if you still have your menses i'd say you're ok.

Like this post. I love your Maintenance section. I'm quite a bit older than most of you; probably old enough to be your Mother. Two years ago I let my weight drop to 91 pounds and everyone was so worried about me. I really looked rough. I have really worked hard on becoming a better eater. I try now to stay between 102- 105 pounds. I'm 5'2", very small boned, and a Granny. You really can become too thin and at any age.

Just thought I'd update you guys... since I started this thread on September 2nd (about 5 1/2 months ago) I've gained roughly 15 pounds. Everyone says I look so much healthier and better, but my mind is having a lot of trouble adjusting to this new body. I know that I was underweight before and now I am more in the normal range, but I'm having a really hard time dealing with it. I'm really confused on how I should feel and sometimes even find myself longing for my thinner days... these last few days have esspecially been a struggle because I went to a wedding and had to buy 2 new outfits because I couldnt fit into any of my clothes. I've gone from a size 0 to a size 6. At the beginning of all this I only wanted to gain 10 pounds... now I'm feeling like a failure =( Not quite sure what to do or think...

C'mon... anyone there for some support or advice?

coco,
you are 5'6", 115 and you wear a size 6?
just making sure that wasn't a type

I've struggled with this, and IMO, the best way to learn to accept yourself at a normal, healthy weight is to start doing things to be proud of. Honestly, did being underweight make you the kind of person other people would consider a good role model? Were your relationships better? Was it a true accomplishment that got you closer to your real dreams, whatever those are? Was it worth the relative insanity, instability and weakness? Do you think anyone around you really cares whether or not you're the skinniest? My answer was a firm "no".

Do some things that get you more "in tune" with your body and teach you to appreciate it for what it does, not whether or not it comforms to the ridiculous heroin-chic standard. Strength train. Do some modest cardio - not penance for eating, just normal 20-minute cardio sessions. Take up a sport or a hobby. Try yoga. Start teaching yourself something you've always wanted to learn, like gardening, cooking, or something else cool.

Generally, you have to replace the eating-disordered mentality before it will go away. It will feel wierd because it'll be a triangle of you, good feelings, and bad feelings. Eventually, the bad feelings will take a leave of absense.

It hope that makes some sense; it's a long journey and that's basically what's made the difference for me.

I heartily agree with everything Kristine said!

Thanks guys. I appreciate the advice, Kristine. I would love to take up more hobbies, but I'm in my last semester of college, so my schedule is pretty full, and pretty routine. The only thing thats different now to me is the way I look in the mirror.

Also, JustaGirl-- I havent changed my stats. I currently weigh about 125 pounds (on a good day).

I just wish I didnt look at older pictures and long for the way I used to look. I have voiced this concern to a few friends and family members with the unanimous response that I will be under close watch NOT to get back that way.
I wish my eyes could see what they do. I wish I could fix my brain!!

It can really take awhile for our brains to stop playing the old "I'm too fat!" fears! In the meantime, while you are waiting for your brain to catch up, you can minimize your distress by doing a few things to shift your focus. Stop looking at those old pictures of yourself, if you only end up feeling worse when you do. In fact, really limit your time looking at your self in the mirror. Also limit (or totally eliminate) looking at magazines, like Shape, etc. that preach a body dissatisfaction message. Also recognize that if you are under a lot of stress, for example from school or whatever, your stress will more than likely manifest itself as negative body thoughts. Weird, but that's the way it works. The more stress you are under, the more likely you are to criticise your body. So, when you start feeling really bad about your body, take that as a clue that you are probably feeling stressed or distressed about something else, and be extra kind to yourself instead of bashing on your body. Also, if you have clothes that no longer fit, because they are sized to fit your less healthy body- get rid of them!!!! Treat yourself to clothes that fit better, and maybe also treat yourself to doing something nice for another area of your body instead, like your nails or hair. Making peace with our bodies is a process that takes time!

Hi Cococarby,
I started making a concentrated serious effort to gain at 112 (5'5 height) to 117. This happened around the holidays, and, with all the food around I lost control a bit. I wound up over 120 (much of it water bloat from eating but still very distressing). I could not handle it and lost weight. At a point I went down to 112 again (but, as with my high weight, much of this was water loss from not eating much at all). Right now I am 115 when my body is holding a "usual" amount of water (not too over or underfed). I'm heavier than I was but thinner than my "highest".

So I am hardly the person to give advice here, since ultimately, I just couldn't stand the way I felt and lost weight.

But if I were to advise someone to do what I think would be the *right* thing...
I would tell you to focus on eating behavior and not size. Be honest, totally and completely honest. Is this weight gain the result of NORMAL eating, or are you over eating/binging? If you are just eating normally, then I would suggest you not lose weight and work on body acceptance. If you were binging or over eating, then I would say it is acceptable to try to lose weight but *don't* go and lose down to your too-thin size because of fear.
The focus of our behavior should be on how we are eating, not what we weigh. The rest takes care of itself.
Make sure you are eating enough calories, your behavior is normal, and you are eating healthy foods that make your body feel good. If you can say you are doing these things, then you are on the right track.

Kristine,
Thank you for this.

Recently (I wrote this in my journal) I have come to the conclusion that I value skinniness above all else. In other words, I would rather be uglier, be perceived as such, feel physically weaker, etc than be heavier. I value thinness so much that objectively undesriable signs of unhealthy skinniness are desirable in my mind (like that feeling of coldness and dead lethargy, or the "pain" of knocking bones too bear). It has nothing to do with body dysphoria, that I don't realize I am skinny now, or that my natural weight is not skinny and I actually look more healthy and attractive heavier. I know I am thin now and I do look better a bit heavier. I just don't care. I want to be skinny, skinny as possible. I can barely stand the body I have now and would love to get to 104 again... or even lower.

I think I value skinniness because I associate "fat" with all these irrational thoughts. I think fat makes me weak, lazy, gluttonous, guilty. Thinness makes me feel stronger, more productive, less wasteful, clean. It makes me feel so so safe. It has so little to do with wanting to be more attractive; if it was about looks at *all* there is no way I would be under 125 lbs because my body just looks worse at those weights.

How do I stop thinking this way about skinniness? I think if I learn to just not associate weight with *everything* in life that is either good or bad I could accept a normal weight and healthy eating patterns.

Does it go away as you do all those self-empowering exercises and thoughts? Or did you have to actively tell yourself that weight was a neutral attribute?

DDaniels-
Thank you. I know you are completely 100% right. A big part of this problem is surrounding myself with people, images, and pictures that promote unhealthy weight. But like I'm said, Im in college and it seems like everywhere I turn I see a waif with a cigarette in one hand and a diet coke in the other. Now I know that there are more "normal" people walking around, but, of course I only seem to notice the stick thin girls...
As for the clothes that don't fit anymore... you hit that on the head. Its probably the WORST part about this. I hate hate that I can't wear my favorite jeans that I've worn practically every day for the last year and a half. And yes, I've gotten new jeans... but I feel like they are my failure pants because they're all I can wear now. Also, after I had maintained my weight for almost 2 years, I gave alot of my larger sized clothes to charity. Ooops...
I really appreciate your post and will fully consider everything you wrote.

ItsTheWoo...

Well here's the deal, it actually started during "interview season." Im graduating in may, and during Fall semester dozens of companies came to campus for interviews. I probably went out on about 20 company dinners by the time all of this was over (it lasted about 3 months). At these events I decided that I didnt want to look like a meek, picky little eater that attracted suspicions. I mean, sometimes when at a restaurant with few carb friendly options, drastically altering my order and avoided certain foods like the plague... i could see why a stranger would suspect I had an eating disorder. And I wouldnt want to hire someone with an eating disorder, would you?? So I decided not to be picky. Every dinner always included dessert... so thats how it kind of began. Once I tasted sweets (my downfall) after 2 years without, all the cravings came back. I was usually really good during the days, but would prbably binge on sweets about twice a week at night. That all stopped about 3 weeks ago.
But I will say that I'd rather be 15 pounds heavier with a job (YAY ME!!) than my old weight and unemployed...

Coco..just a note of encouragement....yes there is such a thing as too thin..this weight business has great mind games attatched to it.....please let someone in real life help you sort them thru...BTW I am in business with 2 incredible women..
powerful, creative and talented successful women...two of us
are working with eating disorders in our personal life....
low carb eating keeps mine at bay..my partner is still searching.
So no having an ED doesnt disqualify us from life...

Coco...I really understand what you are saying about the extra pressures of the college environment. Professionally, I am a counselor working in a college counseling center, and much of my time is spent working with young college women with eating disorders. It can be a very high stress and chaotic environment, where you are surrounded by very unhealthy messages. One of the hardest things in getting over an eating disorder is the feeling that you are going to totally lose control. And, if control = thin, then "out of control" must equal fat. In trying not to look like you had an ED in front of your prospective employers at all those dinners, you found yourself in a place where you felt you HAD to give up your control.(although perhaps you didn't, but I understand why you felt that way.) One of the most important things I emphasis with women who are trying to regain their weight from an eating disorder, is that it is extremely important to regain their weight slowly and in a very controlled and thoughtful way. That way they learn they can be "safe" at this new weight, and they don't need to freak out that the weight gain is now out of their control, like a run away train, and they are just going to keep gaining and gaining and not be able to stop. But, the fine line between healthy control and eating disordered unhealthy control can be tricky and a bit hard to sort through. We want to learn to be mindful of what we eat, but not afraid.

Anyway, I'm sending to you. I have a very soft spot in my heart for college women who are struggling with this issue!

Ddaniels,

I want to deeply thank you for the time you have taken to write me and the encouragement you have given me.

And yes, I do believe the main issue with me (and with all eds) is about control. I have never been anorexic. I grew up with a family that loves eating and cooking, and I love experimenting with new flavors, foods, and recipes. I have always been a good eater. So it was never control in the since of not putting anything into my mouth. Before I came to college I weight around 120. Then the beer, late night pizza, vending machines etc... caused me to go up to about 150. I felt awful because I could not "control" what I was eating. I ate when I wasn't hungry all of the time. I ate while I watched TV and before I knew it, a whole can of Pringles, gone. This was my loss of control.
When I started to eat low carb, I felt in control for the first time again. This way of eating taught me to have 3 balanced meals a day, with healthy snacks in between. I was eating more vegetables and healthy protein than I ever had before. I never ever felt deprived and loved seeing the looks on people's faces as I continued to lose weight while scarfing down bacon, steak, etc.
Then I really got addicted to the control aspect. For example, I had to eat lunch at the exact same time every day. I usually ate the exact same thing every day. For one period of time, I was eating the same turkey wrap and hard boiled eggs everyday for lunch. My eggs had to be chopped a certain way. My wrap needed to be placed a certain way on my plate. And most importantly, I needed to be doing this ALONE. Well that kind of signaled to me that this was going to far. I made on appointment with a counselor at school. I explained to him that food ruled my mind. I was so obbsessive about meal planning and I knew that it was distracting me from more important things in life.
So after that I eased up, a lot. And subsequently feel completely out of control. It seems like my eating is all or nothing. With low carb food, Im fine. But I can never just eat one cookie, or one slice of bread. It sets me off into the "well, ive already blown it" mindset, which leads to binging, which leads to complete loss of control, which leads to self-loathing. Luckily, that hasn't happened in a long time.