It can be difficult being with someone who has learning difficulties. My DH was diagnosed with aspergers a few years ago, it was something he'd had all his life, but wasn't known about when he was a kid. He had got to the point where he couldn't deal with the condition, became agoraphobic and suffered from severe anxiety and depression. He's doing better than he was, since he had a course of cbt, he now goes to work, and can go to the shop, but can't handle any other social situation without me - even seeing his family. He was very different when I met him - pretended to be ultra confident - turns out that this was just a coping mechanism that couldn't last.
It was a huge shock for me, the diagnosis, and understanding that in many ways he would never change, he would never get better. In loving him, I had to accept that I would be looking after him for the rest of his life. He went through a period of incredibly low self esteem, especially during the diagnostic process which highlights everything he couldn't do or struggled with.
As one poster suggested, I did the exercise of writing a long list of his positive qualities for him. It helped me to change my mindset about how I thought about things. Like yourself, I'm pretty capable and can turn my hand to most things, whereas he struggles with lots of things. It would have been easy for him to start feeling inferior, but I've made a conscious effort to change the way we interact. In the past I could be critical at times, especially when I had expectations that he didn't meet. But understanding the problems he has, the specific things that he has difficulties with, and trying to cater to them, has improved our relationship. For instance, by talking, I found that he needed specific instructions on how to do things, preferably written. He also couldn't tell how I was feeling or understand my thought processes, so by improving my own communication skills and telling him my feelings and explaining thought processes, and not just assuming that he understands, made a huge difference. For instance telling him when I need a hug, or keeping my cool when we have a disagreement, and explaining why I'm angry or upset, instead of expecting him to realise.
Being with someone with a learning difficulty can be hard work. And making it work requires effort from both parties. I work hard at the relationship, but then so does he. I've make sure to appreciate all the qualities on the list, and many that I forgot to write down. I tell him he's my hero, he fights severe anxiety every day in order to work and interact with people, it takes huge amounts of courage.
Anyway, the point of relating this is to say, that it can work if you both love eachother and you're both willing to give ground and work on things. I'm not sure if it can work if he wants to use his learning difficulty as an excuse all the time. But maybe this is just a barrier he uses to protect himself? Maybe if you were able to get some foundations to his self esteem, with counselling etc then maybe he would feel a little more confident. Having a learning difficulty or mental illness, is scary, and the easiest thing to do is often to maintain the status quo. Making changes takes courage and confidence.
It sounds as if you have loads of intelligence and insight to help him through this if that is what you want to do, and if he's willing. But remember that you have yourself and your son to look after too, if he's not willing to put in the work, there may come a time when you need to say 'enough's enough' for the sake of you and your son.
Lee
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