Ruralgurl

Glad to see someone else that likes storypeople. I have one in my house and just sent a framed storypeople to a friend. They touch my heart.

Susan

I was 10. It was mother's day weekend, and even though my gradfather had custody of my sister and I, we were staying at mother's place with her boyfriend for the weekend. I knew it was wrong, and I tried to say no... I don't even really remember how far he went that night, but it wasn't the first time, and he never really stopped. And even though I knew it was wrong, what he did to my blossoming woman's body felt physically good. It got harder to say no. I know that he had no right ot do what he did, and that none of it was my fault (especially the times that he really did force himself on me, when it was rape by any definition of the word). Finally, when I was 13, he was arrested for what he'd done...to me and to my younger sister. He's in prison, now, but I still struggle with the after-shocks. I see someone who looks even remotely like him, and I'm terrified. I hate going to the OB/GYN's office because of the traumatising visit I had as a result of the abuse. It really screwed up my view of myself; I honestly thought it was my fault; after all, sex felt good, and I must be an awful person to think it felt good. I still struggle.

I think all my life, I've stuggled to be loved, really loved and accepted, adn I've found that acceptance in food. The more I ate, the more I could believe that I was inherently unlovable...the more easily I could explain the physical and emotional abuse heaped on me by my own mother (even my mother didn't love me...how unlovable is that?) and the sexual abuse of my step father, and the feeling I always had of being on the outside of everything. I've learned that there was nothing wrong with me that my mother is unable to love me (and please, I know you might mean well to tell me she does, but I know she doesn't know how to love, not really, and can't love me...it's her problem, not my fault, but please don't try to tell me otherwise). It's absolutely not my fault that my mother chose men as partners who chose to prey on weak and vulnerable children. It's not my fault he did what he did. Heck, if I had done a nude lap dance for him (and I didn't), it still wouldn't excuse him or make it right or my fault. He was supposed to be the adult.

I think sorting these things out as young as I have mean that maybe I can have more success overcoming them in my life. It's why I'm waiting to have kids. And knowing that my husband accepts me no matter what means I no longer have to find that acceptance from food. I no longer have to create a sheild between me and everyone else. I am a stronger person for all that's happened in my life, and from where I stand now, shame on me if I let something inanimate, like food, stand between me and real victory, real happiness, real health. I won't let my past do it;I'm sure as heck not gonna let food do it.

You know, this is sort of a revelation for me... I'm not sure that before to day I'd ever given real serious consideration to the role food played in my life. Now that I know, maybe I'll grow.

hjackson, hello.
I do understand where you are coming from and I will pray for you.
Isn't it amazing some of the awful things human beings can do to an innocent victim and change that persons entire life....if we let them change it. I, personally, have decided that I am stronger now and wiser now and also, I am able to think as an adult, not the 5 year old child who was being molested by my great-uncle!

What he did was wrong and he is having to pay for that when he stands before my God and God says to him, "What did you do to MY daughter.........you were supposed to help protect those children! You have sinned against the children and you have sinned against ME!"

Your step-father will be at the hands of other prisoners and he may well learn what rape really does to a person when he is around the men who have been locked up for a very long time and, when they learn why he is in there, he becomes 'fair game' .

What goes around, comes around......................I just want to get on with my life now. I believe that you do too.

I would never try to tell you that your mother really loved you. You would know about that better than I would. Actually, even if she did love you and never let you know that, the end results are the same!! You grow up feeling unloved. Some people can't show love and some people can't feel love. I don't understand how that can happen but I know that it does.

Just realize, down deep in your heart, that it had nothing to do with who or what you were or what you did or what was done to you. It had to do with her. She failed you as a mother. I hope someday that you can forgive her....not forget, I know that takes a miracle but God is still in the miracle business.

I started doing productive things to make myself feel more normal. I began by helping others that needed help in different ways. Some had been burned out of their homes and needed help, others were people who needed a leg up because they had been living in a dump truck bed for several months and they had several young children. Etc. etc.

I began to study art and then teaching art and donating my artwork to charities to auction for special needs etc. I still teach and donate and have made many wonderful friends. I have come to realize that I am "alright" and I can be helpful to society. I am a 'useful' person and if you could feel the 'love' that I feel from my students and their families and the different charities that I have helped, you would know that life is really good.

I am still fighting the food problem but I am on the road to recovery, and to quote Martha Stewert, "That's a good thing."

Bless you,
Myrtih

God has done wonderful things for me. I can forgive my mother for not knowing how to be the "Mommy" I need and deserve/ God gave me another family, my "adoptive" family. I was never officially adopted, never placed with them in a way that was really legally permanent, but I still call them my adoptive family. I moved with them after high school from VA, I call them Mom and Dad, their daughters my sisters, their grandkids my neices and nephew. They paid for my wedding and honeymoon. When their parents died this year, and I went to the funerals, I was introduced simply as "the middle daughter" or their "other daughter". Their families count me family and welcome me into their homes. They've patiently taught me what real love looks like, what real families are, and that, as a precious loved child of my Father in heaven, I really do have worth. They are everything that God knew I would need, and I can see how God sent them to bring me home to him.

If there's anything I have to forgive my mother for, it's the ongoing emotional abuse and manipulation of her family. She has 3 daughters, and the youngest is that 12 year old in my picture. She's messed my sisters up so bad. My sister Jennifer doesn't somehow realise how messed up everything is, and my mother won't let the 12 year old alone (she's been placed in a fantastic foster home) to let her heal and grow up the way she needs to. I could go on, but the more I describe her, the less I want to talk about her. That's where I struggle. Yet I know that God has awesome things for me, awesome things for my whole family.

Hjackson and Myrith,

What an awful thing for a woman to have to grow up with and endure.

These are really hard issues to deal with, but I think acknowledging the past and realizing that it is not your fault is a huge step. Until you get that figured out, you do these strange things to punish yourself...(food being one of many).

But, now you both sound like you feel a lot more in control of your destiny...and your life.

It is good to know that in humanity, people can endure horrible things and still come out of them stronger. I think you are both doing that!

Shelly