Once more into the breach...
After a lifetime of failed attempts, will this be the time; the time I don't lose heart mid-battle, frustrated with the time it takes to show results; the time I don't let myself become lulled into complacency? For truly, I don't know which is a fiercer enemy; success or lack of success, I must be diligent in the pursuit of my goal.
My highest weight was 451 lbs, today I weigh 435 lbs. The lowest weight I have been in 15 years was 359 lbs, I was there for 1 day.
My body has been wonderful to me! I have asked so much of it throughout my life and it has always given and given. The last few years it has been showing signs of wear, from the way I have mistreated it throughout the years. I don't know how much longer it is going to keep working if I don't change what I am doing. Let’s face it, what I am doing now is not living, it is existing. I have robbed myself and my family of so much, by just existing. It is too painful to think about, it is a knife piercing my heart, filling me with overwhelming sadness. My weight has me held captive. I am not able to do the things I want to in life. The ironic thing is that my faithful friend food, who has always been there for me, who always made me feel better (at least at first bite), who tantalized my senses, has betrayed me. Food no longer satisfies me like it once did. Yet I still crave it, I still want the illusion it promises.
Right or wrong, I feel my success or lack thereof governs every area of my life. If I have control over my weight, I feel successful in other areas of my life; I am a ‘good’ person. I have worth. When I am losing my weight loss battle, then I feel like it negates every good thing I have done in my life. I haven’t yet learned how to separate who I am as a person from my weight.
This battle seems immense, unconquerable at times. Being completely honest, I don’t know if I have what it takes to win, to be free of this self imposed prison. I will keep fighting, I can’t stop fighting, you never know which battle will turn the tide. I learn from each failed attempt. So all I can say is once more into the breach, dear friends, once more…
It is possible that this post would have been better suited to my journal instead of the forum, but I need the accountability. Too many times I have quietly began in my journal and slipped away just as quietly.
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