I blew it today... big time...

As some of you may have read in my posts in other areas, I've been suffering with depression for a long time. About a month ago I finally got my insurance company to cover medical treatment for it. So, very excited that I was finally getting the help I needed, I quit smoking. I saw how it was linked to my depression (get into depressive episode = eat comfort foods + chain smoke... not healthy, I know, but that's how I delt with it) I figured since help was on the way, I could handle not smoking. Or, so I thought...

Today was my appointment. I got up bright and early to get ready, trekked over to the drs office, walked up to the counter and said "Hi. I have an appointment with Dr. [whatever her name was] at 11". Was met with the response of "That Dr. is off this week" Hmm.. interesting. They searched for me in the computer and couldn't find any record of my appointment. After a 20 minute discussion, they tried to find me a new appointment... and offered me one three weeks from now. I felt myself on the verge of tears. I felt like the rug had been pulled out from under me. "I can't wait that long" I told them. They didn't seem to care. I got treated as if I was making it up that I had a problem and I could wait 3 weeks for help for my fictitous problem. The receptionist actually looked at my record (once they found it!) and said "Oh, you're only coming in for depression". ONLY?!

So, I guess I had a little bit of a nervous breakdown in the parking lot. Maybe it sounds silly to get that upset over someone's clerical error, but it just felt so unfair! If I had a broken arm, they wouldn't have made me wait for treatment... and being that I've had both depression and a broken arm in my lifetime, I can guarantee depression is much harder to live with. So, I sat in my car and bawled. Seems silly to admit that now, but after waiting so long and being so happy that I was finally getting help... there was just nothing more I could do at that point.

Shortly thereafter, I get a call from my mother. It seems that my little boy (read: cat) was being rushed to the hospital because he couldn't breathe. I have a very strong attachment to that cat since I got him at 1 week old and had to bottle feed him round the clock for the first few weeks of his life. He was born with aortic stenosis, so I knew he wouldn't live a full life span, but I was told 9 or 10 years. So here he is, six years old and in heart failure. Over the next few hours calls went back and forth between my mother and I... cat's condition worsening... on nitroglycerine... on oxygen mask... fluid in his lungs... can stay off oxygen and breathe on his own for 15 minutes... nope now only 2 minutes... he's not going to make it to 7:30, you better get down here... too late, he's gone.

I couldn't take it anymore. I spent the next few hours like a zombie on my couch with a bag of cheetos and a pack of cigarettes to chain smoke. Back to my old habits. Bad habits. Habits I need to leave behind. Add to that a lecture from my BF about going back to my old habits, and I was just ready to scream.

I tell you this not because I'm looking for sympathy (although, if you reply, please don't be too rough on me either.. it's been a bad day!) but because I'm wondering if any of you have gone through this kind of ridiculous stress while you were trying to quit/stay on low carb... and if you did, how did you pull through and stay on the wagon? I think I just need a kick in the butt to get back to it, but it almost seems like its more of a hassle than its worth right now to watch my carbs and kick the habit. Been smoking pretty consistently since my couch surfing a few hours ago. It feels oddly comforting because that's what I've always done when the excrement hit the air conditioning, but I know I shouldn't be doing this.

Please don't think me a whiner or that I'm looking for an excuse to give up... I'm really just looking for hope on how to get through this and still quit smoking.

It literally may be that quitting smoking and acclamating yourself to a LC WOL at the same time maybe too much. You may need to work on one of these things first smoking OR LC and then add the other later down the road. I have a friend who tried to quit smoking and the emotional whiirlwind that she went through was no joke. In terms of if I have experienced using food to stuff my feelings? HELL YES. But I always feel terrible, not to mention bloated afterwards. A few things to remember: 1)whatever hard time you are going through in your life will disappear or get better. 2) You don't have to have an answer or reaction to a life situation right away. Letting myself breathe through issues instead of stuffing them down with food is extremely helpful.

Lady

You poor thing. I'm so sorry to hear about your cat. It can be so, so hard to lose a pet.

Look, I can't offer any good advice, because I'm on again and off again with multiple addictions - cigarettes, alcohol and food. To be honest - they are all part of the same thing and for me, tackling them all at the same time always yields the best results. If I drink, I smoke and then I eat. If I smoke, I think drink should go with that. If I'm eating garbage, I think I may as well drink and smoke.

I've done it all in so many different combinations and the only time I ever had any success was when I made a COMPLETE AND TOTAL holistic commitment to my health and eliminated everything that was bad and added in all the good things like yoga, going to mass, aerobics, vitamins. It's a little obsessive, but it works for me.

And they way I have resisted temptation in the past when stressed (although, I am more likely to smoke when socialising or happy) is to stop long enough to ask myself if the cigarette would really redue stress or just reawaken my physical addiction to nicotine? I had given up cigarettes for a long time once (about 2 months) and said - eh - just the one and that slowly built up until Iwas smoking almost my regular amount again. And so I had to quit again. This time, though, I had a failed quit under my belt, so I started with the attitude that I might fail, so it became harder.

If you have quit, stay quit. Don't smoke the first. Try to disassociate your true self with the voice in your head telling you to smoke (you addicted voice). This little monster only wants it's fix. You want something better for yourself.

I hope the stress in your life eases and that you are able to find freedom from cigarettes. Please pray that I find the same!

First, so sorry about your cat. Losing a pet can be a devastating experience and I feel for you. But you gave that cat a wonderful life and you spent 6 glorious, loving years together... that will always be with you in your heart.

Second, you can do LC and quit smoking at the same time. The key is NOT FEELING DEPRIVED. Of nicotine or of sugar. If you quit, you aren't deprived of nicotine -- you're FREE of the addiction. If you LC you aren't deprived of sugar, you're free of its nasty effects. You deserve it. You deserve to be healthy and joyful and free. You deserve to spend all that money you currently spend on cigs... spend it on special treats for the slimmer, healthier, happier you. Clothes, shoes, spa treatments, holidays (and just think you can be in a plane for 3 hours without the frustration of needing a cig!). Pick whatever works for you and enjoy it. I bought 4 bags in the last 2 weeks. And 2 pairs of shoes. I had all this extra money that I'd saved since I quit and they were so very pretty... And I'm worth it!

You're worth it, too. There are things in life that are so much better than nicotine or sugar (and their associated effects)!

Dear Lady,

First I would like to say I'm sorry for the hardships you endured that day (and everyday) with depression. I was diagnosed with depression when I was a junior in highschool, so I know your struggles. I would like to sugguest you find yourself a new dr. and clinic. Anyone who works in the medical field, and treats a patient in such a manner, would probably be better suited as waitstaff at TGI Fridays. That is not how you should have been treated, nor was it professional or safe. Please seek out another doctor. The sooner treatment is administered, the better. On that note, I would like to add that when I started eating low carb, I slowely watched my depression fade away. I'm not certain how.... but the two are DEFINATLY interconnected... once you start eating healthier, you feel happier... it's the way your body rewards you when you reward it.

As for your darling cat, I'm so sorry. I too have gone through something similar with my cat, who was diagnosed with absessed teeth, and was slowely starving to death... Please just remeber that your kitty is in a place now where he can munch on catnip all day, and lounge in the eternal sunshine.

I think trying to conquer all your demons at the same is too much for you right now. Instead of trying to balance a tray in each hand, and one on your head... do it little by little. Slowely start cutting back on junk food... eat healthier, feel healthier... as soon as you feel this health high, it only seems natural that your body will want to stop smoking. Good luck with your endevors... your new, healthy, happy life awaits you, and we're all here to support you.

Losing a pet is devastating and I feel for you. All that can happen now is remembering the good times.

You can do Low Carb and you can quit smoking - you have failed at nothing - you have had a set back from an over emotional period in your life and found your old friends for comfort.

Now recognize you have other friends -you have this forum for comfort and advise, you have a healthy body craving for you to just get back on track, you are a good person that has made marvelous gains - take them back by getting back on track.

The doc thing was a set back but you can make it - your a good person and you are worth it. Give it a shot and discard those things that are not making you happy - fill the void with some exercise and reach out for the support.

Hope you can make the good transition back to what made you feel so good

Thank you all for your help. It's been a rough handfull of days...

It seems that calling the clinic twice a day and annoying the hell of out them has finally done the trick. They got a cancellation on the 16th and fit me in. Unfortunately, I can't go to another clinic (although I want to since the way they treated me was completely uncalled for) because this is the only mental health place that my insurance company deals with. On the up side, my job is considering switching health plans, so I may get to deal with someone else in the future... here's hoping.

I think what pushed me over the edge was being treated like my problem didn't really matter. Depression is really debilitating and for someone (especially someone who works for a mental health clinic!) to act as if I was imagining my "problem" was just crushing. Add to that that a cat that had been more like a child to me than a pet was dying and here I am 1200 miles away and couldn't be there for him... it was just kicking me while I was down.

I haven't been able to get myself back in gear yet, but my plan is to get back on the wagon on the 20th... start fresh. At that point, I'll have had my appointment, been to my sister's and bf's birthdays (both on the 18th) and am starting on a day when I have work to occupy me, instead of on a weekend when I have too much free time... and I tend to eat/smoke when I'm bored.

I can do this... I know I can (Of course, I say that more to convince myself than to convince all of you ), but I figure it's better for me to start once I've gotten the doc's help. I'm hoping it might be that much less of a struggle.

And this is the little boy I've been talking about. He was a 26lb maine coon named Mayhem.

Ooooooohhh! What a beea-uutiful sweatheart. I am so sorry for your loss. It's not easy. I know, I've lost 3 to various things. Good luck to you on this WOE.