So I'm often guilty of self sabotage. I'm really scared to be thin. Illogical...even as I write it I find it sounding stupid.
I have been overweight since age 8 thanks to a hypothyroid, too much processed food (I didn't know you could buy vegetables that didn't come in a can until I started buying my own groceries), and closet binge eating.
My fat never held me back from anything I wanted to do. I wore the same clothes as my friends, I had a healthy social life, dated men who were totally out of my league (based on others standards), I was and am normal...
My husband and I want a baby. No problem, healthy cycle, I ovulate every month without fail and have a normal period. Only one problem...my fat IS holding me back for once. I want to give birth in a birthing center instead of a hospital and that requires a healthy body fat percentage.
I lose weight easily when I stick to plan, I average 4 lbs a week. I'm young and love being outdoors so when I eat properly I melt...but a soon as I get to 249-250 I binge...and fall off the wagon with a hard thud. I'm so scared to weigh less than that...
So here is what I'm scared of: if I lose the weight and suddenly don't want to get pregnant anymore. Like losing weight will bring out an evil twin who thinks only of herself (think nutty professor). It's dumb but I can't seem to get over it!
I can't convince myself that changing my exterior won't change my desire for a child.