What nice responses!!! I figured someone would blast me for the plastic surgery. I STILL think of it as reconstructive. Maybe that is a giant rationalization (I love the line from the movie the Big Chill. "Don't knock rationalizations. I defy anyone to make it through the day without one.")

I know that I talk about my age a lot. That is because I love being 48. In so many ways it is like I am finally understanding so many elements of life....and realizing that I will continue to grow forever. Parts of us are always like the children I teach. We are still curious, excited, impulsive, expressive 7 year olds just trying to get the most out of life. Well, up until the age of 45 I didn't like myself. I'm not just saying that...I really was a big old disappointment to myself. In so many ways I felt like I had lived a compromise my whole life. I couldn't have/be/experience what I really wanted but had just learned to make do with the hand I was given. I used substances to numb the pain enough to temporarily be able to pretend to be happy with life.

That changed when I got off of carbohydrates. I began to heal and learn when I became sober. I am still recovering and learning!!!

I no longer feel like a victim of circumstance. I'm not the loser in the race or the bridesmaid anymore. I am active in reaching for what *I* want and not pursuing what I think will make me acceptable to others. Biggest of all was recognizing that I kept getting in my own way because I disapproved of my true desire to be attractive and live in a thin body. I kept trying to shove that desire down since I deemed it insubstantial and narcissistic. Finally I decided what the hell if it is insubstantial and narcissistic--it is there and it obviously isn't going away. In fact trying to ignore it or suppress it screws me up.

Now I enjoy acknowledging my desire to live the princess life. It doesn't hurt others. It isn't what I'm completely about. And it gives me joy in the moment and increases my quality of life.

Yesterday I drove my good friend to her radiation treatment for breast cancer (treatment place is 90 miles away). She has caused me to do some research. She had practically none of the risk factors to have breast cancer...yet she has it. She is 50. The numbers of women with breast cancer rise so dramatically with age. She is going to be fine...she discovered it early. But it is just one more of those Rosanne Rosanna-danna elements...."There is always something." We don't need to live in a doom filled world expecting dread just around the corner. But we really do need to enjoy ourselves while we are on the planet. We do need to give to others---but we can do that so much better when we have taken care of ourselves along the way.

So yeah, I am gonna have one more procedure. I don't expect to have anymore. I am not seeking perfection. That is obvious since I have opted for surgeries that leave BIG scars. I am a "character" so I enjoy having my own look. (Currently my fluorescent red hair has streaks of blond and PINK streaks in it.) But, I've never had a good profile. I've always had a double chin---okay now it isn't a chin, just a bundle of skin. I'm not a rich woman by any means, but I have a terrific lender with FABULOUS interest rates (my wonderful man) so I'm going for it.
Sara<><
Sandy wrote: Really?? honestly?? hmm am I the only obsessed with how my butt looks in this and how my butt looks in that, I gaze at my butt in the mirror for ages before each bath / shower checking it out

Girl, I guess I was so busy looking at that incredible Budda belly that I couldn't see around it to check out my a$$. Now it has been lifted enough to be seen in my bathroom mirror---I think it must have been dragging down below the counter before.

Princess Sara,

Just wanted to let you know that you continue to inspire me....and that I so enjoy reading your posts. You are absolutely not becoming a plastic surgery "junkie" - you are simply following your desire to finish what losing the pounds couldn't and make yourself more comfortable in your body. That is to be celebrated! I'm so very happy for you that you are able to do this.....hang on to that wonderful man of yours!

Have a great day!

Princess Sara,

I also want you to know that you are an inspiration to me. Reading your posts gives me that extra something to know that I can do this and I AM doing this. I always intentionally set my goals at a high weight because deep down inside I didn't think I could actually achieve them. Well I'm twenty pounds from the first realistic goal I set for myself and I'm thinking I'm actually going to end up below it I don't know what my skin will look like when I'm done and on maintenance but I'll cross that bridge when I get to it...so far so good. Thanks for being there for all of us!

Princess Raven
(legend says that those with Raven totem go into the darkness to bring forth the light....I feel like I'm bringing back the light to my soul and to my purpose here on earth)

Sara,
What another wonderful post! You are such an inspiration, both to those who came chime in with a 'me too!', and for those who can see, though you, a light at the end of their own painful journey.

This summer has been one of great highs (3 weeks in Italy) and great lows (saying goodbye and burying my grandmother). It is interesting to be reminded that it is truely the lows that bring about lasting change in us as people. The highs make the journey pleasant, no doubt, but it is the lows that build you into who you are, for good OR bad. I so appreciate that you so freely share your experience with us. No one walks in anothers' shoes, but many many of us share the same bit of the path, now and then.

I know that it must be difficult to want to relate to people who are in a different stage in their journey than you are. I would guess that it is natural... "been there, already done that". And I'm sure that you would like to leave that part all behind you, in a sense. But know how appeciative we are of someone who DOES come back to share their life on 'the other side'. You've made it to the promised land and you come back and tell us about it - and it gives us hope that we can make it too, courage to face things knowing that they can be overcome, and the strength to keep at it when the going (life) gets tough.

Anyway, thanks for that.
Love, Cricket

Cricket took the words right out of my mouth.

I think it's awesome that you are becoming more and more your true self as you have these 'realizations' of who you really are on the inside. I say...have all the stuff you want done...you'll know when it's 'just right'...and if people don't like it, then they can kiss your purty booty!

Now about the booty...girl, I'm going to have to get mine lifted and maybe even get some extra padding to boot. I have always had this flat and low butt. I cannot wait to have that part of my weight loss equation fixed!!

I am up at 3:00 a.m. Menopause strikes again. But--insomnia does help when the work load is heavy. And, it is Friday so I can snooze extra tomorrow. It was such a pleasant surprise to find these wonderful posts of support. Thank you so much!


Barbara, thank you...and please know that I totally realize what an absolute jewel I have in my life. I wish everyone could find, love, and dare I say it----train a good man. My husband and I have been together a long time. We've had our rough patches, but we've grown through them. I think the "secret" to our longevity is that we have tolerated and given the best support we could during each others hard/challenge times. He has had to put up with me going back to college through bachelors and masters degrees---and stayed with me as we both realized I wasn't stupid after all. AND, he didn't agree to stay with me in sickness and health with full disclosure. We knew I had eating and depression problems when we married, but we didn't know the degree of the problems. Then came the type 1 diabetes and eventually the alcoholism. On my side, I didn't understand what dreadfully BIG pains in the butt young men are. Good grief! Aren't they just the dumbest, stubbornest, know-it-alls on the planet? I am having flashbacks to those times now since my son is 25 years old. I find myself giving my DIL big hugs and knowing looks of support these days.

Oh honey! You are speaking the truth here. You are on your own amazing journey. Enjoy it!! BTW I love your name and quote. When I hear Raven I think of the wonderful Native American myths concerning the changeling creature. Fabulous power!



Cricket, my friend. I always enjoy reading your writing. You are so expressive and astute. Let me give you my condolences on your grandmother. One of my grandmothers was my true gift/source of unconditional love growing up. I mourned her death for a long time....some of it while she was still on the planet because we lost her to Alzheimer's. Since her death, she is so much a part of my everyday life. I dream of her often. I feel her heart and guidance in my everyday life. She was my angel on earth and is now in her true angelic form. Perhaps you will have the same feelings from your grandmother.

You are right about living life with experience. I know that I do sometimes convey a "been there, done that" attitude....because I have. Hopefully, everyone will live to have enough success in life to feel that on many levels.

I didn't find forums until I was well into my weight loss journey. It really helped me at the stage of my discovery. I was near goal. I now realize that I actually need the forum and online friends the most for maintenance. Weight loss provides a goal and a momentum. Living on program for the rest of your life seems overwhelming at times. Having a daily support system is essential for me. I went through a very painful time with the small forum I used last year. I absolutely love the people, but I didn't have enough of what I needed for my stage of this experience. I think the people there cared for me, but they couldn't understand and/or give me support for the stage I'm in. It made me realize that ultimately we have to take responsibility for preserving what we need for recovery. If we are in a circumstance that is threatening our weight loss and food addiction recovery, we have to try to change it....and get out if necessary. Even if it means walking out on people we love. I found that incredibly painful. I'm sorry to say that I probably left people confused and hurt. Perhaps they will reach a level of weight loss success one day to understand what I did. Some have communicated to me that they support me even if they don't quite understand---they just know I felt it was essential to my abstinence and they are true friends enough to put aside their opinions in order to support my sincerity.

I tell that story because I agree with you so much that we learn through the low times. And that applies so much to our common place of the battle with obesity. In AA it is taught that you can't live your life with the same "people, places, and things" that you did when you are abusing alcohol/drugs. BUT as food addicts (compulsive overeaters) we are expected to do just that. Well you know what? I can't. and I don't. I honestly do not attend social functions which make me clench with tension....for me that is cocktail parties, dinner parties, showers ( I do send exceptionally nice gifts which is what they really want anyway) covered-dish meals. The food is only a small part of the discomfort for me. I just honestly hate those kind of things. When you don't eat at events like that, you spend a lot of time standing around with nothing to do and no one who really wants to talk with you...they think the non-eater is judging them even if we are not. I also cannot spend a lot of time with people that go on and off diets, food talkers, or Eeyores (gloom and doom personalities). These are the some of the biggest things I learned in AA that cross over to help me with food addiction.

The biggest thing I learned in AA was that "God" (the higher power of my understanding) wants me to be "happy, joyous, and free." Now THAT is an amazing revelation.

Enough of my esoteric rambling.
Have a great day everybody.
And Oh Yeah: I am going to be taking my chameleon, James Bond, to the exotic vet today. He is dehydrated and incredibly constipated. And we thought *we* had troubles!!!!
Sara<><

What an excellent post, sara! Thanks for that! I have my reduction coming up in just three short weeks, and your posts and advice have come to be very helpful for me.

And good luck to James Bond today!

Nicole,
What is the weather like in Boston now? We are just suffering in the heat...although we did get some much needed rain yesterday. I'm asking because if you are going to be in really hot weather you might want to prepare yourself for it. I've had my surgeries in June. It is hot then, but not as dreadful as August in the south. I did make sure I had some lightweight recovery clothing...thin cotton jammies and boxers. Healing and surgical dressing etc. is annoying Also having lots of ice and SF beverages helps. Not to mention bags of frozen peas--not to eat, use to apply to your wounds and hot spots.

Keep us posted. I think you are going to be absolutely amazed at how well you do.

Thanks for asking about 007. He received fluids and nutrients/meds to help him feel better. He is home this weekend--we all poop better in our own environments, don't we? If he doesn't have a B.M. this weekend I will have to take him back for the vet to give him an enema.!!!!!

Between my pets and my students I just never know what to expect.
Sara<><

Hi Sara!

How's James Bond doing? I remember his beautiful green colour from your previous avatar pic.

I'm still getting things unpacked and sorted here, but finally had a minute to post some pictures and say hello.

I'm a bit swirly from everything, all the travel especially, but looking forward to a day of calm to get things straightened out and enjoy the peace of home again.

Mrs. Kate!!!

Girl, I am running tight on time and you almost had me sidetracked this morning! I have been looking for your pictures and didn't find them in the gallery. I looked at your blog and got sucked in. Wow! Great writing and interesting stuff. I will have to come back this afternoon.

I just have a minute left before jumping into the shower and rushing off to face my incredibly ACTIVE 2nd grade class. This group is gonna give me gray hair. Fortunately I will never know it 'cause of my every 4 week color infusion!

James Bond is doing much, much better. Yipppeeee! He has had two BM's this weekend. I am off to mix his meds right now.
Have a great day,
Sara<><

Thanks for the tips! Frozen peas is a great idea. The weather is Boston is crazy all the time, every season. We've had some cool days. The weekend was brutally hot, and now we seem to be back to regular warm weather. So it could really go either way.

Glad to see 007 is doing better. I definately poop better in my own enviorment

Oops, sorry Sara! I didn't mean to send you on a wild goose chase. The pictures are posted in my journal here. I can also e-mail you links to the online albums with captions.

Must run - buying new sheets and, for the first time in four years, a working vacuum cleaner - yippee!

SO glad to hear the James Bond is doing better! Hope your new school year is off to a wonderful start, too!

Oh, and BEAUTIFUL wedding pictures, Kate - Congrats and many years of happiness to you and Simon!