Being fat sucks.
I have been overweight since I was 13 years old. I am the first born, the good child-never drank, never smoke, never even wanted/thought of doing any drugs. I got straight As. I was always everyones friend. no one ever wanted to date me. Everyone thought I was nice and happy all the time. I never wore anything nice b/c frankly I didnt think I was worth the $20 shirt. Even today, I dont buy myself nice things b/c I figure I look like a blimp so Ill wear target and Kmart and walmart stuf until I can fit into a size 14. Happy gal-that was me.
Meanwhile, I was dying inside. I was/am so embarrased. I am always the fattest person everywhere we go. I HATE feeling like a failure. I HATE feeling like Im going to die b/c Im so fat. I HATE feeling inadequate around thinner poeple.
I remember waiting in line one hour for a roller coaster to get on and not be able to fit into the seat. So, I had to walk off and listen to people snicker.
I remember the rude comments poeple would make to me.
I got my PhD in Pharmacology and Toxicology and I run a lab. Im very confident in my abilities, yet sometimes I hold back (Science wise). I still feel like Im not good enough, even though I know I do a great job. I feel like everyone is always looking at me wondering how I am so fat.
I dont go out much b/ cIm sick of being the fattest person everywhere I go and not being able to eat Frenhc fries, cake, etc that every one of myf riends eats constantly (yes, my 100 lbs friends)!
Im embarrased that I got to 262 and then decided to eat crap again and now Im up to 271. I feel like a failure...AGAIN. So, what do I do? Keep eating until I balloon up to 310 and cry and worry again. Im well on my way. Why? Who the heck knows!
OK-sorry for a negative post. ITs good to get out what I feel.
Im trying my dangest to do well for me, for my son and for my health. Im trying. Just once I wish I could feel GOOD --truly good-about me.
Have a great night. It feels good to get some of this out.
Vicki