I wrote this as a reply to someone asking about motivations and what keeps me going. I thought I would go ahead and post it here as well in the hopes that it might to help motivate or just help someone here.

I sit here with a 1000 different starts to this email, as Im really unsure of how to start or whateven to say! (imagine that!)

I guess on some level there is nothing you can do thin, that you can't do while heavier to some degree. But due to general health and fitness then you can do most things better.

But I really can't tell where you are coming from but can see your fear in being smaller. I can't help but wonder what your hiding from as when I've been heavy I've always wanted to be thinner!

I feel so much stronger, fit and more healthy now that Im smaller and yes,even more "powerful" I know now that I can rely and trust my body to do what it is that I want it to do, without the fear of failure or looking like a nincompoop!

As far as motivation goes. It has to come from within. Yes I could have stopped losing weight when I was a size 10-12 as that is the "average" size nowadays. But for me that would be like stopping 10 feet from the goal line of a marathon. At one point, yes that would have been "good enough" but thankfully I started food journaling and that helped me to see just how much
I turned to food for comfort, for love, for affirmation, and for safety. For me anyway a size 12 was all about being safe. I was no longer considered obese and looked like a typical average woman.

When I was a size 18-20 I felt that everyone looked at me and just seen my fat, when I was a size 12 I felt invisible. I think we only notice the extremes and not the averages. The real motivation for me came when I started weight training. I noticed muscles where before I only seen fat. I felt strong and vibrant,to see what my body was capable of. And realized that "good enough" wasn't good enough anymore. I can't be "perfect" but I can be the best that I can be. And I didn't want to hide from myself or others any longer. I didn't want to be "invisible"

So yes, Anything I do now I could have did then, BUT I didn't allow myself to do it. I sat on the sidelines instead of playing. Not only in sports or fun activities, but in life!

I can remember taking my boys roller-skating. I sat and watched them and cheered them on, but in my heart I wanted to be skating with them, to whirl around the rink and act silly and goofy BUT let that fear consume me. Would their fat mom embarrass them? Would those bratty teenagers give me "that look"? Would I fall down and EVERYONE look and wonder what that fat woman
was doing on the rink? Would my face be bright purple because I was so out of shape? All these thoughts would force me or immobilize me into sitting right there.... Now being fit, I can get up and skate with them :) Yes I still might fall down, people still might look at me funny but it no longer matters to me. Yes most of that is the mental weight, but that was my biggest problem and barrier to losing weight.

I've said I know a 1000 times that the mental weight has been much harder for me to lose then the physical weight. And that is so true for me anyway. Fat kept me from living my life, from having fun and kept me prisoner in my own body. And in losing this mental weight, I now can trust my body and know
that I will not gain the weight back this time. I like myself for the first time ever in my life. Losing the weight helped me to find me. Who I am, what I like and not to be afraid of life and to participate in life.

Man, I know im rambling but.... hehehe anyone can choose not to read my words if they like :)

Yes, I've gotten to goal before, twice even ;) only to gain weight right back the moment I hit goal. Why you ask? Well I didn't do any of the mental work necessary before. And I like you didn't know what thin people did! I acted out in very dangerous ways and was like a kite blowing in the wind! That was scary for me so.... eat, eat, eat because that was safe and I felt more "responsible" and yet again this word, "safe" in my heavier body. I knew how to be a heavy person, I knew how to dislike myself....

This time I've learned what and how a thinner Tinakaye can do, how she can act and what she can wear And how not to let myself hide from food but to deal with it responsibly. I find my own strength instead of being afraid of it. I can take pride in my appearance and not think im a "bad girl" for being attractive. Its a learning process, Im not "there" yet and still learn more things about myself everyday. But its been one heck of a journey so
far, and Im looking forward to learning new strengths that I never knew I had.

Its not about how my husband looks at me now ( but I do like that!) or even how my sons look at me now. Its how I see myself now that keeps me motivated and on track. Its much more fun to like yourself

I hope on some level that I have answered your question and helped you tosee some possibilities.

Right on, Tina!

So true about the "mental weight". I think that is why we reach plateaus. It's not our bodies that have to adjust, it's our minds. It takes much longer for our attitude to catch up with our bodies.

Karen

You got it Karen! And I know that is what makes all the difference in the world to me this time in keeping the weight off.

what a wonderfully candid and inspirational post tina! thank-you so much for opening up to us! you're a terrific role model!

eeekkk a role model??? Think I'll go hide lol

I just really want everyone to know that this does work if they hang in there, so many people have helped me to get to where Im at, that if I can repay that and help someone else? My day is made

Tina, your words are inspiration! Sometimes I feel that once I reach my goal, how am I going to deal with it mentally? Even now I look in the mirror and still see the old me, not that I've lost a lot and still have a long road ahead of me, but its difficult. Anyhow, thanks so much for sharing, it makes the wol so much more promising!

I read your post through twice. Makes such perfect sense. I've lost weight numerous times before, and never maintained because my mind hadn't caught up to the goal, as you said. And when we have lost weight, we no longer have the fat, the obesity to fall back on as an excuse to not do something which just might possibly fail at. There are no more excuses, so you either get out there and DO (as you are) or, withdraw back into your shell, and gain that secure fat back again.

I think motivation has a lot to do with it too. For me, when I was younger, dieting was pretty much about vanity. Period. That's not to say I don't want to improve my appearance now, but health and energy are a lot more motivating than just fitting into smaller jeans...

Doreen

Tinakaye

I can absolutely relate to what you say and can only say thank you for this important contribution.

It's a moving and honest account of what most of us face - I have printed your post and am going to stick it on the wall to read when ever I think of taking the 'easy' way out and to regularly remind myself to get my mind together and that like you, I am doing this to be the best that I can be and that the only limiting factor is myself.

Thank you so much.

Nicola

Toni,
You can't wait until you reach goal to start working on the mental journey. Start now with a food journal! I write everything I eat or drink, and then write about why im eating, what is going on and just general rambling to myself. Since NO ONE will ever read these, I can make it very personal. And then as I re read what I have written in the past, different "lessons" jump out at me and help me to see where my thinking is wrong, or just showed me how much I was using food to comfort me or let me hide from different emotions. Its a learning process and yes it can be kinda painful, but its worth it!

Best of luck!

Thanks Tina for your words of wisdom! I never even thought to keep a journal. I record my weekly weight and inches, but good grief, that makes a lot of sense! I really do appreciate your advice, I find it very helpful. Have a great day!

Thanks for such a wonderful post. I will definietly be keeping that around for motivation in the future. You are such a role model for us all! Thanks:-)

Stina

Your wonderful post was very inspirational. I'll read it again whenever those old demons of mine (frustration, despair, anxiety and fear) are pounding on the door. Thank you. Dan

I enjoyed your post Tina,

My reasons for motivation are a bit different from yours, I could never get use to fat, drove me nuts inside (I had trouble dressing a fat body), yet I was too busy with others in my life, I put myself on hold.

It took my age to finally come to my senses, and this wol to know that I can do it for good and not just temporary!

I have learnt from your post that people can mentally have trouble also and not just physically.

Very well said girl

Wendy

Thanks Wendy,

I think its an ongoing journey both mentally and physically to get us to where we need to be. Im not there yet either but am gaining mentally on what I need to do

That is really an inspiring story. I had to read it twice it motivated me so much.
Thank you for the pick me up !

Kass