Wow, where do I start? I have so many things going through my head right now.

I hate that I am obsessed with my weight and at the same time abhor the fact that I let it go for so long.

I detest my scale but if I ignore it; I know I will creep back to where I was.

I miss sweet and greasy carbed up junk but know that it is a one way ticket to the grave.

I feel like I am making no progress even though my clothes say differently and so does the tape measure and scale although; I, for some reason, am unable to believe any of it.

I feel like I am going to be fat forever. I feel destined to be pudgy. I have been overweight and or obese for so much of my life I almost feel as if it is futile to even attempt to imagine that I can look and feel 'normal'.

I'm 30 years old and I would just like to be able to live the rest of my good years as a slim, healthy person.

I feel like I am emotionally torturing myself for allowing myself to believe for even a second that there is a light at the end of the blubber tunnel.

Both my parents died at 50, my dad from heart disease and my mom from a combination of diabetes II, heart disease, high blood pressure, and mental problems. My mom was always obese and she never even tried to be anything but....

god, I don't want to be like her or, even worse, die like her; fat and alone.

The worst part of all of this is overcoming a day or two days or three days of carb addiction and then feeling like I am still not making any progress.

I look at people who used to be my size and are now skinny from starving themselves or speed or god knows what and I wonder at what point did I decide to try to do better.

I lost weight and looked good when I was a coke fiend and smoking cigarettes but I felt like crap. I thought I was a scum then and I hated myself but hey, I was thin, right?

I know that is insane but that crap actually goes through my head.

At a time in my life when I should be proud of myself; all I can do is cry and wonder why I am still in this horrific fat suit.

It is hard emotionally, isn't it? I've had a lot of the same feelings you have.

But looking at your stats, you're down 35 lbs which is over 15% of your starting body weight. So you are most definitely having healthy changes in your body even if you don't see them yet.

This is such a slow journey to get healthy again that it's frustrating. We abuse our bodies for years and then want all the damage erased and to be thin in a year and it just takes longer - especially as we get older.

It is so worth sticking to it and not getting discouraged. Coke and cigarettes will send you where your parents are. A good diet, slowly losing the weight and exercising will get you a longer life. You are not doomed to your parents life. And you are already doing things to improve your health :-)

Hang in there!!!!

Thanks, squid. I am actually 210-212 depending on the time of the day. My scale wasn't calibrated when it said 204 but I just refuse to change the stats...

I know it is still progress but I started this WOE last year and I did so well and then quit smoking and went back to square one. I do know that I am doing what is best for me but I really feel like I am never going to be thin or anything close to thin.
I don't even remember the last time I walked without having my gut sucked in. What does it feel like? I want to know before my life is over... I don't mean to sound overly dramatic.

Just don't give up. Emotional eating will not help to get you out a a funk. Borrow a neighbour's dog and go for a long walk. And stay the course to a healthy you.

Thanks. I'm not feeling like eating anything bad. I just feel really down about things right now. I'm actually about to jump on the treadmill and then eat some chicken salad.

your whole vent seems to be about your physical appearance... what is going on in the rest of your life?

It's really not... It's about not dying alone and fat at 50 and about working my ass off to get into shape and about it happening way too slowly and about getting chemicals out of my life and dealing with the after effects of it...

The only thing going on in my life is me trying to get healthy. I have a good job, great kids, a husband who works his ass of and is hardly ever home for me to even complain about...

Of course my appearance bothers me but it isn't at the forefront of my issues. Lucky for me, I was blessed with a really good complexion and excellent camoflauging skills so, from what I have been told, the rest of the world can't even tell how fat I am. I want to get healthy and look good for me.

Hey Nka,

Gosh, it sounds like I could have written that..except the coke part. Honestly looking at your pistures and reading your posts..here's my two cents. You look fantastic, whether it's only because you've lost 2 or 30 lbs. You are extremely caring, sweet and hilarious. This combination does not produce people without someone to love. Hang in there. After battling serious depression for a long time, I am very familiar with "dark tunnels". It does get better. I hate excercising but the endorphins produced are fantastic for a low mood. Crank up the tunes and get outside in the freshair to do your walk or run. If that scale isn't budging buy a new one or don't use it except for once a month. Put it in the closet somewhere. I know progress is slow. Last week I binged and gained 5 lbs. in one day!!!! I am still fighting to get that so called water weight off It took me over a year to lose 30 lbs. with serious restrictions, so yeah it can suck, but we love ya and are always here for ya. Have an awesome day.

Smile
Leanna

I found that I finally lost all mine when I quit worrying so much about it and just had fun. I started to cook like my mother, nothing out of a box, not even for my kids, and it worked. I made them bread, french fries, all the things kids, and my husband like and I just said no to it because I had plenty of other great food to eat. It took a little while, but it finally worked when I quit worrying about everything I was eating and just started liking to cook again, and enjoy outside activities. This weather we have had is enough to make anyone not lose weight so I know this isnt good, but sometimes I go tanning just to get the sun, not every day not every other day, maybe just once a week and it just picks me right back up and really helps me stick to my lowcarb. Keep up the good work, it takes awhile, it took us awhile to gain weight so it has to take some to lose it.

You know what Nka, you a a beautiful person, I can tell by what and how you write. You also have the greatest sense of humor that I admire. You are on the right track and I know for a fact that each day that you low carb you will feel a little bit better. You are so on the right path. Stick with this and your weight will be gone and you will have friends like me that will last forever.


I am here for you girl, you are a true wonderful person!

Leanna,
Thank you for understanding! I do need to get out more. I work from home 90% of the time and maybe cabin fever is contributing to my overall feeling of being down. I binged about a week and a half ago, too and I felt like shit over it but I did so well watering it out of my system. I don't expect perfection but I have little patience, ya know? Thanks for replying, really and sincerely.

I think I really do need to get out more. I did go to the park yesterday with the kids and we only stayed for like 10 minutes because I had to pee, LOL but it was nice to get out of the house! I won't go tanning because I am way to fair skinned for that and I burn easily. I definitely don't want wrinkles on top of rolls, LOL. Thanks for your encouragement!

egnue,
You rock! Thanks so much for your kind words. I have just recently been trying to be able to take compliments. I've been through a lot in my life and yes, I know a lot of people have but I'm talking about serious radical shit that is surreal to think about. The thing is that I feel like I am still existing within all of that and when I think about what my greatest fear is, it is dying alone, fat, and miserable like my mother did.
I don't have any support system here at home. My husband is an OTR truck driver and I only see him a few days a month (this is actually not a bad thing) and my friends are mostly people that I work with that don't live close or my really close friends from my website that live far from me. My best friend is really not a friend at all and is selfish and constantly pressures me to do things like starting to smoke again. I realized about a week ago that she is a total bitch and I don't even want to talk to her anymore. Maybe that's harsh but after long and hard thinking it was the obvious conclusion.
I've been making friends here and that really rocks because so many of you here, like you, totally understand why I am so fighting with this weight issue. I'm really not vain at all. I just want to be comfortable and healthy and be able to sleep at night knowing that I've been good to myself and that I am a good mom. In the end, what else is there?

Again, thank you for your kindness!

Well keep up the good work, and use lots of sunscreen outside, the sun just picks me right up, if Im in a bad mood, I can go drive around even without my sunglasses and it seems to help even if the weather is crappy and cold but the sun is out it just seems to help me. Another thing I noticed is if I dont get enough sleep I get in a terrible mood, and stall like crazy. Good Luck

Nka,

I just wanted to wish you luck. You're a really cool person and whether you're being funny or giving someone a reality check, I really like reading your posts.

I know it's tough to put down the drugs, cigarettes and other assorted self-destructive habits and have to face your real self. It's a long journey and I think you're kicking butt. Hang in there.