This is an amazing thread.

PJ- Your statements about panic really hit home for me.

My adult life has been full of this cycle where panic and fear lead me to continue repeating bad behaviors so I can ignore that feeling of panic. Only later realizing where the bad behaviors have left me. Thus leading to panic again. I guess this is the cycle any addict goes through whether it has to do with drugs and alcohol, food and weight, finances, etc.

I have never believed or even fantasized that I could lose 100 pounds, and I never faced what I really wanted. I never took a look deep down inside and said - I want this. I see my future as this. I just focused on what I wanted right that instant. Well, that thing was almost always the exact opposite of what I wanted long term.

Today, my motivation is coming from the ability to dream. To envision a brighter future. Somehow as the weight piled on and I started to grow up, I stopped thinking about how I wanted things to be and just dealt with how things are. Numerous times in my life, I have actually been proud of myself for being able to just deal with it. It felt like I wasn't living. I was just reacting to what was happening around me. I want to take control of a part of my life, and this seemed like a good place to start.

I want to make small goals important to me, and yes I agree they need to be achievable in steps. I believe every big problem can be solved, but it needs to be broken down to its smaller parts. - I think someone taught me this in Math class.

Also, thanks to everyone for sharing their motivations. I am just starting out, and all of the reading and personal stories do and will help me to come back here and keep trying.