You've done well to reach out here. Reading...reading...reading. That shows a growing sense of purpose. As for advice, I appreciate what Bonbon has to say, especially about not hating yourself.

In decades of yo-yo dieting of one kind or another, I've experienced long periods of time when I just couldn't get back to the dietary (and weight) control that's necessary for me. Yet there comes a "magic moment" when Yes! I find the way and the will. If I could bottle this magic, I'd make a fortune. Yet I believe in it, and think you can have it, too.

By way of suggestions:
--I hate not knowing whether I'll be able to wear the clothes I have for the next season. Not fitting into my favorite warm coat is a big incentive right now.
--I need a simple plan. Very simple. Atkins induction (and incremental additions) does it well. You get to add not subtract! Delicious flavors (can you say butter?)
--I hang out here.

Best wishes.