My point, CWC, is that you don't get to define what is helpful and hurtful for ME. Others have agreed with me about not appreciating the food police, so I won't go there.

Since it has come up a bunch of times, let's discuss the diet magazine subscription...

My boyfriend and I have to live apart for a month due to immigration issues (he is Canadian). For my birthday, he said he'd sent a confirmation in the mail. I know he's short on cash while we set up house, so I was figuring something like a homemade gift voucher for something we'd do when we're together again, or tickets or something small. When I got the postcard subscribing me to a low carb diet magazine, I was hurt and disappointed.

I am extremely committed to losing the weight, but I do not want to become obsessive about it. I don't want this to take over every second of my spare time. I come on here for recipes and tips and ideas and support. I don't see any reason to spend more money on magazines that repeat the helpful things on here and are full of advertisements. My disappointment stems from the fact that my boyfriend felt this was the most important thing, the best choice for a birthday gift. I have so many interests and passions, I didn't understand why this should be singled out.

I agree, a low carb magazine subscription is a totally supportive act. As a birthday gift, however, not so fantastic.

NOW, please, please, could we move on from dissecting my relationship and continue the topic at hand?

To be very clear: my relationship is not up for discussion. If I ever felt like I needed help with that, I'd talk to people who knew both of us, or see a qualified professional. I thought that was pretty obvious, but hey.

On a lighter note, talked to my boy last night. He's staying with friends until we have an apartment (the same guys he lived with in college) and it's so funny to hear him talk about their eating. He was all shocked that they just ate cereal for dinner cause they were too lazy to cook! This from the guy who formerly existed on ketchup and mayo sandwiches...on white bread of course. He really appreciates the healthy eating that has rubbed off on him. It's so nice to hear him talking about cooking good stuff!

1. It is evident that the low carb newsletter was not hurtful from a dieting POV, but a relationship/money POV.

2. I find it hilarious that in a post in which you again spend the whole time discussing your relationship, you end it saying "my relationship is not up for discussion."

3. I'm done.

Okay, we have to agree to disagree.

One thing that is for sure is that

FEELINGS ARE NON NEGOTIABLE!
If you feel a certain way ie: hurt, helped, sad, happy... no one can tell you otherwise. So I just think that we need to end this post and move onto better things!

Everyone's reason and points are valid in that THEY believe them; its hard to give advice on relationships and support, that is why psychiatrists and doctors get paid the big bucks!

Communication is key in any relationship and I believe that no matter how well you think you know someone, no psychic powers will be developed. If you (that means anyone) think that you need support, then tell your SO. I know when I was combatting my ED I took all comments that were meant to help me very defensively, however when I decided to seek help myself those comments (In hindsight) were meant to be supportive.

i agree 100% bostongal. no one has the right to tell another person that their hurt is invalid. maybe you dont understand why it was hurtful to her, but so what? she does. i cant believe people are being so rude.

God, I fall asleep and look at what I miss.

Kate this is a public forum. If you don't want your relationship out there for pubic discuss you should have kept this to a journal where you can control a discussion to only include people that agree with you. The more you try to defend your position the more you show just how ungrateful you are. Now you tell us a gift if not to your liking is hurtful and disappointing. He choose something that was within his budget and you turn your nose up at it. Ever hear of its the thought that counts? I suggest if you are getting so tiresome of your relationship and your emotional issues being brought up for for public debate that the next time you do it in a private area.

Kate, there are obviously people here that understand what you are trying to say and those that don't. I'd ignore the ones that don't. It actually sounds like they have the issues, not you, in that they seem to be reacting to someone having boundaries and preferences in how they are treated, which, in my opinion, is a pretty healthy part of any relationship. Being able to speak up and express those boundaries is important too.

I also have a wonderful man supporting me through this journey. He is so understanding in his support that he actually asked me very early on what forms his support should taking. He fully understood that personal feelings/quirks/whatever can sometimes make different types of support inappropriate for different people. I told him I'd prefer he didn't do the food police thing, after years of being obese and feeling ashamed of my food consumption, I over-react emotionally to comments on my food. I did tell him to go ahead and be the exercise police though. I tend to slack off on my exercise when I can and just a look or word from him can remind me how great I feel when I exercise and for me that's great support.

Val

Yes and you would never think of calling him exercise police for those looks either would you? Or come here and complain about your DH giving you looks when you dont exercise when you should, would you? If your DH gave you a gift that was not what you were expecting would you come here and tell the forum it was hurtful? I think not!!

She comes here opens up her personal relationship and emotional issues and then bulks when somebody disagrees with her.

Yeah, because she's asked you a million times to stop doing and you won't.

Funnily enought, I see a corollary here between the original topic and this disagreement. GOOD support means that if someone asks you to support them in a particular fashion, you listen to them. They tell you that they way you are choosing to support them is actually hurtful to them, and you stop.

You don't seem to be able to understand that. You seem to think that someone should just take whatever kind of support they are offered and shut up, even if that support isn't appropriate to them. All Kate is doing is expressing how some things her SO did, while possibly very supportive and wonderful for another person with a different set of emotional needs, aren't appropriate for her.

She didn't say she ragged on him for it. She didn't say she thinks less of him for it. She didn't even suggest she's ungrateful for it, though you seemed to get that, I certainly didn't. She's just saying what works for her and what doesn't. Did she say she yelled at him for the magazine subscription? No, she just said how it made her feel. Haven't you ever been disappointed in a gift before? Lord knows I have. It doesn't make me ungrateful, it just means I had expectations that I didn't get fulfilled. I know I've never made someone who gave me a disappointing gift feel bad, but I may drop a few more hints about spa pedicures before my next birthday.

It's a discussion, just to talk about what works for us and what doesn't. Learning what works for us and what doesn't, and how to ask for it in our relationships and lives is a healthy, growing, mature thing to do, and a very valid thread in a support forum.

Val

Nope no veggie eating here. It is not good for some conditions I have. Yes it is healthy as far as I am concerned..

In a general LC forum?
Try it in the emotional forum!

And Highsteaks I respectfully requested that you stop PMing me trying to control what I say.

Sheesh................

My husband is supportive all the way. What I have to contend with are my own insecurities that whisper in my ear that one particular course of action he may take seems supportive whereas another may seem hurtful.

Unless we're careful to monitor what may be our over sensitivity to our weight issues, our partners can be damned if they do and damned if they don't.

BTW I've been relating this thread to my husband in the hope that he'll buy me a subscription to a lc magazine.

Thats been my point all along Bagpuss. Don't throw the onus of your personal issues on your partner.
Be responsible for your own emotions rather expect your parter to do it for you.....That's not help and support....that is using.
I'd sure like to know how hurtful he felt when she responded to his thoughtful and genuine supportive gift.