I see that this forum doesn't get much action and I'm not surprised. I'd like to find some folks who do want to look at themselves, their eating and how they deal with their emotions. And have an interest in sharing it here.

I'm wondering now what makes it hard to change?

For me, I think I embrace change fairly quickly. But when I am hesitant to change it's because looking at myself, which is required if you want change, can be scary. Acknowledging shortcomings is the prelude to change and nobody wants to be leave the comfort of what they know, even if it makes you miserable.

Anyone else?

Going to those dark places is thehardest work I believe we will ever do. So few actually attempt to open that door to the unconscious. We put a guard at the gate and say "Do not open for anything!" Why do we do that? To shield ourselves from things that were just too painful.

Of course, what has been repressed then manifests itself in symptoms. Anxiety, depression, over eating, etc.

To explore behind that door is a very courageous and brave thing to do. And your psyche will only allow you to go at a pace you can handle. That is when resistance steps in. Another protective mechanism.

But it is the greatest and most rewarding journey, and kudos to you for embarking. I am doing some of the work right now myself. Very difficult. But the rewards are great...in fact, I think my marriage has been saved due to what I have uncovered.

My Mama used to say (from her days at AA) that, "When the pain of where you're at exceeds the fear of where you're going, change will occur."

It makes a lot of sense!

I often wonder why I don't immediately jump off the emotional eating bandwagon. After all, it's a terrible habit, it destroys the body and the soul, and can ruin hard-lost weight in a very short time.

I've decided that I just MUST BE that the pain of it doesn't exceed the fear of what a "different" life would be like. I say a different "life" and not just a different diet or better eating habits, b/c we all know that the emotional eating is just a symptom of a deeper issue.

What is so scary about being emotionally healthy and having functional coping mechanisms and being at peace rather than at war with myself??? Obviously I'm more comfortable being at war with myself than I am with the prospect of being at peace with myself. What else could it be?

You won't believe this, but right now in my therapy, we are simply discussing peace...what it is, and whether or not it can even be found. That's as far as I can even go right now--what is it and does it even exist? Talk about resistance!! And my therapist is a very kind and loving person...she has already sensed that I will not be pushed quickly into this, so she is taking it ever-so-slowly.

I'm hoping that all facets of my life (including my marriage) will be benefited by my "going behind that dark door."

I read your post and it really touched me! Best wishes to you!
~Ang

I love AA quotes.

I'm not sure if I ever thought about it like that. Maybe I (we) are more comfortable with being at war with ourselves. I'm sure that's, at least, part of the story for me. I sure know what it feels like to be in chaos, misery, angst with myself, but peace? I didn't know that was possible. That's huge as far as I'm concerned. But that would mean accepting myself in a new and totally uncomfortable way. And that's a change I'm not comfortable with.

Part of learning to be at peace, I beieve, is to be living in the present moment. I'm afraid that has become cliche, but there is truth about being present and then I'm not worried about the future or angry about the past.

Thanks Elle, very insightful.

Kaylana,

I wonder about resistence. I think we are (mostly) more capable than we think to handle difficult things. And this is exemplified when bad things happen that are beyond our control, but we find ourselves rising to the occasion. And if we don't stretch ourselves how will we ever know what we are capable of. And the part of us that is protective is also the sick part of us that doesn't know any better and not the unrealized part of ourselves that has learned something new about our abilites and strength.

What do you think?

"It's a question of facing the pain."
- Aidan Lucas (character in Susan Howatch's novel "Ultimate Prizes").

We use our various addictions to deaden ourselves to pain. I remember in one of Annie Lamott's books she wrote about not wanting to have to feel the feelings that she was having.

For me, that was the hardest thing about quitting cigarettes. I used them not just for fun and a buzz (which is how I started out) but also as a coping mechanism for when I was stressed or unhappy.

Making change also requires that we look at ourselves and see where we are wanting, where we have failed and continue to fail. That *hurts*.

Then actually implementing the changes also can hurt sometimes: physically (exercising, stretching, etc.) and emotionally (it would be so conforting to eat this... or from friends and family "we liked you more when you were plump and jolly and would have chocolate cake with us..).


So, it is when we can face our pains that we will be able to make lasting change.

I hate change! I have never dealt with it very well and when I'm hit with it I have found that I don't recover very well.

I wish I wasn't this way but I am.

Most people don't like change, there is nothing unusual about you Joylorene. But isn't what life is, change. Even if we sat in the same place our whole lives and eat the same thing everyday we would still change. There is no way around it. Why do you think you have a difficult time with change?

I think because my whole life has been a pretty straight road nothing too drastic happens - kinda went as I had planned well then these last 4 yrs I've had major happenings and of course the bad kind (death of my mother & health life threatening issues with my father and they are only in their 60's) and it has just thrown me
I don't know how to deal with it - so of course I turned to food & alcohol and I pretty much cry at the drop of a hat. I feel major guilt and pain and try to suck it up and keep things normal for my family but I'm suffering inside.

So as you can see my "perfect bubble" has been burst and I just can't / don't know how to deal with it and get it over already I think I'm stuck in a emotional hell mode and can't move on to the acceptance stage or any other stage that would be better than this one.

I'm so sorry you're going through a difficult time. And I hate giving people advice because I have no idea what is best for you, only you know how to get yourself to where you want to be. I would say that you (as in everyone) can't hear your inner guidance if you're numbing yourself with food and alcohol. You're probably not going to get to the next stage until you go through the one you're stuck in -- meaning you just have to have the emotions that come up for you. I'm certainly no therapist, so take what I say with a grain of salt. What I do know is truth is that there is nothing wrong with crying. You might need to be doing more of it than you already are. I'm sure you'll get through this. Remember the only guarentee we have is that life will change. You can count on it.

Thank you!

That's great insight as well, Snuz. It's not only weight in my life but clutter and procrastination. It's being stuck in Steven Covey's escapism Quadrant Four--the "Quadrant of Waste". Behind it all for me, is an emotional need to stay isolated. If I have a messy home, I don't have to let friends into the intimacy of my home; if I'm overweight, I narrow the prospects of relationships. There's one friend who can come over, and one man who loves me for my mind and heart, but I'm slamming the door shut on most everyone else.

Then there's the interrelationship of all the the above plus pretty much no spiritual growth. Certainly not a peaceful place.

I hear ya. You seem to be willing to look at yourself. That's great progress, many are not willing to risk what they might uncover. We all have our own unhealthy behaviors, outside of food I'm a recidivist smoker, shopper, etc. So really one person's bad habits are not any better or worse than another's. Don't be so hard on yourself.