I am now at what was supposed to be my goal weight. I have finally reached 150 lbs, and occasionally a couple lbs below my goal. However, this is not the end of my journey, or my addictions..let alone the horrible self image I have. I am still not happy or comfortable with how I look, and I still have not conquered my food demons. I try daily, every day is the day that I wont slip again. Physically, I still hide my body as much as I ever did and hate how I look, droopy saggy apron of skin in my ab area.

I have worked all my adult life to like myself, like how I look, and be what I consider normal. I have basically held my weight loss, and the end of last year saw me finally reach this goal. But, I am left with the battlescars of having been over weight, horrible amounts of left over skin, misplaced fat, as well as multiple incisions in the ab area from previous surgeries, these incisions making losing the lbs in the ab area impossible. I am small everywhere else except there. I am also misshapen and uneven due to old drainage holes made from surgeries.

I have finally decided to have surgery to fix two issues. I have muscle separation and ab wall "failure" due to the compromise of my abdominal area from cancer surgeries, c-sections, and a hysterectomy surgery. It causes a great deal of pain, and also my ab area is literally slipping lower and lower as the muscles pull away more. I have opted to finally get that repaired, and at the same time have a tummy tuck done. The tuck is pretty much standard during this procedure as all the old scar tissue, and incisions will be cut away.The dr will place medical mesh in the ab area to attach the muscles and make it strong again. Everything will be attached to this mesh and then tightened, old scar tissue, left over skin ( I have at least 7-8 lbs of it), and some fat along with my belly button, will be cut away and I will be left with one incision across the area instead of the 3 I have now, as well as all the other issues.

It has taken a great deal of time and courage for me to get this far and to go ahead and find a dr that will do the reconstruction to my ab area. They are worried about prolapse, and worse, intestines becoming strangled which can be life threatening. So, I am scheduled to see the dr on Feb 14th, a full hour consult about what the surgery will entail, then schedule the actual event. I am hoping to have the surgeries done in March. I thought that having this surgery done, to finally get rid of all the old scars of illness and then the weight loss, would make me accept this new "thinner" person. The tummy tuck they are doing is surely going to make me into someone that i dont recognize. What will I feel? How will I look at myself. Will I ever be happy with who looks back at me in the mirror? I am now the weight of my skinny husband, yet I still consider myself fat and him slim. How can this be?

When I get all these things finished will I still hide my body and be disgusted with myself, abuse myself by gorging food and then crash dieting so not to gain weight? Will I see myself and feel love and respect towards this "new" body I have made thru hard work weight loss, and then the ultimate commitment of surgery? I lost all this weight on my own, no weight loss surgery.

I had hoped that Atkins would totally kill my old eating addictions. It worked for the longest time. Then a strange thing happened. After being almost 250 lbs, of thinking I would be happy in life if I could only lose the weight and suddenly would love myself forever, I lost my weight and still hated myself. Its made me feel I have more buried inside of me than just the weight issues.

Can a person truly ever be happy with themselves and the positive changes they have made? I have read every self help book and food addiction book, diet book, etc. Yet, after following these things, I have yet learned how to love myself. I put up with myself, I do not care about myself, and am not proud of myself either for my achievement in weight loss. I have accomplished what most women I know never ever could or will, lost 93 lbs and kept it off. Without any medical help..So, why is it less of an accomplishment for me, why do I see the magazines in the check out where headlines exclaim, "She lost half her size" and say wish that was me, or envy them? I've done the same, twice now. HELLO, note to self, look at ME.

Yet, I see those magazines or people on tv and see truly beautiful and amazing people. Not what I see in myself. If I could have learned on thing during this entire process I wish it had been self love, it never ever came. I tried, but just couldn't. I wish someone had taken me aside and said you know you really wont be happy just by losing all this weight, that isn't the answer. I have walked away thinner, but not a "bigger" person at the end of this journey.

I have survived being obese, years of cancer, quit smoking, and then a broken neck with multiple surgeries. I am made of strong stuff, yet each time, each obstacle, honestly didn't mean anything. I never gained the emotional connection with myself and pride that I should. These were all just issues that I had to get my body thru, we still (my body and I) are not connected whatsoever.

Anyone just beginning this journey, regardless of which method of weight loss, I wish you to take one thing away from my journey..from someone that is supposed to now be "basking" in the after glow of results and the new life that this weight loss should bring..study yourself. It doesn't have to be a touchy feely new age meditation, or counseling, but learn about you along the way. As the weight comes off it can bring self confidence, but it doesn't always.

You can not count on how you LOOK to change how you FEEL about yourself. I wasn't expecting this fact to present itself. I may be blabbing, it may not happen to everyone, but I figure there has to be someone else here on this board that will go thru the same thing I have. I don't want you to reach your goal and still have despair when you look at yourself because you are wonderful and you are worth it.

I hope you can gain self esteem as your journey continues because if not you will be like me..reach your goal and then those negative self images take a toll and the pounds and bad habits come back. With each pound, each inch you lose, I pray that you gain experience and self love..a sense that you can do anything and are worth it no matter how many times it takes. I wish I had, and I am still working on that.

Thanks for sharing.

Even though i have not had surgery i have gone beyond my weight loss goal and i am still unhappy with the way i look. I have an awful stomach and stretch marks from being pregnant, my stomach makes me feel sick, i avoid looking at it where possible.
I spend 9 hours a week in the gym in the pursuit of getting myself to a point where I like myself. I doubt this will ever happen or that I will ever be happy with my body. No matter how many times people tell me I have done well and I look great i can never quite believe it myself. Im ok with clothes on, its my armour. But naked and alone is a different thing altogether.
I just wanted to say that you are not alone on this one, im sure theres lots of others feeling the same too.
big hugs xxxx

Thank you so much. I have never had a time in my entire life I have been comfortable with myself baked. There has been only a couple times I even remember looking at myself with clothes on and feeling wow look at me.

I know this feeling of not "liking" oneself even thin. I just made a post about body image issues today and now that i found this forum I realize I posted it in the wrong place (i posted in general)

I just wanted to tell you that if you have all these things corrected and you still see yourself as "fat" You are definitely not alone so thank you for sharing.

I am sending you the biggest mental hug possible. Thank you for your honesty and for sharing this.
Good luck and fast healing wishes for your surgery. I hope you find your happy place.

I think there is a lot of pressure to "love yourself" and I think that as overweight people we struggle with that o our whole lives. I'm just trying to be proud of myself for losing weight. I'm proud of my body because I had 2 c-sections and have two lovely daughters, I'm proud of my body because it is smaller and now easier to dress stylishly. I have stalled a bit but haven't given up.

I think you have a lot to proud of! I hope the tummy tuck clears up some issues but you can be already be really proud of your body for the journey you've taken.

Thank you for sharing your story. You are a very strong person to have survived all you have and to have done the hard work of losing weight as well.

You also said an extremely wise thing:
"You can not count on how you look to change how you feel about yourself".
While looking better can help to improve self image, it is the negative messages we send to ourselves that seem to have the most power. Could you make an empowering list of all that is wonderful about you and read it (and add to it!) every day? It could help to break up the negatives. They aren't YOU.