Self confidence, do they come back?
 

I'm sorry if this is posted on the wrong place.

I have a question those who have lost alot of weight, do self confidence come back when you reach your goal, or is that something you need to work on separately. Being big for more then 2/3 of your life, I can't imagine being thin/normal anymore.

I've never been a negative person (but never a confident person), even after all those look people give to me, and being spit on by drunken old man for my size, I always kept a positive outlook. But now I'm in the mid 30s things seems to be gloomier. This "things" that used not bother me now start to crave my heart little by little. People are getting married around me, and I'm here having trouble to connect to anyone socially. I am having trouble moving forward now. Need some assurance that where I'm heading is not bleak like right now. Because I don't have much to hold on onto.

Well there is alot small small things that have been causing my downward spiral, the final straw was I guess my stupidity of putting my hand into boiling water. Posting my picture in the /amiugly/ reddit. How bad can it be, thought this guy. Little that he know that people are, well you obviously can see where this go. Sometimes, you know there is time where you just too tired to do anything, mentally. Just tired. Its 2.30 am and I'm mentally to tired to even sleep. sigh

Sorry for all this rant for just one simple question.

Ohhh (((Riolis))) my heart is filled with compassion for you. I think there are many people on this site who want to support you and help you get to your goal weight. As for self-esteem or confidence, it's true that nasty things in our past have hurt us and potentially made us feel less confident. Whether we've been hurt by reactions to our weight or for other things, we have to find a way to take off that coat of shame. Because it only belongs to those who behave badly. The truth is, you are lovable and valuable and have every right to walk down the street, find a life partner, have success. And you belong. Shame on others for behaving in such an evil way. Shake the dust off your feet and hold your head high. You belong here on this site and I am rooting for you for success in every way imaginable. So glad you started a journal.
I believe weight loss helps but all our inside work on confidence comes with practice, bit by bit. Healing and letting go, forgiving, and surrounding ourselves with good people.

I think anyone of any size, shape, color, gender or ability can lack confidence. Maybe it is easier if you're perfect, but the rest of us can fight for it an inch at a time. Do things you're proud of and be sure to give yourself credit for them.

You don't need anyone else's approval. If nothing else, assume a Wonder-Woman pose several times a day and lift your head high and proudly. (Seriously, Wonder-Womaning can lift your self-esteem. Try it!)

(((big hug))) I'm so sorry people are so cruel. I know how it feels to be spat on, abused and degraded. I've heard all the cruel jibes and general garbage that comes out of the mouths of the ignorant.

Rise above it. Yes, you CAN! You are better than that.

What I learned as I got smaller is that those bullies are the ones with the low self esteem. They only feel good about themselves when putting down someone else.

This is a great community of people of all shapes and sizes, so guess what? You fit right in.

take care,

Thank you all for the kind words. I really needed it to charge my positive barrier. I really wish I was a cynic then I wouldn't be in such a mess.

~GreekRibs
Thank you, I will try bit by bit. I feel a bit better now after a not so good night sleep.

~Nancy LC
Thank you Nancy, I will try my best, the world if filled with people judging other people, its hard sometimes to ignore, but I will try my best, and that pose is awesome!

~Mousesmon
Thank you for the kind words. I will try, that's the only thing I have in my arsenal right now. Trying to be better.

Again thank you all. Its comforting to know that this world is not filled with bad people.

Riolis, you remind me a lot of me. I too have been overweight for the great majority of my life, and suffered for it in the usual ways all while growing up. I'm also in my mid-late 30s. Even your starting weight is the same as I was at my peak (although I didn't start LCing until I got back to 291 through exercise alone).

I've also never had much of a social life, but in my case I feel it's more because I'm just a naturally introverted person who wouldn't feel comfortable in a crowd even if I wasn't overweight. I also don't drink, so bar crowds feel especially foreign to me.

I can also relate to the whole friends getting married thing; in many cases they're now having children. But in a few cases they've also since split up; getting together with someone is no guarantee these days that it will last. I personally accepted long ago that I would remain single, and learned to embrace the freedom that single life brings. Who doesn't like wandering the house on a hot day wearing... not enough? :o

To answer your main point, I can't promise you that life will be better once you've reached goal, since I haven't got there yet myself, and like you I have little idea of what it's like to actually not be fat. But what I can confirm is that being at your/our starting weight was not much fun, and certainly not sustainable. For you and I both this is a journey into the unknown, but to me that still beats the known path that awaited us where we used to be. And I'll take "a chance" over "no chance" any day.

Finally if you're at your computer and struggling for sleep, I can suggest a couple of other things that have also helped me:

* justgetflux.com - Flux is a program that "warms" the light of your computer screen at night, so it's not so harsh on the eyes in the off-hours.
* sleepradio.co.nz - this is the homepage of Sleep Radio, an online radio station that streams ambient music 24/7. No announcers, no ads, no jingles, just music designed to send you to sleep.

All the best, mate. :wave:

Yes Riolis as you loose weight you will feel so much better. Self confidence will come with that. Don't worry about the haters, they aren't worth our time or concerns. We are all so much more than what is seen on the outside anyways. You will find a lot of wonderful , helpful people here and we are all striving for the same thing. Life is just to short to be concerned with those that are judgmental. I've done this woe now nearly a year and feel better than I think I ever have. This forum is awesome for support and the tools we need for success. Keep going, you'll be glad you did. Best of luck.

By the way, you might want to listen to this Ted Talk: https://www.ted.com/talks/amy_cuddy...are?language=en

As far as marriage goes, let me impart this bit of wisdom, having never gotten married. It is in large part a fantasy built up in your head that the reality of it is never going to match. It is a lovely thing to have a wonderful, supportive, loving spouse, but I have met so many women who never realized their potential because their spouses were none of those things.

So build on your own life, make it solidly good and happy, then if someone comes along you'll be in a place to judge whether or not they will ultimately add to it, or detract from it. If they don't, then you've still got this awesome life you've created for yourself.

Hi, Riolis. In addition to all the above...

The kitty in your avatar is really cute! Is this your companion? If so, look into those adoring eyes, and remember how unique and important you are to all the life in the universe. Sometimes my best sleep aid is my "sleep chair" and the cat on my stomach.

Best wishes.

P. S. If you don't have a cat, there are plenty available for adoption. Look for a gray tabby like the one in your avatar, known for their congenial personalities.

Nancy, honestly, I'm not following you around on this site :lol: but I often agree with your posts. I've been single most of my life but I've also had many married friends who honestly share with me. And I'm very close to both my sister and her husband who've shared their trials with me. I've come to believe whether you're single or married, we have to live with ourselves and that there are plusses and challenges to each state. Some married folks like to pretend this, that or the other thing, but never compare your inner life with someone's outward appearance because it can be very deceiving. Life is a challenge for most of us, single or married. I'm a firm supporter of marriage and wish happiness for all my married friends. But it is very liberating to free myself of any delusions about their lives being any easier or happier, because they're not. Having said that, I don't blame you for wanting closeness and connection with others. We all need that and we can find it in so many ways, not just marriage. That's just the world according to me :)

HIGH FIVE, SISTAH! Exactly. Just exactly!

It's so funny because I've always thought orange tabbies were exceptionally sweet. I've got one now. He had a rough start in life so I've had to work really hard to get him calmed down and more people (person) oriented, but what a love bug!

~Grav
Thanks for the kind word mate. Its a reassuring to know someone who is in the almost exact same boat as me. Thanks for the advice about sleep as well.

Me personally have accepted that I'll be single as well, but you know sometimes once in a blue moon, when all the planet lines up, you get that lonely feeling and wtf am I doing with my life vibe and tries to find your SO and get shot down multiple times? Yea, that was me all last week :lol:

Thanks again, I've read your journal and I can relate to most of it as well. Hear hear to "a chance"!

~mten2015
Thank you for the kind words. Good to know the destination that I'm heading to is not that gloom and doom.

~Nancy LC
Thank you, I will watch the ted talk after work :)

~bkloots
Thanks. I really love gray tabbies, my last one even had a white socks on its hand and feet. But alas, the place I'm currently living right now doesn't allow pets.

~Nancy LC & GreekRibs
Deep down I know its a fantasy. :o I do, I mean I realized for the majority of people there is no such thing as happily ever after, take my parents for example. Heck, before I turn 30, I was living in a foreign country and having so much fun that I don't even care about trying to find a girlfriend. But then I got sick and life became empty, and it feels like everything out there is trying to go against you. That's when I start to long for a connection. And you start fantasizing about this happily ever after thing with your SO, and try to latch on to any hope out there, or latching to any girl who is just trying to be nice to you. :o :o

In essence I guess I'm just trying to run away from the pain by band-aiding it with this fantasy of being in love and happy with your significant other. I know the root of my pain, but I'm to scared to face it I guess. *sigh*

If you can get your doctor to say you need a pet for your mental/physical health, you can get around the regulations. I know a T1 diabetic whose doctor essentially wrote a scrip for a dog so he could have one in a no-pets apartment. The dog is company as well as a reason to get out & walk. This man now walks more than he ever did before - the dog is a great help for him.

I don't know where I'd be emotionally/mentally without my animals. They're more helpful than my husband has been. (Another one to say there's no fairy-tale marriages - any relationship is work & some are more work than others.)

first and foremost, let me send a bigggg hug!

here is my experience:
1. i have never been overweight medically- just in my own head. i lost a ton of weight, and then became severely underweight (due to a serious illness). I hit (and went WAY past) what i always imagined my "perfect weight" to be. AND......discovered suddenly i hated a crooked spot in my teeth in my smile, the way my eyes squint when i grin......a million other things....
I have really been working hard to learn to love myself, but no- weight loss didn't make me confident. it actually made me MORE unconfident.
Granted, i was never overweight and always was told i am very beautiful.....i simply hated my body, and then lost weight and discovered new things to hate about my physical appearance.

2. love, relationships, marriage
i agree on the advice to build an interesting life you LOVE. you have nothing to lose.
but when the right person comes along, your appearance will not matter. it's YOU that will matter.
i was always very popular with men, had fun dating, had more dates than i could keep up with. i was tired! along came my fiance......he is completely opposite what i valued physically (he is several inches shorter, i hated his peirced ears, his clothes are WAY too big......). And from the start, i was head over heels for him. He is the most amazing Prince Charming I could ever dream of, and i am so lucky to become his wife.

With that said, we met, because i was doing fun things to enjoy life as a single person (had short marriage in my late twenties). I was having SO much fun, i had to consider, do i want to give this up to see if things work with this guy? I was nervous....but obviously, it was best decision i ever made.

hang in- sign up for something FUN! i recommend meetup .com
it has endless social groups in loads of areas- everything from skiing to winetasting to hiking, etc.... it is NOT a dating site, it is to meet new friends with similar interests. this makes it way less stressful than a dating site.....
and either eay, you enjoy a day out- and might make a friend, romantic or platonic.......

Robin's right, riolis. It's not your appearance that will give you confidence, really.

But. If you have been heavy most of your life, and you have, per your profile, lost over 70 lbs, let THAT give you some confidence. Because you are a rare person. So few people who need, for their own health, to lose significant amounts of weight can do so.

Try the Wonder Woman post. I know, I know. You're a guy. Do it anyway, OK?

I've been married. I've been single. And the time in my life that was the most soul-crushingly awful was the final two years of my first marriage. I didn't have enough confidence, when I met my first husband, to understand that he would try to suck my soul out.

As Nancy, and GR, and others have already said, there are so much worse things than being alone. Being in a marriage with a person who cares only for him/herself is one of them.

Be proud of what you've accomplished already. I really hope that your burned hand is better. And be proud, too, that you had the courage to reach out when you were down. So many people would not do that. They'd suffer in silence, believing that the pain was their due.