It's Friday morning, with heavy thunderstorms and well my mood pretty much matches it.

I am unsure how to feel at the moment. You see I found some files on my computer that leads me to believe my darling adorable hubby has been flirting with an online female.

Not sure when or how he met her. I have noticed they chat a lot during the day and evening. From what I have seen it was pretty harmless, until after I go to bed at night. Should I be worried that he asks her if she got "any" last night? Should I be concerned when he comments "he did" and "she should have met him before he got married?".

Something tells me things are about to get very bad at the homefront. Something tells me I am about to hit rock bottom and my heart bashed against the rocks battered into a thousand pieces.

I am really unsure what to do or think. All I know is for the first time in 3 years I feel as if I am about to die.

I sympathize with your pain.

Sometimes we make these things out to be worse than they are. Try not to dwell on it, but think about what you want to say when it is time to confront him, and pray for guidance.

Maybe if you tell him how it makes you feel, and ask him to stop, he will.

I hope this helps some.

OH god, I can just feel the pit of my stomach fall out in sympathy, AC. Been there, done that. My advice? Talk to him about it. It may not be as bad as you imagine. It may. You're not going to know until you confront him with your discovery, and its just going to make you miserable in the interim. Everything that he says is going to appear suspect until you lay it all out and get it off your chest.

Nat

...but whenever I see Nat's name by a thread I have to check it out...

...and this is an interesting issue on many levels (not minimizing your feelings about this agonycat...).

This whole issue of Internet flirtation and surfing for photo images, etc...is very complicated in terms of relationships, fidelity, etc. We're still stumbling with it in our house, too. Is it really "cheating" or not? It's certainly not a pleasant thing to discover, but maybe it's not only not as bad as it looks at first. Perhaps in some extrememely contemporary way it's healthy and serves a acceptable purpose.

Though Internet flirtations may not be your cup of tea and may not appeal to you, it may make your partner feel a little better about himself. Maybe he's feeling a little bored with his life. Maybe he needs to be reminded that people find him attractive. There are just SO many issues and possibilities.

When things become more personal and real names are used or when flirtations become face to face meetings, that's different.

I'm not suggesting that you should be happy about this. But as difficult as it may be, you might want to try an open and non-emotional (that's the tough part) discussion about it.

P.S. Keep in mind that he might be defensive and feel that he's been snooped on because you've checked his computer files. And be prepared for tension every time he wants to use the computer....

I know my thoughts on this may be controversial. I just think it's important to consider all the possibilities...

Sorry for rambling...

Donald

While Donald makes some interesting points, and who doesn't appreciate a man's point of view in a matter like this, I imagine the "I should have met you before I married" thing is what probably hurts you the most. Flirting is flirting, but that's a little much. I'm with Nat, you have to confront him.

Very sorry, AC. Hoping the best for you.

Janice

Sometimes words on the screen are easily misinterpreted...

...what looks like "I should have met you before I got married..."

might really mean "You should have met me before I settled down. I was a tiger then..."



Donald

Internet fliration... Internet cheating.. Internet friends... Internet Indiscretions. Real time flirtation, real time cheating, real time friends, real time indiscretions.

This is one area where life for me is black and white. If it's cheating when it's done face to face then it's cheating when it's done on a keyboard. There shouldnt be special considerations because 'it's not real'.

This is how I feel - I know it's not how everyone feels. I can see the other side of the arguement. Yes, it is possible that AC's husband intended nothing more than what happened on that screen happen, that it would never go any further. He certainly never inteded that SHE find out about it. It wasn't done to hurt or be spiteful. There may have been no 'thinking' about it at all. To him things that happen in 'chat' could mean nothing, have no bearing on his 'real life' because it isn't real.

It's a slippery slope. Relationships are built on trust. Finding something like this on your computer is devastating - it is horrible to have to live with.

You're right, Donald. There ARE so many posibilities. Talking to him about what was discovered is the only way to find out what is what.

Nat - still feeling sick to her stomach.

Just wanted to say how sorry I am that you found all that on your computer Agonycat BUT it is good that you found out now.
I didnt find out about my husband's online chit chat/flirting until after he had gone to meet THEM at a party in another city in the US! When I saw EVERYTHING I immedately emailed them and told them I found it all and his bags would be packed when he got back. Ruined his weekend anyway and nothing happened. They actually turned out to be not all that they portrayed online! Surprise! He looked like a wreck when he got back... early!
We had been together for 18 years by then! He moved out but we saw each other all the time because of the boys. We talked and talked and after 8 months decided to try and make a go of it again.... 2 years later all is well! I dont worry about him on the computer anymore.... he has learnt his lesson and grown up a bit {He's 43!} As a safeguard when he moved back in we deleted ICQ and changed our email address.
Its good that you saw it now.... you can catch your husband before it gets any further. In my opinion, it just might?? I agree with Nat... online or face to face, its cheating.
Once again... I am very sorry and the best of luck to you. It's NOT your fault.

Akiwican

I agree...if it's making you feel bad, then it isn't right, online or in "real life." I also agree that you MUST confront him immediately...you will probably be able to tell from his reaction if it was intentional cheating or simply a few comments taken out of context. Don't forget that typed words are VERY subjective and can easily be taken the wrong way when not combined with body language, etc. as Donald said. Sorry, I've been there before too... and I felt my stomach drop for you too. (same old feeling I guess)

Tip: when it happened to me, I confronted the boyfriend and he denied it. To prove it (one way or the other) to myself, I chatted with him under another screen name/profile to see how far he was willing to go and that's when I realized the truth...

I agree that you should talk to him about it soon, he may say it as "innocent", but definately tell him that you do not!

I found chat files on my ex-husbands computer too, but his went farther than chatting.

Agonycat, I am sorry to hear the bad news but I agree with DWRolfe, check it out before you let your blood boil to the point of no return. I hope it all works out and I am here for you if you need to talk.

Thanks everyone for the support. I really need it at a time like this.

I do however have a question for the men. While I can understand "guy talk" of bragging rights to other guys about sex and such things, what in the world would possess a man to bring up the subject of sex to a 19 year old, female college student? I mean really guys please give me a break here.

Why would you ask a single female if she "got lucky on her date" and tell her you did and too bad she hadn't met you before you got married if you didn't want to some how "spark" the coversation in that direction? I might add here she was very intoxicated barely able to type let alone have the coversation however he did bring it up first and she did answer. I can understand if it was a guy, but a female?

And why would you want a single female to know you were a "tiger" before you got married if you weren't interested in perhaps getting a love interest started up?

I do believe I am heading to my parents this weekend to get away from this. Talking to him at this point would only be resolved in me wringing his heartless neck.

This thread has brought up alot of memories for me today. I really feel for you and understand what you are going through. As you can see by some of the replies... this is not an uncommon situation. If you must get away for the weekend to compose yourself do so. But please address the situation soon as it will eat you up just not knowing what is going on.

Since this girl is so young it may well be just an online flirtation and is never meant to go any further BUT the next one might not be....

Things worked out well for my husband and I and that could be the outcome for you too. It was a wake up call for us both and has made our marriage stronger. Trust can be restored through communication if you are BOTH willing to work at it. Good luck and best wishes to you.

Akiwican

I'm no guy, but surprizingly enough, I have an opinion.

Yeah guys brag. So do we, right? But they do not tend to brag about the women they are currently involved with - not the way women will have 'sex talks' with girlfriends. I think when it comes to talking about current relationships/girlfriends/wives men are a lot more careful about what they say and to whom - the possessive factor comes into play as well. Talking about conquests and ex's isnt the same.

19 years old? Big old alarm bell going off here. I'm assuming he knows she's 19 if you do.

Getting away to cool off isn't a bad idea - but waiting too long to talk to him might be. Don't let yourself fester. It's better to know - honestly it is.

Nat

But I do have to other thoughts about this...

The person involved may not be a 19 year old college student. People online tell lies all the time. Could be a woman (or a man) of any age just playing games. But I guess that's not so important here...

And here's the idea that will get me in more hot water, but as a man (regardless of preferences, men share some behaviors)...for many men, online games mean absolutely nothing more than picking up a copy of Playboy (choose the publication that fits). It really doesn't mean anything more than that.

On the other hand, he may have an addiction...and he may need your help.

I see from the responses that many women have faced this issue and had bad experiences with it. But not ALL situations are the same.

Communicate. Be true to yourself. Begin rebuilding the trust.

Donald