Sorry, I am retracting my comment, as I've just read through three others who have essentially told you the same thing.


The only thing I want to add is that you have to first take care of you before you can take care of others. So don't use your guilt for your son as a reason not to leave. Instead consider leaving for you AND your son. good luck!

I understand the guilt, but if he can suck in his gut and "act okay" for his son, why can't he do the other things that would make all your lives together far more happy and functional?

I understand people who just can't do things. But it sounds like he can do things... when he wants to enough.

And that is just selfish.

I have been a psy nurse for 25 yearws and all I can say is get your kid and run

Amen Pink cloud

I have to say that I agree with some previous posters - if it were me, I would consider the idea that he may not be attracted to women.

My first husband was diagnosed with ADD in his mid 30s. I can't remember his exact age at the time, 35 or 36. He was diagnosed because a marriage counselor suggested that he be tested. He went through a long battery of tests with a psychiatrist and it was determined that he did, in fact, have ADD.

He was put on Adderall, and the side effects were a little rough at first, but he did very well on it ultimately. He, for the first time in his entire life, got a job and kept it for more than a few months. He was much easier to live with medicated than he was not. He was also terribly irresponsible with his finances, and that improved a bit by taking medication. I'll be glad to expound on any of that if you are interested.

However, it still didn't change the fact that, after a baby and several years together, he really preferred men, and just didn't know it for a while.

He, too, is a fantastic, hands-on, involved, sensitive, caring father. But he was a lousy husband, and I'm much happier with my upgrade.

EXACTLY!!! My sentiments EXACTLY...I've been there and I've done this. It's the hardest thing you may EVER do but you have to value the quality of your life and the life of your children. He doesn't respect you if he demeans you that way. Without respect you can't have a functional, happy marriage...there is so much resentment that develops over time with this type of behavior. It makes me sad that you are enduring this type of treatment...honestly, how can someone say "I love you" and intentionally say and do such hurtful things. You deserve better....Don't quit...love yourself....love your children....take that ambition and drive you have and make some difficult but important changes in your life.
My prayers are with you

I'm joining this thread very late. And people have said a lot. Most of which I agree with. But when you have young children, it is difficult for someone outside to point in your direction and tell you what needs to be done. That being said, your story reminds me very much of a friend of mine. Her husband was IMHO a complete ass. She was married to him very young and even though she would "say" she didn't buy his comments on some level she did. It wasn't until she could confirm that he was cheating on her that she finally got her kids and left. She is now very happily married and has been for about 10 years.

I'm not saying what you should or shouldn't do but abuse can be very subtle and tricky. And you mentioned something about comparing you to a porn star or something of that nature. Maybe someone else has already stated this but porn addiction is a very real thing and can really mess a guy (or a girl) up.

I wish you the very best! You sound like such a driven and smart young woman. Take care of yourself.
Amber

Well, I have something to add to this thread, though it perhaps doesn't sound too amusing at the time, it certainly is doing my self esteem a lot of good now!
My husband and I had the same problem with lack of sex after our two children. I had only been 8 months post our son and he threw all his toys out of the pram and stormed out back to his parents. I think it was a mixture of feeling a lack of affection, tiredness, inability to deal with responsibilities of being a parent and of course me being hormonal.

Anyway, it took from March to this November for me to loose 35lbs. Aided I suspect by the stress of dealing with two children on my own. He visited for the first time with his mother late November and I caught him checking me out. (btw he is 52, and has suspected aspergers) Then Christmas Eve he came up and kept commenting about how skinny I am getting, that I should eat. But that didn't stop him from taking masses of photos of me with our son. I think the upshot of it is that he's made things now that he can only look and not touch. I guess that is the result of being an arse and walking out on your family.

Not sure if I am recommending that particular course of action, but what i would say is please try and get him to take care of the children at least once a week (even in the evenings is fine) so that you can go out and get your old self back. I didn't and now sadly I can't! No matter how much he hates it you have to do it. He can have his night out too... Trust me, he needs to feel like he's missing something!

Hope this helps.
From one mum to another.

Sorry, me again. I was just reading back through the posts and saw ADD, ADHD and various other neurological/brain related conditions. That in itself should tell us all something. Diet is a key factor in body AND Brain health. My husband was following my diet with low carbs and high fat/protein. He was GREAT on it mentally. The only problem was he got bored and went back to heavy carbs like bread. He left two weeks later saying that he had headaches to a friend of his... which I presume he attributed to me and our strained relationship. He was a completely new man on this diet... no grumps, new energy, sex drive, focused, excited, positive, no indigestion. The list is endless. As soon as he stopped it's like his body just collapsed as it still wasn't healthy enough to sustain a high carb diet.

GO FIGURE!

Hmm... Thanks for the comments from everyone. I'll address a few points.

1.) He's absolutely and definitely not gay. I have no idea how many people have suggested this to me (in real life, not this site), but I swear he's not gay. I'm typically really perceptive about that kind of thing and unless he's beyond incredible at hiding it he's definitely not gay. I can usually read him very well and catch even if he's telling a very white lie or if he's omitting something. I catch him every time, so I guess that's good because he doesn't bother lying to me anymore if I ask him a direct question. But yeah... the guy gets... excited (in the lower regions, haha) if he catches a Victoria's Secret commercial in his peripheral vision. Not gay. lol

2.) Yeah, he's generally pretty crappy to me, but he's been a consistently good father. Like amazingly fantastic beyond belief. And the sex issue was there well before I was ever even pregnant, so it's not new. I've recently done some research on adult ADHD and found that quite frequently it can result in a lack of sex drive due to self-esteem issues, insecurity, thinking they'll do it wrong, etc. I got a referral to a psychologist that should be able to begin the diagnostic process for my husband. Maybe it will help?

3.) I get the general consensus is to leave him. Here's the thing, and I'm in no way making excuses for him or anything. First, financially it's not feasible at this time. Second (and more importantly), we go through cycles. 1/3 of the time I'm miserable. 1/3 of the time things are just tolerable. 1/3 of the time I'm fine. So if I'm only miserable 1/3 of the time, I can't really justify leaving him when he's such a great dad.

Anyway... All that said, he's agreed to begin the process of getting diagnosed with ADHD. I've even got his parents on board with the idea. They always thought he had a learning disability and I think I've safely convinced them that he was misdiagnosed. (If I hadn't mentioned previously, I'm in internship as a mental health counselor.) The process is really long and cumbersome (it seems) to prove he was misdiagnosed, establish that he actually had ADHD as a child, and still has it at present. But I'm hoping that getting him medication of some sort at the end of it will help. If I can convince him to get regular counseling concurrently with medication then all the better, but one step at a time. A year ago he flat refused to ever take medication unless it was a life/death situation, so this is progress.

On a positive note, something weird happened with him. I don't know what it is I did differently recently, but he's out of town at his parent's house until today with my son (I went for a few days in the middle of the trip, but had to come back). Usually when he's out of town he doesn't call me on his own. I actually can't think of a time when he ever did that in the entire time I've known him. He called me yesterday and today and it was like pulling teeth trying to get him off the phone (which never happens either because he's not a phone person). All of a sudden I burst out with, "OMG You miss me!!" He actually misses me which makes no sense at all because I don't recall it ever happening before. I know it's stupid and he SHOULD miss me, but I'm trying to figure out what I've done differently lately that made him feel that way.

Did you change his diet? Add any supplements? That could make a big difference.

That is just such great news. The phone thing... about not calling unless prompted, is the same as my husband. He rarely has an original thought of his own... in fact I can safely say I don't think I have ever seen one. His round about way of saying he misses me is exactly as you describe... keeping me on the phone longer than the call calls for... this is also a symptom of Aspergers. He is in a positive mind frame, which is also brilliant. Apparently particularly aspergers or similar people can have real difficulty with the arrival of new additions to the family and also to change (in you or himself) which makes them feel very wobbly. I would say also that you are on to a really good thing if his parents are in on the whole diagnosis idea, that is truly brilliant as they can act as your support as well during difficult times. I don't have such an easy time of it with my in-laws as mine would actively prevent my husband from dating or being with anyone. He never took his key girlfriend home once before he met me. And then he only took me home because we were pregnant! Good luck - I really have a good feeling about this for you!

I think he has an inferiority complex, and doesn't feel he is good enough for you. So what does he do? He finds every reason he can to try and bring you down so that he can feel better about himself. Guys think like a totem pole, and the only way they usually feel comfortable is if theirs is taller than everyone elses. Do not be the target for his unaddressed emotional issues. No matter what you do, your never going to please him because he does not want to be pleased, he wants to make you miserable in a confused effort to console himself from his own perceived failings. Misery loves company. I would insist he get some serious therapy for his issues, and if he refuses, I would separate until he does. He is trying to make you resent him so that he can have an excuse to destroy the relationship and fulfill his own prophecy. Self sabotage, but he is taking you down with him.

I'm truly hoping the best for you. I just feel I HAVE to say this...part of him being an incredibly good father is making sure that he treats you-the mother of his child with love and respect. Children are very intuitive, you may not argue in front of him but is he seeing a loving caring relationship between the two of you? It's not only what children AREN'T exposed to that matters...what they ARE exposed to makes a huge impact on their perception of whats normal.

I rarely wish for a diagnosis, but in your case...I hope his behavior can be altered once a correct diagnosis is made and he's taking the appropriate medication. Good luck to you!

tlc - amen to that.