For me the most beneficial result of reading PNP and learning about sugar sensitivity is that I finally have come to realize that my crazy sugar binges have a basis in something other than my lack of willpower and consequently when I look in the mirror and see the extra 12 pounds I've put on since October, due to the holiday sugar fest, I don't look with eyes of disgust. In fact I think my chubbiness as rather cute. Not so cute that I want to hang onto it exactly but I'm not coming down on myself as I have my whole life.

When I was young I must have been blessed with a high metabolism because I ate candy, ice cream and pastries non-stop and was still skinny. But even back then I remember trips to the high-end candy store and then hurrying home to eat my bag of goodies alone in my room. In fact I have only really wanted to binge on sugar by myself. That wanting to hide away and sneak my treats is something I always attributed to some weakness or sickness on my part. I watched my Dad, who was also thin, do the same thing. But it all finally caught up with me after menopause.

Although I've never been morbidly obese I had been 30 lbs overweight for most of 13 years. Then four years ago I managed, following South Beach, to get down to a normal weight, only to gain back 10 lbs every Christmas. Last January I tried Jenny Craig and I lost the 10 lbs and 5 more, and got down to my lowest in 22 years, even though I was still sneaking candy and treats. And I did keep it off until Halloween. Then I really bottomed out, despite my desire not to repeat what was becoming a yearly custom. I think maybe my body was trying to tell me something. At one point, after sneaking a whole box of Russell Stover in one sitting, and feeling so awful, I googled "sugar addict" and came across PnP. I got it out of the library before Christmas and knew I couldn't start anything until after our family get-together. Which is where I find myself now. Step 1 is something I have always done, since South Beach days, maybe not with so much protein and no brown. So I've modified my breakfast, upped the protein, added the brown and I love it. Then I began Step 2 since I have also always journalled. What I love about this journal is I have no urge to lie to myself, like I have done in the past with Weight Watchers. It's more like tracking scientific data, where nothing is wrong or bad. It is just data, something that can be examined. I have stopped eating sugar. I know that is something that is not advised at this point but feeling as bad as I did over the holidays I simply cannot continue to eat it. It makes me feel too awful. During my recent binging I was not journalling but I was observing, for really the first time, the effect that all this sugar was having on me. I was feeling not only up and down moodwise, and compulsively pre-occupied with getting my next fix, but my joints were aching as if I had arthritis. I was attributing this to the cold and damp and only later, after I had cut out the sugar, did someone tell me that that is related to eating sugar. And now that aching and stiffness has subsided signficantly.

Anyway, enough rambling. I just wanted to record where I'm at today.

One final point I am eternally grateful that I began an intensive exercise program three and half years ago. Mostly Pilates and jogging. I've added in yoga recently. I wish I could spend three hours a day exercising. A lot of times I do manage to do two hours. Because no matter how bad I was eating the feeling that underneath any padding my muscles and my endurance are there for me gives me such a feeling of confidence. Even though I dieted I would resent the limits. Limits seem like a negative. But with exercise it is the opposite of limits. It is a positive. I have always thought that for anyone who has problems with food, start first with exercise. It is a great way to start to get in touch with your body.

Maria