Yeah, this is a really hard topic frankly. There's a lot of issues involved that really don't have much to do with food underneath.

I understand how you feel. May I ask how often the kids visit grandma? If it is frequently then I agree with the people who have said limit the visits, and if she asks about it tell her why. You don't have to be harsh, just state matter of factly that it is about what they eat when in her care.

Well, it is hard to do, but contrary to "using your kids as weapons", it's asserting your adulthood. Unless they take you seriously about what goes in your child's body, how can they take you seriously about anything else?

Admittedly, in my condition, I see sugar perhaps a little more in the extreme than someone who is just a few pounds overweight. And without the extreme danger to health and life that I have faced, it might not seem important what habits your children develop. But seeing dangerous foods as a reward is seductive, insidious and persistent. It could take years to undo the damage.

Not to mention the damage to your autonomy if you let her be the one to set rules for your family.

By denying the grandparent the right not to see the child. It only hurts the child in the long run. It's not like their being abused or neglected. Seriously their are worse things in life than candy and pasta and to cause a riff in the family over it is a waste. In 20 years nobody's going to remember what they ate, but they sure will remember the time they spent with their grandparents.

That's true, and as a male, I don't have some of the same "mother" issues that some females might. Mine are different and as a result I haven't seen my mother since my child was born. Few people are willing to go to that extreme. I can't be around drug abusers and I won't allow them access to my child.

The last thing I would do is tell myself that just because I stopped using drugs is no reason to keep my abusing mother away from her grandkids. My mother gave me drugs as a kid, why wouldn't she give drugs to my child? She also gave me sugar, and it nearly killed me. It might yet.

Sugar, in my estimation, is just another drug. Tough love is tough.

But I guess sometimes I am a little too harsh - compared to some who might be a little too mild.

I don't know what line of reasoning yielded using your kids as weapons. From my perspective, it is not asserting your adulthood but your parenthood. It is taking responsibility as a parent for your children's health, well-being and behavior.

And an addiction to sugar is not harmful?

Besides you are not denying anyone anything, you are setting limits for the good of the child, and if the Grandparents are sane adults, they will stay within the limits for the good of the child. So they WILL get to be with the grandkids. Everybody wins, and a generational addiction to carbs is broken.

That depends on the nature of the grandparent. In this instance it sounds as if the grandparent is using the children as a weapon.

Maybe some depends on the kids, too. If they have issues with ADD, if they have ANY kind of health issue, then plying them with junkfood may have more serious consequences for them short and long term than if they are seemingly healthy symptom-free children.

I'd think it'd depend on frequency, too. If she has them every weekend it's a real problem. If she has them once a month, less so.

It is clear she's looking for a way -- like most parents and grandparents, I'm guilty too -- to buy the kid excitement and demonstrate love in that fashion.

Maybe you could get her to do it differently. Like instead of just handing them candy, maybe if there was going to be junk food, it would consist of HELPING HER make cookies. At least then there'd be some quality time between them, even if the food was gonna suck either way.

Agreed, and good point, but I see Parenthood as a subset of Adulthood. It is one of the things you can develop as a result of your adult autonomy. In a situation like this, I would bet that more than parenting issues are involved.

I agree Baerdric -- a lot more than parenting is involved. However, if the OP thinks about it in terms of parenthood then the path to solving the issue becomes much clearer.

Yes, I see what you mean. I never understood the instinctive depths that parenthood can stir in a person - until I became a parent. I was a very late parent (40) so most of my reactions to my parents were about separating as an Adult first.

Kids are getting diabetes and obesity like crazy these days because it is so mainstream to feed them junk all the time. If someone were injecting my kid with a drug that would give them a disease, I'd act pretty protectively. Change the word injecting with feeding and you have the same idea.

I see all the time people in the Celiac forum dealing with grandparents being careless or ignoring their grandchildren's health issues with wheat. It's just horrible. It is child abuse, IMHO.

A parent that doesn't take steps to protect their child's health, when they know better, is abdicating their responsibility. IMHO of course.

I allow my parents a lot of leeway when it comes to me. It is out of love and respect (and they are quite old), and the knowledge that everything they do is out of love, even when it is sometimes misguided. However, when it comes to my children, I am a mother tiger. There is no one, not my parents, or anyone else on this planet, including my dear husband, that will dictate or direct in the negative against what I see as the best interests of my children. I truly did become an adult when I had them, standing on my own two feet and challenging anyone or anything that could harm them. I am fearless when it comes to protecting them and advocating for them.

I don't know how old your children are or how often they visit with their grandparents but, protecting and defending the best interests of my children wouldn't even be up for discussion with me. My parents would bend to my will or not see my children, and I adore my parents and my children adore them, too.

My problem isn't my parents. It is my ex-husband and my husband's ex-wife. Those two absolutely refuse to provide any kind of healthy foods for our kids when they are with the other parents. It is terribly frustrating - the amount of sugar - OMG. I'd like the boys to make healthy choices on their own, but c'mon - with all of that sugar being waved in their faces, I know that isn't going to happen. Frustrating because we're so careful with what we feed them.