Bonnie, I have a tough date coming up too. Jan. 15 would have been 10 years.

Bonnie,

I remember when we were having the same problems, There was an enoumous amount of anger directed at me also... It was my fault the affairs were going on, and the criticism was unbearable, hurtful and totally unfair.. (I won't even go there, still makes me angry to this day!) I finally went to see a counsellor. She told me that he was dumping all that crap on me because he was ridden with guilt, and to try and blame me, relieved his guilt. He blamed me for not making him happy. She told me that I was NOT responsible for making him happy... We are all responsible for ourselves.
There were so many other things that I learned from this women, I knew she was right, and that was what gave me the strenght to leave.

From what you have said, I believe you know what is best for you. Just don't let any of the crap he is trying to feed you, hurt you.. he is lashing out at you in anger, because he feels and knows he is an ass for what he has been doing...but he won't admit it. He knows he is wrong, but won't admit that either...SO he is trying to make you the villan. You sweetie are NOT!

Colleen,

Just wondering if you have had any contact with him since you left...
How about your kids? Want you to know I am thinking of you and praying for you too. Susan

I call my kids a lot, and they both have their own email addresses, so I have been trading emails with them. I have talked to the soon-to-be-ex a couple times, plus sent some email, mostly about business details of the divorce. I shouldn't believe all the bad things he has said about me. I guess it relieves his guilt to dump on me. I haven't gained any weight through this. I bought a pair of dress pants for job interviews, whenever they happen, and they are....drum roll please....size 8. So I guess I'm not fat anymore.

Colleen I know what you are talking about...I now wear size 6 but it is a very hard way to loose weight...hon ...all men who have affairs will try to lay the blame on you to releive thier guilt...mine tried to claim I was bi-polar of all things in counselling until the counsellor set him straight that I exuded none of those traits...I think he was thinking down the road if we had to go to court it might be a weapon to use against me...be careful what you say in emails as again they can use them in court if it goes that far....I know the rest of January will be tough for both of us but be strong and we can get through this Bonnie

Today my son told me that Dad has a girlfriend that he goes and sees. That would explain why he was so against counseling. The marriage is still over, but still, it hurts knowing that he has another woman.

I wonder if I cry too much and if something is wrong with me. Then I think maybe not. Maybe this is all normal at this time. He asked for a divorce just a month ago. It caught me by surprise, and sometimes I think I am still in shock. I wonder why I am here in Oregon with my sister and want to go home. Then I remember that Texas is not home anymore. I am getting a divorce and that old life is over.

I always appreciate any comments or insight that anybody has.

One thing that is going right is my weight. I eat more carbs now, so maybe I weigh more, but I wear a size 8. Someone called me petite, so I'm pretty sure I'm not fat anymore. Last time I weighed, I was in the 140's somewhere. I am slowly getting smaller. I may end up being a size 6, like I was in high school. Anybody want to date me? (Ha Ha) I actually look pretty good, according to my sister.

Hello Colleen,

I'm glad to see you are still with us on this thread. You know, what you said about crying all the time is correct. We as humans need to grieve. Losing someone is losing someone. It's like a death. Also losing someone, hurts especially hard when they are lost to someone else by their choice. Rejection is devistating!!! I went through it!!! Unbelievably painful!! .......BUT....... The best way to get over it, is to eventually get out there and start your life new...with someone new.... It works....not easy to get going...but it works! Then you will look back on this time and be glad to have had the chance to start over. My daughter has been going through this in the last few months. Her boyfriend of 4 years just left her 2 months ago ...moved to California...expected her to join him... or so we all thought... She just stopped crying a few weeks ago....and it was mostly because she realized that a lot of other young men are interested in her! She is getting on with her life now, and dating 2 different guys at the moment. Says she is not interested in any stady relationship right now...just enjoying being free to enjoy who she is. Perhaps in time this will be you. I know you will feel better.
About your children, well that is a different story. Do you want them to be with you? or do you feel it is better if they are with him. I realize your life is a lot more complicated than my daughters, but what I'm trying to say, is that with time you will beable to start over. So for now cry all you need to, because you need to. It's OK. Crying is medicinal, we are naturally geared to do this when we are hurting. But it is also a good idea to get out and start putting yourself back together, and go places where there are possibilities of meeting other people! You may be surprised.
"Keep Your socks up" .....Susan

I too have found that I am eating more but still losing...guess our metabloism is likened to a hummingbird now running on nerves....today is my 51st birthday and 30th anniversary and yes it is a hard day to get through but I am heading out tomorrow with friends to my place in Florida for some R&R...am looking forward to having some fun for a change...take O'Sus advice ..don't dwell on him think of yourself...Bonnie

Bonnie,
Happy Birthday. Have a great time on R&R.

hugs,
Joan

Hello! Boy, was I happy to see this thread! I met my husband in May of 2001, got married in july of 2002, got pregnant in April of 2003, and then he left me in September of 2003.....after a little over a year of marriage and me 6 months pregnant (a "planned" oregnancy by the way)

He never really gave me any reaosns other than he "wasn't happy", "marriage wasn't what he thought it would be", and he "wasn't IN love with me". He left the day after he broke the news to me. I was in total shock. I called my mom after he left and she dorve 4 hours to come stay with me. I don't know how I would have gotten through those months without the support of my family. I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl on dec.13th, and have occasional phone contact with my "ex". He has the audacity to ask for joint custody, and has no clue what an infant requires (especially a breast-fed one). So, here i am a brand new mom, 35 years old, staying with my parents because I can't afford to keep my house while on materity leave, paying off bills he racked up during the past year, and battling mild depression. The nurse/counsellor told me that the combination of my situation and the birth caused a type of post-traumatic-stress along with the post-partum moodiness. I get through every day, but every now and then I am reminded how he torpedoed my life's plans and then skated away. Of ocurse, the lawyer will be delaing with that part...I am not required to allow any access to the baby unless there's a custody agreement or he has signed over his rights to me. And his personality scaresme because he would likely run with her and in this province if there's no custody order then the parent who has physical possession of the child has legal custody. If he ran off with her i couldn't call the police; I'd have to sue him for custody! Lots of craziness to deal with.

It sounds like you guys (bonnie and colleen) have really worked through some of the hard stuff. Good to know that sitting in teh dark, watching teh christmas tree lights and crying with a new baby in my arms is not just me losing my grip... thanks.

Colleen, don't sell yourself short. You have a lot to offer. You have gone through this weight-loss journey which proves how strong you are. Just because your husband doesn't appreciate who you are doesn't mean other men won't. It's his loss. Truly.

I have always had a hard time adapting to big changes, and that's part of what's making this so hard, I think. There's my father's death, the divorce, my move out of state, changed finances -- from being a stay-at-home mom to looking for work. And I guess my self-esteem took a beating. I still cry some every day, and I wish that would stop.

I am so thankful for everyone who posts here. It is gratifying for me to see the kindness of total strangers, people who I will never meet, who take the time to post something nice here. It means a lot to me.

Hi, I am sorry to hear about your pain. I know what you are going through - after 10 years of marriage my husband had an affiar - I thought I would die. I left him, and then my dad died as well. But God is there for us, and my favorite saying is that "he brought you to it and will carry you through it".

I am much happier now, even as a single parent. I decided to take the time to really discover who I am, hwat I wanted out of life and what is acceptable. I hadn't realized until about a year after it all happened that I was miserable in my "happy" marriage for a long time.

I'm not saying it's an easy road, it isn't, it is hard as hell, it hurts and sometimes it is a day at a time kind of thing - but you will get to a place where you will be happy again - give yourself time to grieve your losses and take care of YOU.

Biggest thing I had to do was learn to like myself again. Kind of a reinvention of what I really was at one time, mixed with emotions from the recent past. When there are kids involved, the hurt never goes away. Even today, I think about things I could have done differently or tried to do in order to save the marriage. When my X wanted to move back with me, I had already made up my mind not to take her back, she was a nut case and no matter what I could not live with her. I ate plenty of crow over the years while she yelled at me with four letter words in front of my children, I never responded. Didn't take long before the youngest moved in with me for good, the oldest had such a guilt trip laid on him he stayed with her. All I can say is the adult spouse will soon be forgotten, so do what is best for your children, they will be yours forever.