Researchers confirmed today that eating meat, or being on a low carbohydrate diet is consistent with a 100% mortality rate. "It's a fact," said Dr. Dean Onerish, a noted expert, "everyone who eats a low carbohydrate, high-fat, meat-based diet has either died, or will die someday."

News reverberated as the study, which took several hours to complete, was released by doctors from the PCRM, the Physicians Committee for Responsible Medication. "Man," said Joe Keen, an Iowa man who had previously been eating a diet of meats and vegetables, "I guess I'll have to start having some pasta now and then. I ate a cinammon roll already."

"I hope it's not too late," Keen's wife, Sarah said. "I've already cracked a can of biscuits, and we're hoping for the best."

PCRM lead physician Neal D. Barnyard, M.D. said that the fatty diet was deadly to everyone on it. "If you eat meat, or even cheese, you are going to die. It's not even a question of if, it's a question of when."

"This isn't surprising," Onerish added. "We've known for a long time that meat is a deadly substance. Can you even think of one person from 200 years ago who ate meat of any kind who's still alive today? Is that an accident? I never thought so, but the PCRM research confirms it. However, I do think if you eat at McDonald's, you can lengthen your life even if you do choose to eat meat. It's just that you'll eventually die."

Onerish continued to say that the 100% mortality rate is more pronounced with low-carbohydrate, high protein diets such as the Atkins diet or the South Beach diet. "Look at Bob Atkins. He invented this diet, and he's dead already, and that's a tragedy."

New York City Mayor Michael Boomberg, from a fire department lounge, echoed the sentiments. "Atkins was a huge fat blob and his diet has already killed millions. I knew it! What an ass, I...wait, is that thing on?"

Barnyard commented that while eating meat has been deemed fatal 100% of the time, that it wasn't too late. "If you eat only plant matter, there aren't any equivalent studies. I know some vegetarians die, but certainly we cannot say that all of them do."