I blew it today... big time...

As some of you may have read in my posts in other areas, I've been suffering with depression for a long time. About a month ago I finally got my insurance company to cover medical treatment for it. So, very excited that I was finally getting the help I needed, I quit smoking. I saw how it was linked to my depression (get into depressive episode = eat comfort foods + chain smoke... not healthy, I know, but that's how I delt with it) I figured since help was on the way, I could handle not smoking. Or, so I thought...

Today was my appointment. I got up bright and early to get ready, trekked over to the drs office, walked up to the counter and said "Hi. I have an appointment with Dr. [whatever her name was] at 11". Was met with the response of "That Dr. is off this week" Hmm.. interesting. They searched for me in the computer and couldn't find any record of my appointment. After a 20 minute discussion, they tried to find me a new appointment... and offered me one three weeks from now. I felt myself on the verge of tears. I felt like the rug had been pulled out from under me. "I can't wait that long" I told them. They didn't seem to care. I got treated as if I was making it up that I had a problem and I could wait 3 weeks for help for my fictitous problem. The receptionist actually looked at my record (once they found it!) and said "Oh, you're only coming in for depression". ONLY?!

So, I guess I had a little bit of a nervous breakdown in the parking lot. Maybe it sounds silly to get that upset over someone's clerical error, but it just felt so unfair! If I had a broken arm, they wouldn't have made me wait for treatment... and being that I've had both depression and a broken arm in my lifetime, I can guarantee depression is much harder to live with. So, I sat in my car and bawled. Seems silly to admit that now, but after waiting so long and being so happy that I was finally getting help... there was just nothing more I could do at that point.

Shortly thereafter, I get a call from my mother. It seems that my little boy (read: cat) was being rushed to the hospital because he couldn't breathe. I have a very strong attachment to that cat since I got him at 1 week old and had to bottle feed him round the clock for the first few weeks of his life. He was born with aortic stenosis, so I knew he wouldn't live a full life span, but I was told 9 or 10 years. So here he is, six years old and in heart failure. Over the next few hours calls went back and forth between my mother and I... cat's condition worsening... on nitroglycerine... on oxygen mask... fluid in his lungs... can stay off oxygen and breathe on his own for 15 minutes... nope now only 2 minutes... he's not going to make it to 7:30, you better get down here... too late, he's gone.

I couldn't take it anymore. I spent the next few hours like a zombie on my couch with a bag of cheetos and a pack of cigarettes to chain smoke. Back to my old habits. Bad habits. Habits I need to leave behind. Add to that a lecture from my BF about going back to my old habits, and I was just ready to scream.

I tell you this not because I'm looking for sympathy (although, if you reply, please don't be too rough on me either.. it's been a bad day!) but because I'm wondering if any of you have gone through this kind of ridiculous stress while you were trying to quit/stay on low carb... and if you did, how did you pull through and stay on the wagon? I think I just need a kick in the butt to get back to it, but it almost seems like its more of a hassle than its worth right now to watch my carbs and kick the habit. Been smoking pretty consistently since my couch surfing a few hours ago. It feels oddly comforting because that's what I've always done when the excrement hit the air conditioning, but I know I shouldn't be doing this.

Please don't think me a whiner or that I'm looking for an excuse to give up... I'm really just looking for hope on how to get through this and still quit smoking.