Oh, I KNOW that grains are horrible for me.

It's just that if I have a Celiac diagnosis, I

* Know how much higher the stakes are
* Have something to defend myself with when OTHER medical professionals complain about my diet. ("This is the food pyramid....")


I try to keep my focus on getting my HEALTH in order, and let the weight take care of itself.

I know this works, and that I will feel so much better once I'm committed and DOING it.

Certain things cause struggle. For example, I'd love to give up diet soda, but when I go out (which happens a lot), it is a constant struggle to get drinks that AREN'T soda. I can't get water. Well, I can... a little glass too tiny to get a full swallow from. And no refills (even at places where sodas are refilled when barely touched). If I ASK for a refill of water (which doesn't cost them anything) I'm treated like a beggar, while they gladly refill glasses with soda (which cost them money). And if I ask for iced tea, first I have to fight not to get sugar in it. (And often, they screw up and put a little sweet tea in the regular dispenser... I can taste it, it's gross to me, but they'll argue and insist that "that's not sweet tea".) And it is probably made much too strong, so I need to cut it with water, and that's another hassle.... and after a couple months, I give up and order "Diet, no ice", because I can get that without a fight.


Same sorts of struggles have hit me with the LC, the past handful of years. And mentally... I've got a lot going on right now. I'm in a perpetual state of one-straw-away from breaking point. I have been turning down all temptations to add one more thing to my plate, commitment-wise, for months. "I can't take on anything new until after the first of the year... Then, we'll see."

I'm worried. I'm worried about how I'm going to deal with the struggle to find food I can eat while traveling and in "hostile" environments. (And I have to spend time in environments that are actively hostile to and bitchy about LC. There's this one woman in particular, who works in a medical office, so thinks she knows more than anyone, gets really unpleasant really fast. And it's one of those situations where even though she may be rude, I cannot afford to be.)

And I'm frequently traveling, right now. On-the-road food can be rough, when you don't have time -- or resources, on one end -- to pack your own 'travel food'.

So this is where my mental reservations are coming from.

Of course, I know that my crappy (ie: carb-filled) diet is one of the things sapping my mental and physical energy. I know that -- physically and mentally -- I'll feel much better once I'm doing this whole-heartedly.

Tomorrow is my endoscopy. Today, I have to be out of town. This weekend.... this weekend will by my chance to rest, and gather mental resources to COMMIT to getting this right.