What can your significant other do??
 

Hey everyone!
I thought I'd start this thread after discussing support with my boyfriend.

He's been amazing along my journey so far - changing his diet so I can eat more meat, buying more expensive groceries, paying for gym memberships, cooking low carb meals and being generally fantastic.

I'm interested in ways you think ARE and ARE NOT appropriate to support a significant other in ongoing weight loss.

I find there are a number of difficult issues here. For me, when I started seeing my love, I was 50lbs lighter than my heaviest. This causes a bunch of body image and confidence issues. He had to deal with me crying as I couldn't find clothes that fit me in my closet, and just being utterly miserable that I'd let myself go.

I've also read about people having problems with sex due to body image, and a whole host of emotional problems. I know that gaining all that weight damaged my own self-confidence - one of the things that attracted my guy in the first place!

So...what do you think are ways for them to be supportive? There's a fine line here - you want someone to support what you're doing, but I know I HATE having food police around. I don't want someone nagging me if I slip up.

I think at the bottom of it, wholehearted support from your SO can mean they agree with your own self-assessment - that you're fat. This is a hurtful enough judgement to come to on your own, without the love of your life thinking the same thing!

I apologize for the rambling nature of this post...I just think the issues involved are complicated.

What do you guys think? What are some things that have helped you? What are some things that really hurt?

Ok, I'll go first, since I started this!

HELPFUL: Calling all the local restaurants to find low carb offerings on Valentine's Day so we could go out to eat; genuinely loving me for me and not my body.

HURTFUL: Signing me up for a low carb magazine subscription as a surprise; telling me I shouldn't go to Cold Stone for ice cream 'cause I'd regret it.

One thing that my DH does that helps me is when we want to go out to eat, he asks if a certain restaurant has anything on its menu that I can eat. He's pretty nice about asking me to pick the restaurant. Chinese buffets are pretty much out of the question now - so he makes sure he gets his fill of them when he goes out to lunch with the guys at work.

LOL - Highsteaks...my DH does that "you'll regret it" thing too, but it actually helps me. He's seen me struggle with wanting something I shouldn't have and he knows it's just better overall if we don't step foot in certain places. Sometimes the temptation is SO great that I have trouble saying 'no' to things I shouldn't have.

Perhaps a bit more tact about the way it's said, though, would help, eh?

Yeah, I know what you mean Christine!

He's definitely doing to help me, but I'm someone who rebels against any kind of control. So telling me not to have something really brings out the petulant child in me, who wants to go eat the biggest, sugariest ice cream there!

I guess my goal is that he would never have to tell me that. If I have my eating under control, and I feel good about my weight, then it's not going to be a problem! Work in progress, however...

My DH is SOOOOO wonderful! :rheart:

He eats whatever I fix, he compliments me on how great I look and tells me how proud he is of me! He's even started doing a pilates workout with me, and goes for walks with me!

Sometimes he absentmindedly asks me if I want to try some carby or sweet thing he's eating, forgetting that I don't eat those things, but he's not doing that intentionally!

I'm sorry Kate, but I quite miss your point of this whole thread. You start off by telling how supportive he is then complain that it doesn't take the form you expect. I completely disagree with you and would be highly offended if I were him and knew you were discussing him like this after him putting his best foot forward. Some people are never satified IMHO.

Kevin,

You do, in fact, miss my point.

I wanted to be very clear about how much I appreciate my boyfriend's love and support through a difficult time.

I'm not complaining that it takes one form or another - all I'm doing is pointing out how touchy an issue this CAN be in a relationship. I'm not sure how has been for you, and I would never make assumptions about the challenges you must have faced.

All I wanted was to start was a space for people to discuss what they found helped or hurted. This could even be a resource for someone in a relationship to show their SO. My boyfriend expressed to me the difficulties inherent in supporting a diet or way of eating.

I thought I was clear enough about this, but let me lay it out. Changing your way of eating is a HUGE decision, which changes many aspects of one's life. Now, if you are making such big changes, it's fair to assume you're unhappy with some aspect of your body - health or appearance-wise.

If your SO agrees with you that you need to change, EVEN IF THIS IS TRUE, I think some people find it hurtful. I know many women find it extremely inappropriate for their husbands and boyfriends to comment on their eating habits or weight.

Maybe this is because women deal with weight issues more than men do, and generally for longer. Maybe different emotional responses are conditioned into different genders. I'm not going to delve into these murky waters, interesting as they may be.

This thread is a discussion of that fine line between supporting a healthy way of eating, and one's SO essentially saying "You're too fat. Go on a diet."

I'm sorry you couldn't appreciate the nuances of this line, and the complexity of emotions I've seen many people juggling on this board. Feel free not to read this thread if you "disagree" with my bringing up this important topic.

The food police thing is a sure way to tick me off. My DH is pretty good at not doing that. Of course it's easy now that the weight is coming off.

I think it was frustrating for both of us to see me try low fat/high carb diets without any results for years. One of the things I would do in the past, is fall of the LF/HC wagon and eat ice cream and other no-nos.

I don't have that problem with LC and I have lost weight, so no more reason for DH to feel the need police my food.

He's actually really supportive. Sort of eats LC with me, with a few exceptions. He does complain about how I eat the cheese and nothing else off the pizza, he always feels like he has to eat the bread I leave behind, plus all his pizza too. I've been telling him not to do it, but he can't seem to let it go to waste.

I'm also fortunate in that DH likes bigger women. He doesn't find waifs attractive and I'm definitely a curvy person whether I'm thin or fat. My thin is still pretty hefty. :)

My only complaint is he doesn't really understand the LC diet. He'll occasionally contemplate going on it with me as he could stand to lose 20lbs, but can't seem to grasp that LC means no milk, no fruit, etc.... After watching me for the last few months, you'd think he would know that.

Oh, and on the food police. I've always told DH to stay out of it, but that it was okay to try and distract me. Instead of 'don't eat that, you'll gain weight' to try 'let's take the dogs for a walk' or 'let's go to a movie', which is more subtle and a better way to support someone's diet.

F

I'm the guilty one in our family. In the past two years, I've lost over 150 pounds. My husband jokes that there is a "conservation of mass" because he is now morbidly obese. I desperately want him to lose weight...there is a strong history of heart problems and Type 2 DM in his family, and he is constantly out of breath. I really don't care how he does it; doesn't have to be LC. But I fear that it will never happen. We are both food addicts, and I sometimes think he will be obese until he suffers serious health consequences. And our relationship has changed in other ways, too...I like to go out and dance, and play, and he has no interest in much of anything other than watching TV.

Weight loss has ramifications that people don't think about when they are embarking on a diet. It can get very, very complex.

my dh could realize that while eating on plan - when going thru the drive thru i can not eat a bunless burger and drive unless you want ketchup on the steering wheel.

I think I picked up on the nuances of your post Highsteaks, but do you really expect most guys to be able to?

That being said, if I got just one compliment about how good I look, or how much weight I have lost, or how strong my commitment has been...well I think I'd faint dead away!

I do get them all the time from friends, family and even the great folks here, but not from the one person in the entire world that matters most. That's hard, you know?

But back to the point of your post, some people would find the Ice cream comment offensive and others not. Everyone of us is different. ou are absolutely correct though that there is a fine line and I feel only through open and honest communication, while trying to view the discussion from our mates point of view, is the only way to help each other through the journey.

The beauty of an open forum is the fact that others have decenting views and should bring those view to light so that the disucussion is not one sided. What I see you saying here is you have no responsibility for your emotions here and think the burden falls upon somebody else when in fact they are trying their best to do right by you. If you can't deal with the emotions you should think about what you might do rather than somebody else. IMHO

I hear ya Yooper! Compliments help tremendously!
What doesn't help is the phrase, "You don't need that" as you're about to take a bite of LC ice cream. Even when ya know that they don't EVER mean it to hurt your feelings, that just cuts me to the bone.

i dont have a bf but i have had guys say "that bite of cheesecake isnt gonna do u any good." its embarassing and hurtful. kevin, maybe you dont get it, because you are a man.


but im sure us woman do.