Help! Saboteur in the House!
 

I need some good advice on how to deal with a saboteur in my family. My mom has lived with us for the last 6 years and we all love her and are happy she is with us but ever since I decided to eat low carb, she has been on a tear to get me to eat carbs!

I have explained to her over and over WHY I have chosen to eat this way. I've explained in terms of my weight issues (she is normal weight), I have explained in terms of my diabetes and I have explained that I just like the food better!

I have been low carbing for a month now and she just isn't having any of it in terms of respect for my decision to eat low carb.

Example: I came home after work one day last week and she had decided to cook dinner (Okay, no problem with that on my part!). So she cooked a roast with carrots, potatoes and celery, she had homemade beef gravy, she had made a double batch of Rice-a-Roni for a side and she had green salad.

So we sit down to eat and I had a couple slices of roast and about 1 1/2 cups salad. She took one look at my plate and started in on the guilt trip with 20 questions of why I had that food on my plate.

Her: "Why don't you have any gravy?" Me: "Because there's flour in the gravy, therefore it is high in carbs so I choose not to have gravy"

Her: "Well Aren't you going to eat any carrots and potatoes?" Me: "No mom. They look delicious but again, they are high in carbs and I am choosing not to eat high carb foods."

Her: "Well I just can't believe that carrots and potatoes are bad for you. I was raised on them you know!" Me: "I am not saying carrots and potatoes are bad for YOU. I am saying they are bad for me and my diabetes so I choose not to eat them."

Her: "Well what about rice? There's no sugar in Rice-a-Roni! Rice is good for you too you know!" Me: "I know there is no added sugar in rice, but in the body it breaks down into sugar and that is bad for me since I have diabetes so again, I choose not to eat it."

Her: "This is just dumbest thing you've ever done yet. You can't even eat healthy foods anymore!" Me: <still calm> "Mom, I can respect you feel that way but you also need to respect that I don't agree with you. I have done a lot of research on foods and nutrition and for me, with my weight issues and my diabetes, I have decided this is best for me. I totally understand that what I'm doing may not be what's best for you or anybody else....it is just what is best for me at this time in my life. What I really need is for you to support me, not chastise me for not eating carrots and potatoes."

That pretty much ended the converstation.

The next afternoon I came home from work and she had a pack of a dozen chocolate chip bakery cookies sitting on the counter. I didn't even get my coat off and she was telling me how she had been out shopping and bought cookies and I should try one because they're really good.

Again...I calmly said "no thanks" and again explained to her why cookies are not on my menu these days. She started in again about how stupid my low carb eating is..and blah blah blah and blah blah blah...etc.

The wierd thing is that my mom is really a very nice, loving, caring person. But for some reason my low carb eating has just brought out the worst in her. I've have asked her to read some of the literature I have on the topic so she will have a better understanding of it, she hasn't. I have explained over and over how carbs are really sugar and that for me, having diabetes, sugar is not my friend. I have tried everything I can think of to get her to back off and it hasn't worked. So any suggestions out there? Anyone else been through this with a loved one or going through it right now??

How do I get her to understand this is really not about her? That it is not a personal snub against her cooking or her wanting to buy cookies for the family? She is just totally on the attack with this topic and defending myself and my choices almost daily is getting old real fast!

What do I try next??!!

Nothing.

Just keep doing what you're doing and keep your resolve.

Progress not perfection.

Lisa

I had a similar issue with my mom. You simply have to be strict and not let her destroy your resolve. She doesn't respect you and that's not acceptable. You could sit down with her one afternoon and ask her what this is all about. Obviously, the food isn't the real issue here - ask her what's bugging her.

If that doesn't help, simply keep ignoring her food choices for you until it sinks in...

oh wow, that would be so hard. i'm very impressed with your resolve and how patient you've been with your mom. my guess is she really wants what's best for you and has probably enjoyed feeding you over the years so it's hard for her to see you decline the things you used to enjoy. hopefully as she sees you stick with it and get healthier, she'll be more supportive and even helpful. you're doing a great job - keep it up!!

That is a tough one. But I agree with cnmLisa, just stay the course and maintain your resolve. Eventually she will see your success and then the benefits of LC will become clear. I gave up a long time ago on trying to convince naysayers about the world of low carb. You cannot open the mind of someone who is unwilling to have it opened.

it's not just naysaying about low-carb is it though? you have diabetes and she's pressurising you to eat cookies: cookies isn't a staple part of any diabetic healthy eating plan I've ever seen low carb or low fat.

stay the course, your weight will change and she will either back off or you will ahve to confront her, it really is something you don't need in your own home though :(

I dont ever defend my diet. The sceptics will just use my words to argue their own point. Too much wasted energy.

I like to change the topic instead.

To the standard statement of why are you eating only meat? Or dont you want any bread/dessert/etc

I usually just say something along the lines of "not right now, thanks." Somehow that inference of maybe later just not right now lets the mildly concerned off the hook.

For the more persistent I say something like " In my second childhood I have decided to be a picky eater :) next month I am planning to only eat Fruit Stripe gum!" :yum:

You would be surprised how much of the time this leads to a discussion of all the candy we used to love as kids like wax lips and candy cigarettes and the focus is off of you.

Obviously living in the same home and since the lines have been drawn about your food choices and your moms opinion some light hearted one liners wont work.

I guess in your situation I would just not offer any resistance. People who disagree with this diet choice are never going to be won over by calm rational explanations. They may be won over by seeing good results (or maybe not) but that takes months and you need to defuse things so you dont feel pressured.

The next time she says why dont you eat this? Could you say something like "because I have lost my cotton pickin mind and want to live dangerously?"

Or pre empt her comments by saying "here I go! Another day of making totally weird food choices!"

Or, "I am doing an experiment. I am planning to quit if I grow fangs!"

or
"Youre such a great mom to care about what I eat! I love you!"

then just calmly proceed to do whatever in the heck you want.

I learned this stuff from my teenagers. I used to wonder how it was that they calmed me down and STILL got their way :D

Well this is how: they dont offer resistance, they use love and humor, they acknowledge my underlying concerns are based on love for them.

So now I use it to get my way with the low carb diet!

It might be time to have a private one-on-one with Mom and explain why her behavior is so destructive. If she starts to defend herself during your chat just shut her down and say, "No Mom, I'm not asking you this, I'm telling you, this is how it is going to be if you and I are going to get along."

Be strong! You don't need to be angry, but just firm and don't take any nonsense.

I agree. My grandmom lives in the house, and boy do I catch heat sometimes, but you just have to stand your ground. Tossing the cookies in the trash just once will probably make the point that you don't want them left lying on the counter. At Christmas I round everything up and take it to the post office to give away (really small post office :-)) and that gets me in a heap of trouble, but it does result in the goodies that are important to her being hidden away from my sight.

Funny thing about my grandmom is that she used to get so MAD at everyone for not supporting her all those years she did Weight Watchers (to no avail). I remember a few times she was emotional, crying, yelling when people ate things in front of her because of HER frustration that no one was supportive.

SIGH. I dunno. Good luck in the battle. Choose your ground, and don't give in to the bullying and manipulation. I will say that a month into Atkins, now it doesn't really bother me to see that junk around so much. Last time she made brownies & left them on the counter, I didn't even care. It was much worse when I was trying a higher carb diet.

Wow, that sounds like a difficult situation. I think you're doing amazingly well! And being so reasonable against such irrationality, too. :)

I think you already got some great advice here, just hold your ground and perhaps try to have a heart-to-heart with your mother. Perhaps there's something else bugging her?

I can so relate to you and your issue. I am diabetic as well. I am the only person in my family that eats lc. When I first started LC we would go to my inlaws for dinner, usually holiday, I would get looked at and say "Why are you only eating turkey?" I would bring sides that I could eat, salad, lc veggies, or appetizers. For the longest time my inlaws resented it. They wouldn't put it on the table either. I would be told the same things-you can't not eat vegetables and fruit. It isn't good for you. Or the guilt trip about not eating her food..how about just a little bit of potatoes or rice, it doesn't have sugar. I would say the same thing..I can not eat it.



I have faced this as well. I always access the situation and think, "what can i eat?" Instead of getting mad, focus on what you could eat on this meal. Eat the potroast, and the celery-if they are not covered in gravy. I had to do this often. I would just tell my mil, this roast is so amazing, so moist, thank you so much. I also would put my meat on top of the celery, this way she didn't know what veggies i didn't eat. Also, what worked for me, a bowl. I would eat out of a bowl instead of a plate, then they couldn't see what was in the bowl. Most of the time I just put the meat on top of my salad anyway.

No one in my household eats lc. Not my husband, and not the kids. I do not cook different meals. We all eat the same thing. However, I cook things the way i can eat them, or adapt it. I make homemade nuggets, or shake and bake..I coat my families with the real stuff, and I coat mine in ground up pork rinds-or just spices. I make spgt. and meatballs for the family. I do not add breadcrumbs to the meat..i use hamburger and had half ground sausage as well. The fat from the sausage keeps it tender. It is a common thing to see me with a bowl of meatballs and salad, while the family is eating pasta and meatballs. It can be done. It takes a lot more will power than being able to totally get rid of everything.

My family, inlaws especially, wouldn't leave me alone about what i would eat and wouldn't eat until i told them, instead of low carb diet, that i was following a diabetic diet from my doctor..that if i didn't stick to it i would be sick. When i stopped using the low carb words, they backed off. Occasionally i hear how about just one bite? I tell them that my problem is I can't only have "one bite" i'd eat to much and make myself sick.

Once in a while I still get looks when we go out to the inlaws. They look at my plate and say, "Are you still eating that way?" I say, yes, thank you.

I'm married to a man that can eat ice cream and cereal all day..snacks on candy and ice cream in between meals to keep weight on. It isn't fair..three of our kids are as thin as he is, the other two can look at food and gain weight. Its not fair at all.

I have been controlling my diabetes for over a year eating this way. I feel great. It works.

Thanks but no thanks. It works every time. If they insist, insist back and say that you did say "thank but no thanks" and if they go on, well what can you do.

I agree. At this point, you don't even need to keep explaining. Your mother has already heard (and probably understood) your explanations, so I think it's best to just be simple and firm at this point.

I had the same problem with my live-in mom. Part of it was that she just didn't get it ("If you can't eat bread, how about matzoh?" - lol) and part of it may have been guilt and what felt like a repudiation of her mothering! After all, she fed me those foods when I was growing up and l now I'm telling her those foods made me sick and fat.

All I did was smile and say, "Ooh, thanks, but I can't." And, I have to admit, if she pressed the issue I would just smile and find an excuse to leave the room. Avoidance? Absolutely. :) But my mom passed away in August and I'm glad that I never made a big issue of it.

Thanks everyone for the responses. I agree with all of you that I cannot let her pick away at my resolve to eat LC and so far it hasn't. If anything, I just feel defensive all the time when food is in the room. It's like she's watching me to see what I decide to put on my plate and then she launches in.

I think I may have possibly figured out part of the problem...per this post from Jonika ...



Bingo! Getting rather psychological here but...maybe the problem is that my mom raised us kids on high carb foods. We ate pancakes, french toast and sugar cereals for breakfast. We had PB&J's everyday for lunch with a ding dong, candy bar or twinkie for dessert. Dinner was always hamburger in some form with mashed potatoes and gravy for dinner or mac n cheese. Treats were chocolate milk, soda, candy bars, cake, etc.

Rarely was there a vegetable on our plate and fruit was unknown and I didn't even know what salad was till I was in my mid teens. Funny thing is that she was raised on a farm and ate tons of fresh meat, milk and veggies.

Her and I have talked many times through the years about the food she fed us growing up and she says she fed us that stuff because "that's what my dad liked to eat". Probably doesn't help my mom's psyche that my dad died several years ago from heart disease after two by-passes and he too was diabetic and 150 lbs overweight.

So maybe...just maybe...as she sees me with all this extra weight and diabetic and suddenly on a carb/sugar revolt...maybe she somehow thinks she is responsible because of what she fed us?? Maybe she's feeling guilty??

Might be a place for me to start next time she starts in. I certainly don't blame my mom for my problems. Maybe I need to tell her that??

That might explain why she's going to such great lengths to get me to eat the stuff I used to eat?

All I know is that Jonika's right...this can't possibly be just about food.