he thinks I'm making a mountain out of a molehill. I'm going to sleep with him, but in the end it's my feelings of being physically unattractive that are likely to be much more of an impediment to enjoyment in bed than his reaction to my body.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts and feelings, so very akin to my own.