Dear Fat, AKA Pudge, Chub, Jiggle, Jellyroll, Flab, Thunder Thighs, etc:

I'm sorry to say that this is the end. I'm leaving. I'm running (yes, RUNNING) to greener pastures, and I'm sorry, but you just can't come with me. There's no room in the overhead bin as it is, and the rates they charge for extra baggage on those flights? Heinous!! Plus you are such a buttface when you hog those little bags of peanuts.

So I guess what I'm trying to say here, Fat, is that it hasn't been all bad, I guess. You helped me grow a lot as a person and become the adult I am today, not to mention being there to cushion my bones very nicely the times I fell and stuff. I'll always recall with a smile and a headshake coming home from work in college and us sharing a big old bowl of mashed potatoes. Hey, we were tired and hungry! And potatoes are good! We're Irish, after all.

Still, I guess I should thank you for making sure I grew up with a personality, a brain, and skills that a lot of other people don't have. You definitely helped me develop humility, a sense of humor about myself, and the ability to rely on my brains and personality rather than just good looks. You always cramped my style, but that didn't stop me from dating steadily, finding a wonderful husband who loves me passionately (and amazingly enough, thinks you're pretty cute too, fat! But you can't have him- he's taken!!).

So I guess this is goodbye, fat. I guess you've learned that I don't need you anymore, ever since those telltale portions of steak, chicken, cheese, and leafy green veggies began showing up in my belly. What can I say, I've never been good with breakups.

But don't be sad, Fat! You won't be alone. I'll be leaving you some buddies to keep you company. High blood pressure is a bit high-strung, but he's OK once you get to know him. Athsma will take your breath away! Allergies are OK, but just avoid giving them any flowers..cause..well, you know. Knee pain can be kind of a b*tch, but she shuts up after a few Tylenol PM, so keep the medicine cabinet stocked. Oh, and fluid retention, how could I forget her? Just keep your feet elevated and soak in some epsom salts, and you'll be right as rain! I promise!

I can't say I'll miss you very much, Fat. But then again, I've always been a bit ungrateful in that area. Thanks for the (belly) laughs.

Oh, and Fat?

Don't let the door hit you on your (gigantic) ~$$ on the way out, mmmkay?

Love,

BigFatMare